Completely confused about whether to stay or leave

[BotoxOrPuffins]

Been with DH for 18 years and have 2 tweens. Covid was horrible and we were both enormously stressed by work and kids at home. It took us to the brink but we have always communicated well and saw it as something to get through together. But then my DDad passed away, then perimenopause hit and then some work problems for us both. Life was so stressful that somewhere along the road we drifted apart and have never found our way back. There's low level resentment from both sides. We have been in marriage counselling for 2 years and had individual therapy. DH also has a strained relationship with our DS. We have sex about once every 4 months. But for me the connection is gone and no matter what we do it's not working. I told him I need affection and he tried a bit harder but that didn't last long. He used to buy me flowers and suprise me and made me feel like I was his world. And I loved him so much but I am so sad to admit it but I think it's the end of the road for us. My dilemma is we are financially in a total web. Also we live in London and our life is so expensive it is financially impossible for us to have separate homes. Our kids lives are so settled here locally, leaving is not an option. I don't know if it's worth continuing therapy, trying harder, co-parenting under one roof, we only have 3 beds so how the hell do we have our own space. I'm feeling so sad and confused. Can anyone help me understand how to you separate when you can't afford to actually separate. We both work in financial services so we both know our finances won't support 3 households. Not unless we leave London, uproot kids from school and start afresh somewhere a lot cheaper. Please be kind I'm feeling incredibly upset. Thanks.

Are you using a Gottman counsellor? They focus on the good stuff not dredging up shit every week. Most ‘perpetual problems’ will never be solved.

I recommend you buy Gottmans ‘seven prínciples of making marriage work’. ‘8 dates’. ‘Fight right’.

The Gottmans are interviewed on The Diary of a CEO Podcast. You could both listen to this and then work through the books.

Then if you think it would help locate a Gottman counsellor.

Why do you go to bed when the kids go @BotoxOrPuffins ?

I feel like given what you write, and that you were so happy once, you might be able to get this back.

I do think try a date night where you talk (so dinner, drinks or some kind of activity that allows chatting ie not cinema, with no phones) every week or every couple of weeks, put the resentment aside and try to talk.

Maybe ask him how he is, what happened that day, listen and show interest. Tell him you’d love to get back to how things were.
You need to get some fun back.

It’s a question of reconnecting slowly and regularly so that you see each others as humans trying their best again, rather than through that awful resentment barrier that means everything gets misinterpreted.

Going to bed at 9.30 with the kids is a massive red flag for me. Can you manage 15 -30 mins to chat together after kids are in bed? To keep marriage good means prioritising each other where possible, if he feels like you three are a unit and he’s left out that’s going to make him feel hostile. I get that because I sometimes travel for work and I get back and it takes a while to reintegrate in - they all have their in jokes. But what I do have is a husband who is interested in me and not leaving to go to bed so soon as the kids aren’t there. That would be quite upsetting. xx

Following the advice of everyone on here I briefly mentioned how it's a shame we haven't done anything in ages and it would be nice to do something small. He quickly asked the neighbours to watch the kids and booked for us to go to the cinema! We are going on a date night for the first time in years, well date afternoon but it's something. I can't believe it. He must be feeling sad at the state of affairs too. We just don't communicate very well despite all our therapy.

I also take on board about different types of marriage counselling. I think it has helped enormously but there does come a point where it's about not picking the one thing rang has gone wrong that week. I'd rather be more forward looking now. Thank you for all the help around that.

I go to bed early because I read and that's how I relax. Then I'm asleep by 10:30pm and up for 7am. DH loves movies and watches all the latest TV, then goes to bed for midnight to 1am and is up for 7am as well. He is chronically sleep deprived but needs his down time. Our down time is very different. I don't think I have ever stepped back to see how having no time together would impact us. Seems to obvious when you write it down.

I'm going to start staying up a bit later on Friday and Saturday nights to make an effort. I'd rather try to repair my broken marriage and prioritize that then anything else right now.

DH and our son do have a great relationship but they clash and DH has in the last struggled with challenging behaviour. We both did a 12 week parenting course for tweens. But change doesn't happen overnight so improving his relationship with our son is something he is working on. DS is challenging no doubt. But DH is working on it so no real complaints there.

Thank you again for your views and help. I am so grateful.

Really good update @BotoxOrPuffins 😊

enjoy the cinema!

That’s a great update @BotoxOrPuffins. Sometimes it’s just about one of you taking the first step, it sounds like he is as equally sad about how your marriage has been. The fact he booked the cinema for you straight away means he obviously wants to spend more time together. Good luck and I hope things work out for you both x