I need support to stay strong for divorce

[ChaoticRogue]

Hi.
My marriage has been really bad for around 3 years now, significantly so this year. We kept talking about ending things, but then both got scared and stayed together to "work on it", only he never put any effort into working on it.
I had a feeling he was lying to me about stuff so I checked his phone a few days ago.
My god. I found messages to other women, the absolute lies and awful, awful things he's been saying to people behind my back that aren't true.
I told him thats it, theres no coming back and I do mean that, I don't want to bve with him but I'm just so scared. I'm waiting for legal advice, because I am not on the mortgage or deeds to the house, but we have lived there together for 6 years and I have been paying towards the mortgage and we have a 5 year old together.
He won't entertain a discussion about anything until he's had advice. I don't know what to do. The waiting is killing me. I just have a horrible feeling he's going to completely fuck me over, even though he has agreed to be amicable. I just want to stay in the house with the kids because we are so close to their schools.
I would appreciate some insight from others who have been through this, Will I ever stop crying? Will I ever stop feeling like I've blown my life up? I'm so upset even though I know I will be so much happier without him.

You've done and are doing the right thing. You will cry and you should, let it all out because processing the emotion is very important. You are going through the ringer at this stage and it will be hard. Not much more anyone can say until you've had legal advice. Liasing with them is all that will help you move forward with the divorce and other proceedings. Try to stay amicable with him if you are trying to keep the house and reiterate that he needs to act in the best interests of your DC5. If he does fuck you over then cross that bridge when it comes to it, he does not hold all the cards.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP how truly awful of him he sounds vile. Just stay strong in these early stages and remember why its so important to follow through. This is best for your DC so just remember that. Would you be able to afford the mortgage on your own?

As I understand it, it doesn't matter if you're on the mortgage or deeds, the house is a shared asset of the marriage and so must be divided in the divorce. There is every chance he will try to fuck you over - a man who claims to be working on his marriage while secretly betraying his wife is clearly untrustworthy. The best thing to do is to talk to a solicitor asap and start on the practicalities - don't wait for him to do that.

You are bound to be distraught. This is a bereavement, complicated by the fact that you feel betrayed and scared for the future. You need to grieve it. Is there anyone around you in real life who can act as a support?

Hello, I am also going through a divorce and it is brutal. Your feelings are the same as mine. I am have legal advice/solicitor but the divorce petition is not even filed yet! This limbo is lasting too long.

My DH did turn nasty. So I would recommend you take steps to protect your financial security and kids.
Get copies downloaded of bank statements showing you paid towards the mortgage, the balance of any joint savings and balance of any shared credit card accounts.
If he is an authorised user on any of your credit accounts, report the card lost/fraud and have him removed as an authorised user when they send you a new card.
Get copies showing any trades invoices you paid for work on the house.
Make sure you are the registered owner of your car.
If you have joint accounts, then open your own bank account and have your income go there. Only put in enough in the joint account to cover your share of any joint household bills (electric, council tax).
Notify the DC schools that you are separating so the kids can get pastoral care and if it gets nasty, you can quickly put into place measures such that only you can collect them from school.
Get the DC passports and keep them locked up & with you
If there are any copies of his pension pot statements or personal savings and investment accounts either in paper files or a shared computer/laptop, make copies to reduce the chance he will “forget” to disclose their existence. (Do not hack his email or his online accts or break locks on desks to get this info, that is illegal, but it is ok to make copies of anything sitting in a shared file whether on a shared computer, pad or physical folder that you normally have access to)

Yes I can afford the mortgage, but I wouldn't be able to get one as Im on a dmp and have no credit score.
I have offered for him to keep the house as in own it, but just let me live there with the kids.

You need separate legal advice for yourself.

He's turned all of my friends against me. Luckily, I do have one really close friend who is in my corner but the others are no longer speaking to me as they're on his side.

Then they were never your friends.

Sorry, as a PP pointed out the house should be a divided asset anyway. In any case if he agrees to let you stay there then that would be ideal. I wouldnt bank on it given his behaviour so far. Perhaps his idiotic smear campaign against you will work in your favour in court. Sorry you're dealing with this

Do not make any offers until you have a solicitor.

On the friends issue, yes that happens the awful men are very good at telling everyone they are a victim and you are madder than a March hare. The truth will out eventually. Be patient, keep a thick skin, and your circle of friends tight.

It is very important that you do not offer anything as he may use this as an opportunity to screw you out of things that you're definitely entitled to.

How on earth did he turn your friends against you?

Also, with the debt management plan - did you end up in debt while he didn't?

When you’re enjoying Christmas 2027, free of the stress and aggro, you’ll be so grateful you stuck to your plan to divorce in October 2026.

The coming months will be stressful and sometimes overwhelming, but you need to go through the tunnel to get out of it.

I was in a similar position in 2016 (minus the smear campaign, but there was plenty of “woe is me”) and I’m so glad we divorced. Zero regrets. We’re both remarried and we get on ok now.

Your friends were fairweather. You’ll find better ones in time.

Don't make any more offers or suggestions until you've had legal advice!!

That is an absolutely terrible idea and I would strongly advise you against it. I assume any decent lawyer would too.

I doubt it's illegal to break into your own furniture at home. Regardless of he said/she said on who owns it.

The relationship is only 6yrs…so very likely things like locking desks, safes and file cabinets were bought prior to the marriage so are still personal property. If it is a SHARED desk, cabinet, safe that they both usually have access to, then OP would have a key or code. HTH

I dont think he has pensions or savings. I have a decent pension though.

⬆️ what they said. I was in a similar situation to you (but minus children), I was not on the deeds or mortgage either but it was neither here nor there as we were married. How long is the length of your total relationship?

At the risk of sounding harsh they don’t sound like real friends. If my friends husband started getting in my ear telling me a tale of woe, how “terrible” she is, trying to turn me against her etc. Then l would take it with a pinch of salt and think it was manipulation / lies. Plus tell her about it

As others have said you need some proper legal advice. My ex husband tried to fob me off with £5k and a knackered Focus. I got over 12 times that. He “forgot” about the mortgage payments l went paid towards, DIY l did, DIY l paid for, furniture l bought an etc. Also he had been lying about his salary for a good few years before that -under stating it rather than over.

Great question, if OP went into debt due to childbirth + financial abuse by her DH refusing to cover the costs of his own child that would be key to the court’s decision on financial split. The asset split starts at 50/50 but OP could be entitled to more than 50% in the context of financial abuse as well as her needs will probably be greater if the DC is with her.

If there are any locked filing cabinets, buy a key on ebay.

OP do not discuss finances with him or make any agreements. You need legal advice.

Please don't make any 'offers' until you have had legal advice. You need to not just consider short term, but long term too, and there can be many issues being financially tied and reliant on a potentially abusive man for the foreseeable future.

Ok, I wont have any more conversations with him.
I really thought we could just sort this out between ourselves but it's not looking that way is it. I have a phonecall with a solicitor next week so will wait till then. His family will help him make things nasty I reckon.

Yeah, police won't investigate that. Civil matter. Too murky. How do you prove it wasn't gifted to you at some point verbally and once married.. joint possessions? I don't think anyone has been done for breaking into a desk in their own home. How would you even prove who did it. Not realistic and not something I'd worry about.

No you definitely can't sort it out betwen yourselves. Even with a really nice person it's not a good idea to sort these things out without legal advice - it's a complex process and it's easy to get it wrong.

If he comes to you demanding things tell him you're not open to discussing it at the moment.

Im sorry you are going through all this - having gone through it myself, Divorce is one of the hardest things in life, and it sounds like its the right decision for you. Please dont doubt yourself, trust your gut!

Id highly advise you get a solicitor on your side - as others have said, the house and all savings, pensions, cars, anything over £500 in value is essentially part of the marital pot to be divided up between you both.

There are many ways to cut the cake - and legal advice will help you. Id advise you listen to your solicitor above what you might hear from friends and family, as the law doesn't work the way most people think it does, and I was scared to death during my divorce from the advice I got from my own close friends and family.

Its a long and slow process, id advise keeping communication about it strictly between your solicitors.

Be gentle with yourself, It actually does get better afterwards, I promise.

Thankyou. I know I will be so much happier. It's just getting there. Atm im just feeling betrayed, like the last 7 years of my life have been a lie and I've been used.
I'm embarrassed to be divorcing and starting again at 32, even though I know I would never think that way about someone else.
I just have a lot of emotions about it. I miss the old him, but even if he did come back I could never trust him again.
I just want him out of my life so I can start healing a moving on.