This thread is simultaneously one of the most depressing and one of the most uplifting things I have ever read Uplifting in the sense that so many wronged children have grown into such strong and thoughtful adults, but really grim that so many horror stories have been perpetrated in the first place.
I think I was abused as a child, but it's all rather hazy and undefined, in that there are few clear incidents I can point to and say with certainty "Yes, that was abusive". An older cousin mentally/emotionally abused me from when I was very young to when I was about 12; god knows what made him hate me so much, but his bullying made me hate myself and also made me intensely fearful of letting people see my emotions, as in my experience they would then be used as weapons against me. So I was pretty fucked up in terms of being a deeply self-loathing/defensive-aggressive teen, which didn't set me up well for my mum's sudden suicide and all the guilt that brought with it.
Other things are less clear...I remember lots of sexual situations with other children, but some were consensual (doctors and nurses type play) and others were not, and when you're a kid it's quite hard to distinguish to yourself and others why something feels different. But looking back on them, I know that some were wrong and have affected me.
My grandfather, who died last week (hooray!), was a horrible, manipulative, controlling egomaniacal bastard and spent his whole life poisoning the lives of those around him...again, extremely abusive in emotional and mental terms. I won't go into details as would be here all day, but one incident sticks in my mind as far as my own experience goes. He used to babysit my brother and me on a Sunday, but would often do things like fuck off down the pub and leave us in the flat on our own. On one of these occasions, while looking for something to do, we stumbled across a stash of porn films and being curious children ended up watching some - the one I remember was The Story of O. Think I was about 6 or 7. Later I remember my mum having to ask me whether grandfather had been abusing me - I'd obviously been talking about what we'd seen, or talking in a sexualised manner because of it.
He also violated my trust in a really horrible way shortly after my mum's death, when I was at my most vulnerable, and then used what he'd found out to inflict a shameful guilt and fear on me that I carried around for many years, until I realised that I didn't need to, that he was the wrong one and not me.
He never did abuse me physically, I don't think, but there's no doubt that he was utterly obsessed with me and would do things like have a massive go at me if he thought I'd been flirting with boys (this when I was 10 ffs, as if the idea had even occurred to me then!) It was things like this that eventually led to me cutting all contact with the vile old man several years ago - I knew I wanted to start a family and felt very strongly that a new generation should be allowed to flourish without his staining influence over them. I'm due to have my first child next month and frankly my grandfather dying now is the first decent thing he's ever done in my lifetime.
So overall I am left wondering if there was more, if there is something I can't remember. Or if not, whether all the half-remembered incidents can really add up to me feeling as troubled as I do about certain things.