I need support to stay strong for divorce

[ChaoticRogue]

Hi.
My marriage has been really bad for around 3 years now, significantly so this year. We kept talking about ending things, but then both got scared and stayed together to "work on it", only he never put any effort into working on it.
I had a feeling he was lying to me about stuff so I checked his phone a few days ago.
My god. I found messages to other women, the absolute lies and awful, awful things he's been saying to people behind my back that aren't true.
I told him thats it, theres no coming back and I do mean that, I don't want to bve with him but I'm just so scared. I'm waiting for legal advice, because I am not on the mortgage or deeds to the house, but we have lived there together for 6 years and I have been paying towards the mortgage and we have a 5 year old together.
He won't entertain a discussion about anything until he's had advice. I don't know what to do. The waiting is killing me. I just have a horrible feeling he's going to completely fuck me over, even though he has agreed to be amicable. I just want to stay in the house with the kids because we are so close to their schools.
I would appreciate some insight from others who have been through this, Will I ever stop crying? Will I ever stop feeling like I've blown my life up? I'm so upset even though I know I will be so much happier without him.

You need to register your home rights at land registry look on official govt website. The house will be a shared asset but as you aren’t on deeds he could borrow against it without you knowing. This way lenders are notified another adult has an interest.
The court will look for both parents to be able to house the child / start over.
Do you have other children too?
your pension will be included but you may be able to argue only the bit earned while you cohabited is included - dig out old and current pension statements
If there is enough equity you may be able to look at shared ownership rather than renting if you can’t get a mortgage
Absolutely wait to get legal advice but you need to be prepared that staying in a home when you can’t release him from the mortgage isn’t likely unless he’s a very high earner and could afford two mortgages especially as your joint child is only 5 and his money would be tied up for 13 more years
Everyone is poorer from divorce and has to made adjustments as the pot has to fund two houses not one.
You also need to consider the child arrangements as even if he’s been absent parent up to now he may suddenly change his mind
Run your circumstances and different scenarios through child maintenance and benefit calculators
The more paperwork you can gather before speaking to lawyer the better as if you don’t have details they will just give general advice you can read yourself online

Gosh it's going to get nasty isn't it...
If I had the money I would just rent somewhere and move out. But Im stuck.

I think this is all fairly expected given how raw it all still is - im so sorry you're going through it.

32 is still young, I got divorced at 40 and rebuilt my life. Its definately not a failure and not the end for you, I found imagining looking back on this chapter of my life 10 years from now and laughing about it all helped calm my nerves a bit.

Id also like to say that counselling really helped me in the early stages - if you can do that, something like IFS (Integrated Family Systems) was really good at getting myself back on track. It sounds like you're in the very early stages, so its about regulating yourself and meditation helps me get calm and clear.

Do you have friends and family around you? If you do, dont be afraid to lean on them, isolation makes it worse.

Depends on other risks too. How would he react? Is he the kind to retaliate with violence?

Op so sorry your going through this,

Now you need to buckle down, ducks in a row,

Tell him nothing he will fish to try and see how your thinking any plans eg,

I know its hard right now, put your grieving on the back burner for now, I know op but that's his power right now getting ahead of you while your grieving this relationship,

Keep everything close to your chest as the saying goes,

Stay strong for the kids, and your future op 💐

Go quiet and smile, of course this is hard to do right now but you must, 💐

Ment to say, get advice on your pension op, he will be advised to go for it , be very careful 💐

Yeah, obviously. But we're not talking about that. Think we're assuming this man is normal until the OP says otherwise.

@Awkwardisfunny
It is depressing how common it is for abuse to start during a divorce. It can bring out the worst. Past normalcy is not a guarantee for amicable divorce.

so he spoke to his solicitor today and has been advised not to leave the house. So he’s refusing to leave and forcing us to either live together or for me to leave with the kids. I’m so upset. I’ve asked if he can just stay with his mum for a few weeks and he’s said no, he’s not leaving. I’m not seeing my solicitor till next week. I’m so scared of being made homeless.

He can say what he likes but it's not for him to decide who gets what. Go and see a solicitor as soon as possible, you file for divorce as you control things more and get strong.

He can’t make you and the children homeless as you are married you have a legal right to stay.
In case it’s relevant you can get UC if eligible and UC will ignore the house as capital for a period while it’s in dispute in divorce so people can get UC help with rent even though they have a share in a house. UC would only be affected when you got the equity provided you don’t unduly delay the divorce process.
you can also get UC if you are separated but living in same house
Why would he expect the dc to leave with you if he’s staying in the family home surely he can continue to house them? Not saying you would want to do this but why is he assuming they are your responsibility.
unless there’s some back story like he put in a lot more equity or has dc that aren’t yours then generally staying in house makes no difference - judges decide housing need based on how many bedrooms you need and not on who stayed and who left. Same would apply to you if you rented for a while that wouldn’t change your housing need for the future

Try and take it one day at a time until your solicitor appointment.

Is there a spare bedroom or way to rearrange the home such that you have your own private bedroom/space?

When are you due back to work? Maintenance and benefits can be included in some mortgages as income. The issue with him letting you stay there is he won't be able to get a mortgage on a new place. In Scotland things are a wee bit different. Unfortunately, he is probably right. Neither of you should begin negotiating and making offers without legal advice. That's the starting point. You both need to get yourselves to solicitors ASAP.

I went through this and lost all my confidence in the process. They say love is blind. After a few years I met a lovely man and now never been happier.. So it was a process for me.

No, no, no. Do not offer anything or enter into any discussions until you have had legal advice. My sister had been married 11 years, 10 year old child, house was his before marriage and she was never on the deeds. She got half the value of the house and was able to get a mortgage to buy him out of the other half to get full ownership. He couldn't get a mortgage to buy her out because he was self employed and had been fiddling his tax returns so had no proof of income. Don't you just love karma.

Anything you have offered already can be simply retracted. But it might be easier to let him think he is getting away with it.

Go to a specialist mortgage broker for advice. Most don't charge. If you end up with a decent chunk of the equity then you are more likely to get a mortgage.

I'm so sorry, you've had a horrible shock 😔 it's very important that you don't offer anything and get legal advice asap. If you're married, it doesn't matter that you're not on the mortgage or deeds, the house is a marital asset. The most likely scenario is that the house will be sold and you split the proceeds, unless one of you can afford to buy the other out.

If you can, speak to family and a close friend and get some support. Don't discuss with him, or bargain with him without legal advice. Be prepared for him to get nasty, he's shown you who he is with his lies. Remember that if you start to waver. It's normal to feel scared of change but don't look too far ahead, take it one day at a time 💐

I’ve been awake crying and googling all night. I’m so exhausted.

I'm so sorry that you're in the rough part. The next year or so is going to feel tough, no doubt about it. Head down, get the (legal) advice, follow it. Get legal advice not from mumsnet. Get brilliant emotional support and tios from mumsnet. Nothing can be said that will take away from the likely difficulties you face in the short term, but thinking after that - you are going to be shocked by how much better things look and you'll look back and remember how hopeless it all felt right now.

Truly, no one looking at the eye of the storm thinks it'll be great out the other end. They're busy just planning immediate survival. Super sensible, but try to remember that what you feel in the next few months won't last. You'll adapt and evolve. You'll find friends you possibly don't have yet, and things to look forward to that you can't quite see yet.

This will pass. Get all the support you can, and hang on for the ride.

Do not move out unless you are in physical danger. If this is the case contact Women's Aid.

Why shouldn’t I move out? From what I e researched it shouldn’t effect any claims on the financials?

OP, speak to a solicitor, and ask about moving out. When I was divorcing we still lived in the same house, until he made my life so unpleasant, and then demanded I leave. My mental health was in tatters so I did. I was still awarded a high percentage of the house value, pension share etc. Take advice, and good luck

When I split from my ex wife I was advised by my lawyer not to move out. As soon as you are in seperate homes, child maintenance is legally payable if you don’t have a 50/50 arrangement with the kids, and the mortgage and all bills still need to be paid. It would have bankrupted me and I wouldn’t have afforded to pay rent and bills on another property.

circumstances matter and your solicitor should advise you accordingly!

I left my first DH after 20+ years. No abuse, no nothing. The marriage was just past its sell by date. 🤷‍♀️. He was a bore. So, off I went, once the children were adult. 👍

I wanted nothing, I got nothing, and on I jogged. Made a new life.

Of course, there are regrets, and all the rest, that, regardless of a meringue dress, gurning relatives, and sickly wedding cake, it just didn’t work for ever.😂

I held a joint divorce party with a mate in a similar situation. Tacky, awful - but what we needed. 👍😂

Just start a new life - you’ll be happy in the end. 😉

That is the plan! Im excited to start a new life.
But I;m not leaving with nothing! No way.