Dh works long hours!

[AngieL]

Hi, my dh has his own business and works very long hours. He quite often gets home after the kids are in bed and usually works weekends.

I'm having a bad day today, my eldest dd is playing me up and I feel cr*p because I gave her a smack. I'm feeling fed up and just wondered how other mums cope with a dp/dh who is never around much.

I realise that there are plenty of mums out there who manage on their own all the time, but I'm fed up.

TIA

Have a cyber hug, it isn't easy. Dh is away a lot (sixth months of last year). When he is away it always makes me realise how hard it must be for single parents who do this all the time. I take my hat off to them. I find he weekdays quite easy, but the weekends are killing. I try to organise to do lots of things with dd and ds, but sometimes I think we will all drive each other roing the twist. Keep busy is my advice, but it can be hard.

Hi
My husband is also s/e and works about 60 hrs+ a week and it often feels as if we do shifts looking after dd. When I come in from work(p/t) he has to go . I think it is harder on Sundays tho'AngieL as I tend to imagine everyone else is having a cosy"family day"- I'm sure this is just an illusion . I also feel this way on bank holidays.
Don't be too hard on yourself I think when you're on your own the its hard to find an outlet for the sress kids can inflict . If there's another adult around at least you can moan to them, try and get out today it usually helps me.
HMb - I also feel for single parents and hate to hear anyone saying they have it easy!!!

Angie, this must be hard. I was a single parent for a while and doing it all on your own all the time is difficult isn't it? Can you tell him how you feel and see if you can negotiate that he gets home early or on time x times a week and stops doing weekends? I know if it's his own business he will want to make it succeed but at the same time he could make the most of one of the main advantages of runnning a business which is that surely he can take time off whenever he wants to/makes time? Sorry, maybe that's not very helpful, I don't suppose, since you have probably told him this. If DH won't/can't alter his hours could you do some childcare sharing with a friend in a similar situation sometimes during the week so you get some time to yourself? She has yours for one afternoon and you reciprocate another? I know it's hard, try to be nice to yourself.

Hi
He does know how i feel but he has got lots of big jobs on at the moment and they need to be done. He says he feels guilty enough without me going on at him, I just add to the stress. He had been making an effort to be home at weekends but things have got busy at work again.

He obviously feels bad because he keeps ringing up now and saying he'll try and get home a bit earlier tonight. The trouble is if I ask him to stay home when things need doing at work, he only spends his time at home worrying about it.

My eldest dd is very demanding and constantly wants attention. With two other little ones, I find it difficult to find enough time for them.

I have rung my mil and she has said she will look after the youngest 2 this afternoon so I can take my dd out somewhere on her own. Hopefully this will help.

Thanks for your replies, you've had me in tears again.

I sympathise wholeheartedly. My dh has recently gone from working from home (and hence being around lots) to working away during the week and it's been a real culture shock. In some ways the evenings are worse because you can't talk to an adult about how your day went (the phone is never quite the same). It's been a big shock to ds too and he always wakes up calling for daddy

AngieL, My dh works 30 miles away and is out usually around 5.30 am and comes home anytime from 4-7.30 usually around 6ish, he is a retail manager of a small convenience store, luckily is pays enough so we can pay our mortgage, bills without me having to work, but on the downside i do miss him, he aims for 2 days off a week, but usually some calls in sick and he gets called in. I hate the fact that you can have your whole day planned and then he gets called in. Somedays he doesn't even see ds who's 3 and adores his dad. I get upset when ds wants to see daddy, he totally shattered and wants to go to sleep, but won't till dh gets home. We all know how difficult it can be looking after a tired toddler , Hope things improve and you get to spend quality time with dh.

I know my dh feels guilty about not seeing ds as often as he would like, but we just make the most of any time we do spend together.

Hope you have a lovely afternoon.

Big cyber hug - I'm in the same position, dh used tow ork away from home mon-fri and then spend saturday in the library studying for an MBA, he now works long hours (leaves about 6 and often not home til 10pm). sometimes it feels like a hotel. But he doesn't enjoy it either. He was upset when dd asked him why she didn't see him during the week. It's really hard, and there aren't any magic cures. I tried to keep myself busy visiting friends or taking the kids out to the park/swimming/even shopping. You do need to find sometime together though. We used to joke about our annual night out, but it did feel like that. It's had not to talk and come across like you are nagging, suggest it will be good for every-one to have just one 'family day' a week where you can all go out and have some fun. Even an afternoon would help.
Hope you have a good afternoon.

And if you can manage it get a baby sitter once in a while so that you can go out together, just you and Dh. Days out as a family are wonderful, but you also need a little time together as a couple. I know it can be dificult to manage, but it can brighten everyone's mood.

I m sure this isn t true in your case, but i find an awful lot of men use work as a means to avoid family life. Work is controllable, satisfying, status-filled. Looking after kids is exhausting, relentless and has no status. I remember breaking down on Xmas eve and commiserating with the AA man who rescued me for being away from his family. And he said he always chooses to work xmas for the peace and quiet!

single parents have a very tough time, but at least single mothers I know get sundays or every other sunday off when the father takes the kids.

my husband works long hours but doesn t understand the longer he works, the more i have to do. then when he comes home he lays down the law about how things should be done around here. so precious time we have ends in rows.

Just to point out that not all single mothers get a day off each weekend! Some fathers think 4 hours a year is enough contact!

But agree that many blokes (and women as well), whilst paying lip-service to wishing they had more time with their kids don't actaully do much about it. It is, usually, mothers who investigate part-time options and, usually, mothers who are willing to sacrifice pay and career prospects to cobine families and working life.

AngieL Is there any way your dh can work in the later evenings instead - My dh has a very high pressure job, but he is at least able to do some work from home. So he tries to leave the office by 5.30 every night, so he is home in time for bath and bedtime kisses. After we have aten, he gets on the pc at home and will often work until 11pm, but it means that dd does have some time with him every day.
I also work full time (outside of the hosue as opposed to being a SAHM), so don't have that feeling of child overload - I want to spend as much time as possible with dd in the evenings/weekends because I miss her during the weekdays.
Is there anything you can do to help dh in his business? When I was on maternity leave I quite often use to help dh with some of his work - even if it was just typing up his reports - whilst he loked after dd. It gave us both a break from our normal stresses.

Hi
Thanks for your comments everyone, it's comforting to know that I'm not the only one who feels like this. Unfortunately, my dh is an engineer so working at home isn't possible.

Badmamma, I have to say that sometimes it does feel that he uses work as an excuse to keep him out of the house, he swears blind that this is not the case but that's how it feels.

I suppose it's quite stressful for him when he's here as well, the kids fight constantly for his attention and won't leave him alone for a minute and it can be a bit claustrophobic.

We don't get the chance to go out on our own very often, twice last year I think. We have said that we will make the effort to get out more but more often than not something turns up.

Anyway, me and dd went to the park and then to a Brewsters for tea while mil looked after ds and ds2. I think dd enjoyed getting a bit of one to one attention. I'm getting nervous about tomorrow though - you might have read my other problem re dd not wanting to go to school. She had most of last week off with a virus but she is back tomorrow and she doesn't want to go. Wish me luck!!

AngieL

you have my sympathy here. Dh was in the Navy when dd1 was small and I found it difficult enough to cope with one. I certainly couldn't have managed on my own with three like you so i take my hat off to you.
Can't really offer much practical advice but I think taking your dd1 out on her own is a good idea. All of mine like individual attention and it's usually much easier to find out what's bothering them, if anything, when you're on your own with them.
Also, like helenmc said, you need to try to spend time just with him too. If your mil is happy to babysit maybe you could meet him for lunch one day just to have a chat.
Anyway, good luck with your daughter going back to school tomorrow. Will be thinking of you.

AngieL

My DW and I are/were in a similar situation. I have been doing 2 jobs to make ends meet and it, along with a few other things, came within a hairs breadth of totally ruining my marriage this last weekend.

My advise to your DH is to make time to spend with you and your kids and to stick to it unless it is a true emergancy.

DW and I agreed to have a specific night of the week when it is just an US night and we don't let anyone get in the way of it (except maybe DD).

I would also suggest that you tell him exactly how you feel and sit down together and work things through. I know it has helped DW and I greatly.

I, too, have a dh who works on average about 70hrs a week. He's a consultant anaesthetist. He's out of the house by 6.45am and I 'm lucky if he gets home by 7-7.30pm. He then goes back to the hospital on Saturday mornings to check up on his private patients. I suppose I should be grateful that we do get a whole Sunday together, but I often find I'm so knackered and fed up of being on my own that we bicker. This has been a particularly bad month, being topped off with a ski-ing holiday for him under the guise of "conference." So, lots of cyberhugs from me too, I know what its like. I try to keep busy and fill our days with lots of different activities, but that hasn't been easy lately with constant illness for the boys. Planning a bit of winter sun for us all as a family in March. Any ideas anyone?

OK, I'll say this and then stand back to be accused of being heartless!If your husband is out at work supporting his family then you should consider yourself lucky. My husband has been out of work for over a year now, and I would give anything to have him out of the house working for a living, even if it meant less time together.

Sed

I'd never accuse you of being heartless. I dreaded not being able to support my family.

The only reason I work such long hours is to keep a roof over my family's head and food in the cupboard (and be able to access the internet from home).

So many times I've just wanted to jack it all in and sell up and move somewhere else and start again but it would be totally unfair on DW who has finally made friends where we live after being there 4.5 years.

I agree with you SimonHoward - sometimes feel like 'chucking it all in' and doing something sooooo different. But don't know if i'd be brave enough. I've been in this house 13 years, but its surprsinging in the 4 years that eldest dd has been at school half her class have left and the new kids have settled in reallt quickly.

HelenMC

The problem we are faced with though is that as the price of houses stand once we leave the area we are in it is going to be almost impossible to ever afford to move back which mean being nowhere near either of our families (in some cases this is actaully a bonus but not in others).

I have looked at what we can do and we could have a better standard of living in other parts of the country or even overseas but the big stumbling point is that my DW now is really loathed even to move within the town we currently live in let alone uproot the whole family and move elswhere in the country. If I was single I'd have gone ages ago. If we had not had our DD then we would probably have gone by now.

The wife has put down me loosing 18lbs in weight since I lost my old job and starting this new one to the fact that I'm working all hours, but I seriously think it is the stress of constantly wondering how many hours I'm gonna have to work just to make ends meet, let alone actually doing them. And then worrying about everything else that keeps a family running and happy that has to be fitted in when it can be.

I always got warned I'd never be prepared for fatherhood and even after all the study on it I did I have to admit it has thrown things at me I never imagined, including all this worry about keeping a roof over my DD's head.

Simonhoward - for a long long time I didn't want to move. We had the chance of going to Saudi about 10 years ago before we had children, and we didn't go. I loved my home too much, but now I get so fed up at times I would be quite happy to swap. Why can't we find a happy medium between us - Sed with dh at home all the time, and those with partners working all hours.

HelenMC - you have hit the nail on the head for me. I would like a happy medium where dh goes out to work but comes home at a decent time in the evening and doesn't work weekends.

My dh left at 6am this morning and he isn't home yet. The kids are all now asleep so this will mean they haven't seen him all day.

This wouldn't be so bad if life was straight forward, but at the moment dd1 doesn't want to go to school anymore, ds is refusing to eat anything (except crisps) and dd2 is ill. I'm not a single parent but I do feel like one.

I suppose if dh were employed rather than self employed it would be easier for him to say stuff it and come home early. But he needs to put in the hours to pay for our mortgage - as he constantly reminds me.

Honneybunny please don't think I am attacking you or making light of how things seem from your perspective, but this really is a classic case of the grass being greener....
I would love it if my dh had a well paid job which allowed me to be at home with our children and not go to work myself....or would I ???

I'm starting to see,how lucky we are to have struck such a happy balance in our family life.
DH and I both work part time, me 3days, him 4days, neither of us have very high flying jobs, but I do earn more than DH.We would be better off if I worked full time, but at this point in our childrens lives, I realy don't want to. We are not rich by any means, but we have a nice house,a car that gets us from A to B,food in the cupboards and no debt.
Sometimes, it crosses my mind to up my hours for more money, but DH always says, what do we want more money for ??? I'm starting to think we are very lucky, we see our boys lots, have lots of time for each other, and when he comes home and I tell him I've had a c*p day and the boys have been a complete pain in the a*e, he knows what I mean, because it's his turn tomorrow, and my turn to go off to work with, only myself to think about

jac34, that could be my life you're describing! Yes, I feel lucky too.

Yes you are lucky, elliot and jac34. What is really hard, it seems is to be one of the many of us who at one extreme or the other.Some of us would willingly give up a bit of income to gain more time, if our careers and jobs would allow it, while others need every penny they can get.

For me, a partner who had any kind of job would be a start - and in case you're all thinking how much time that gives him with the children, it doesn;t because he says he needs to time to be looking for jobs. So we (well, I) get the worst of all worlds - juggling the job, the money and the childcare, while he mooches about supposedly looking for work.