Dh works long hours!

[AngieL]

Hi, my dh has his own business and works very long hours. He quite often gets home after the kids are in bed and usually works weekends.

I'm having a bad day today, my eldest dd is playing me up and I feel cr*p because I gave her a smack. I'm feeling fed up and just wondered how other mums cope with a dp/dh who is never around much.

I realise that there are plenty of mums out there who manage on their own all the time, but I'm fed up.

TIA

[helenmc]

We've finally got out our night out and ended up going for a curry (as we'd missed the film start) and then some school friends parents came in and we had a really good night out with them. Dh has got really fed up at work and has been coming home earlier and we had a nice 2 days when he worked form home, and he's going to do that again so he can get to the parents teachers meetings. So yes things are looking up.

[AngieL]

Hi Helen

Well I've still got half term to come, next week in fact. Dh is working this weekend but he is having next week off and the following weekend. Hopefully we will get out and about with the kids, I've arranged a night out with some old work friends and we want to finish decorating our hall, which seems to have taken forever.

Dh is still working long hours but I'm trying not to stress about it and he is trying to spend more time at home. He had a day off last weekend and came home for a bit this afternoon to do a walkabout at dd's school.

How are things with you?

[helenmc]

Angiel - another weekend coming up and I wondered how things are? me I'm planning a hair cut, a mass of homework followed by a frantic house hunt for school uniform.

[GRMUM]

I don't know about the rest of europe but here in Greece many people have 2 jobs to make ends meet.The cost of living is now on a par with uK and salaries are about 50% of uk or less.
On a personnal note I agree with AngieL.My dh is exactly same also trying to build up own buisness.I put up with it for about 5 years as I felt he was doing it for the family.Then said company went bankrupt.Now he is starting again despite me begging him to work less and for us to cut back.I would happily trade less money for more time.I have had to come to the conclusion though that he actually enjoys the long hours and I think he finds everyday family life rather boring.

What I would actually love is a situation as Jac34 describes cos I also get really bored at times being the homemaker.

I appreciate there are many of you out there who would love to be athome and I also appreciate SimonHowards point.I guess my dh feels like that and he takes it further in that he wants his kids to have everything he didn't have.I think our kids would prefer dad to possessions though....

[philly]

Sorry not sure why this posted twice!

[philly]

I know all about long hours and dh.My dh leaves approx.6.30am and returns on a good night at 9pm ( roughly 1 hr commute)however when he has a deal on (he is a corporate lawyer) he will sometimes be working 18 hours a day with a solid 48 hr stint at the end.It is no good my nagging him as clients increasingly seem to expect this ,I dispair of society and fear for my boys when they enter the working world.The commitment to the long hours culture seems total,my dh was critisised because he would not leave me when in labour to sub for another partner 200 miles away.As it was a client insisted that he return to personally supervise a deal when ds3 was only 3 days old and he worked for 3 solid days and nights ,I was at home alone with stiches and 3 boys,needless to say the client still complained because he then took a week off.This attitude is not unusual we have turned into the ultimate me first society.

[philly]

I know all about long hours and dh.My dh leaves approx.6.30am and returns on a good night at 9pm ( roughly 1 hr commute)however when he has a deal on (he is a corporate lawyer) he will sometimes be working 18 hours a day with a solid 48 hr stint at the end.It is no good my nagging him as clients increasingly seem to expect this ,I dispair of society and fear for my boys when they enter the working world.The commitment to the long hours culture seems total,my dh was critisised because he would not leave me when in labour to sub for another partner 200 miles away.As it was a client insisted that he return to personally supervise a deal when ds3 was only 3 days old and he worked for 3 solid days and nights ,I was at home alone with stiches and 3 boys,needless to say the client still complained because he then took a week off.This attitude is not unusual we have turned into the ultimate me first society.

[helenmc]

DH still not home ....he left early tonight so we could go out, but the trains have other ideas arrrrrrggh

[pluto]

Long hours Britain! DH leaves house at 7.45 (15 min walk to work) returns at 6pm. An hour off to see ds and eat. Starts work again (marking etc he is an assistant headteacher) and packs up at 10.30pm. He works for one afternoon session and one morning session at the weekend. We are lucky to have lots of holidays but he also spends a lot of time working and going into school then too. In the meantime I juggle around this. (I'm a full time teacher too). I'm thankful we're both in jobs we like but I don't think our colleagues in Europe have the same kind of long hours culture that we see in the UK

[susanmt]

He just phoned back - has swapped the surgery. He had offered to do it as he thought his partner was looking really tired, and apologised profusely for forgetting how tired I am at the end of the week! Men! (My Gran always says 'Can't live with them, Can't live with them!'.

[susanmt]

Having said this morning how nice it all was have just had blazing row on phone with dh as he has 'volunteered' to do the 4-5 surgery this evening for his partner, and is therefore not going to be home till well after 6 when he knows fine I am going out at 7 tonight and he promised to be home BY five so I could take my time winding down form the kids and getting ready. And who knows how many 'emergency' appointment will be added on the end. I'll probably end up not going. Just sometimes, I feel work is far more important that me & the children, and tonight it one of those times.

[helenmc]

I'm a happy bunny - DH has PROMISED to leave at 5 tonight so we can go out ...just him & me.

[AngieL]

Hi Prufrock

Thanks for your comments. I was trying not to run down dh too much in my posts because in lots of ways he is very good to me. But I guess you have put all my posts together and seen that I feel a bit let down.

My dh has been building his business up for the last few years and it is doing really well. It pays enough for me to stay at home and buys us most things we want. Dh does think that his business is a priority, I'm not sure that he thinks it's more important than the kids but I'm sure it's more important than me. He swears blind that this isn't the case but that's the way it seems.

He does have a partner at work and he doesn't seem to have any problems about forgetting about work and doing what he enjoys. (He has just got back from his second skiing holiday in as many months). My dh can't seem to let go though, he says it is more important to him that the business is successful because he has got 3 kids, a mortgage and debts.

He says he knows it is stressful at home and that he couldn't do what I do. When I ask for help, the stock answer is that he doesn't know what will make things better and what can he do?

It is frustrating, but he keeps telling me it won't be like this forever and soon things will sort themselves out. I'm just worried about now though, whether the kids will grow up remembering me as a stressed out old bag that was always shouting at them. It isn't the picture perfect life I hoped for, but I suppose not that many people have that.

[prufrock]

AngieL - I really don't want to give advice that is out of place here - so feel free to ignore me, but from your recent posts it relly does seem as if your DH has very little respect or understanding of the enormous contribution you are making to your lives by staying at home and looking after three children. It seems as if he sees his work as far more important and stressful, just because he gets paid. I had a similar situation when dd was very young and I was on maternity leave, and whilst my approach may seem a bit antagonistic - it worked.
I worked out that a standard working week was 40 hours. I also allowed dh an extra 2 hours a day for his commute. So dh was allowed to be out of the house "at work" for 50 hours a week.
Anything that he did more than that was extra - and HIS choice. (I know this is difficult when the more he works the more money you get as a family) It was not my choice to work more than that so he had to take a full share of household work outside that time. That meant that of the home related work (which for us was around 105 hours with a v. young baby) I would do 50 hours, and the remaining 55 would be shared exactly equally. So expected him to look after the baby - alone - for 27 hours a week.
I would imagine you could work this out to be at least an afternoon off at the weekends and a couple of evenings.
It seems awful I know, and I would never have been quite so selfish long term - but after a couple of days of me being quite brutal in demanding and justifying time off for myself my dh got the point that childcare is a proper full time job - and that I needed time off and recovery time at the weekend just as much as he did.
It's a question of prioritising. He has to make his kids - and you - more important than his work. I know this is difficult when there are bills to pay, but you need to have a full voice in the money v. time decisions that he is making.
I hope this doesn't come accross at too patronising or dictatorial - I just feel bad for you that you are getting more help from Mumsnet than you are from your own dh at the moment - although I'm sure we've all been there!

[susanmt]

We have had to come to a compromise on this kind of thing as well. DH is a GP, and though this is a well paid job which allows me to stay home with our 2 children, it does take over your life. Not only does he do all the patient care, but there is loads of paperwork and the admin for the business as well. He could work all day every day, weekends and days off. He is also on call (from home) every second night, every second weekend and has to do a surgery every second Saturday morning (he's in a 2 partner practice in a remote area).
We have done a few things to make sure we see enough of each other and that he sees enough of the children.
He goes in late in the morning - the surgery begins at 9.30, so he leaves the house at 9. This lets him see/have breakfast with/have bath with the children - sometimes I even get a lie in! He is also home by 5.30 every night. He brings work home on the evenings he is on call and works in the study, but doesn't work on the evenings he is 'off'. When he is working Saturday morning he stays in work until 4pm or so to clear all the paperwork. We have one night a week when we put the answering machine on, open a bottle of wine and are just 'us'. He is off every second Thursday (to make up for the weekend) and on that day we have a nice family day togeether (now I have managed to persuade him not to work on those days!!!)
It has taken a lot of effort and we have to be quite strict, and make sure we are careful not to let work take over, but most of the time we manage OK.

[GeorginaA]

My MIL sent us some photos from Christmas via email and I was showing ds them. He started "chatting" to daddy and telling him about "tortoise" then got cross and pointed and said "Daddy Out!" as if he wanted him to move and come out of the photo.

It's so hard for him since he's gone from seeing Daddy every day to only 2 days a week

[AngieL]

I think that's what makes it worse Breeze. The kids constantly asking when their dad is coming home, it is really difficult to organise anything in advance. Sorry you had your day ruined - will he get a day off in lieu?

[breeze]

I'm fed up because my dh has had to go into work on his day off, this is happening a lot lately, i had a nice day planned and ds got upset when daddy had to leave.

[sed]

Yes you are lucky, elliot and jac34. What is really hard, it seems is to be one of the many of us who at one extreme or the other.Some of us would willingly give up a bit of income to gain more time, if our careers and jobs would allow it, while others need every penny they can get.

For me, a partner who had any kind of job would be a start - and in case you're all thinking how much time that gives him with the children, it doesn;t because he says he needs to time to be looking for jobs. So we (well, I) get the worst of all worlds - juggling the job, the money and the childcare, while he mooches about supposedly looking for work.

[elliott]

jac34, that could be my life you're describing! Yes, I feel lucky too.

[jac34]

I'm starting to see,how lucky we are to have struck such a happy balance in our family life.
DH and I both work part time, me 3days, him 4days, neither of us have very high flying jobs, but I do earn more than DH.We would be better off if I worked full time, but at this point in our childrens lives, I realy don't want to. We are not rich by any means, but we have a nice house,a car that gets us from A to B,food in the cupboards and no debt.
Sometimes, it crosses my mind to up my hours for more money, but DH always says, what do we want more money for ??? I'm starting to think we are very lucky, we see our boys lots, have lots of time for each other, and when he comes home and I tell him I've had a c*p day and the boys have been a complete pain in the a*e, he knows what I mean, because it's his turn tomorrow, and my turn to go off to work with, only myself to think about

[jasper]

Honneybunny please don't think I am attacking you or making light of how things seem from your perspective, but this really is a classic case of the grass being greener....
I would love it if my dh had a well paid job which allowed me to be at home with our children and not go to work myself....or would I ???

[AngieL]

HelenMC - you have hit the nail on the head for me. I would like a happy medium where dh goes out to work but comes home at a decent time in the evening and doesn't work weekends.

My dh left at 6am this morning and he isn't home yet. The kids are all now asleep so this will mean they haven't seen him all day.

This wouldn't be so bad if life was straight forward, but at the moment dd1 doesn't want to go to school anymore, ds is refusing to eat anything (except crisps) and dd2 is ill. I'm not a single parent but I do feel like one.

I suppose if dh were employed rather than self employed it would be easier for him to say stuff it and come home early. But he needs to put in the hours to pay for our mortgage - as he constantly reminds me.

[helenmc]

Simonhoward - for a long long time I didn't want to move. We had the chance of going to Saudi about 10 years ago before we had children, and we didn't go. I loved my home too much, but now I get so fed up at times I would be quite happy to swap. Why can't we find a happy medium between us - Sed with dh at home all the time, and those with partners working all hours.