I (FTM, 29w+3d) have seriously lost my mind. I feel myself going absolutely crazy and unhinged.
I’ve always been the worst at expressing my emotions to my SO. I’ve been having days of feeling low, more so in the past month and I find it easier to cry and get it over with rather than share what I’m feeling.
Just last week, I started to cry in front of SO who kept asking me what was wrong. I told him I was feeling uneasy, and he started panicking and calling 999. I couldn’t explain to him clearly that it was more emotional, and not physical. I kept telling him to stop calling through tears in my eyes, but couldn’t tell him exactly why and just left the room. That made him upset, and he stopped talking to me. We reconciled at night after I told him that I was just feeling emotionally low and that I couldn’t put it into words, and that I’d try to be better at it.
Two nights ago, on Friday, I started feeling low again. I felt so worthless and lethargic the entire day. I called my mom who noticed I wasn’t my usual self and asked if everything was okay, to which I said I was. My SO noticed my mood was not the usual as well, and asked me later on to which I replied it was nothing, and that I was fine. Big mistake on my part. He asked me 2-3 times and I wouldn’t tell him, which got him upset again. He went quiet on me. I had a good cry, and was feeling better. We’d agreed to go grocery shopping in the evening, so I went up to him and asked him if we could go. He’d gone completely cold and started ignoring everything I had to say. I kept begging him to talk to me and be normal with me. He told me I couldn’t stay under his roof if I wouldn’t answer his questions.
I told him I was feeling worthless, and anxious about the fact that I wasn’t going to be a good mother. He heard this but went quiet again. I told him these were my emotions and that I would handle them on my own, and he can’t do much to help. This annoyed him so much. Over the past two nights, he hasn’t spoken to me properly. I just want things to go back to how they were.
I’ve been begging him to talk to me and that I’d try to be better. I can’t take the silence especially now. It’s driving me mad. I give him a few hours of space, we sleep in separate rooms but I need him. I’ve told him that and I’ve tried to explain my side of the story and how I want us to go back to being how we were. I’ve been getting super emotional and just been a little all over the place, raising my voice at times.
He’s threatened me with divorce, asked me to get lost or just to die. He says I’ve ruined his entire weekend, just like I do everytime. He hasn’t once considered the baby growing inside me, which I’ve asked him about and keeps telling me that I should’ve thought about it before being so stubborn. I’m the root cause of all the problems. He’s going to give me one more chance, but if he senses an ounce of stubbornness, he’s going to divorce me on the spot.
I told him I’d try not to be so stubborn anymore, but he can’t use such words and use anger to justify them. I want him to apologise, but he’s saying he won’t and this is how he’s going to be and I should accept it if I want to stay or leave. I have no one to talk to and nowhere to go. I need him, even if he doesn’t need me. I don’t know what to do. This entire situation is driving me crazy. I’m feeling so overwhelmed. I can’t leave. I can’t stay. I just feel so helpless and alone.
TL;DR: Argument with husband has escalated to threats of divorce because of my stubbornness. I can’t seem to let it go, and I have no one to talk to and nowhere to go. Need help to streamline my thoughts and be practical.
Edit: I feel numb. I can’t cry, even thought I’m so hurt. I want to give him space. I want to let things be. But I’m in such a state of confusion that I’m spiralling oit of control. I just wish I was no longer here, even though I don’t want any harm to come to baby.