Just curious, seems like a lot of us on another thread - how many of us have been abused as kids?

[OneLieIn]

Just curious, it seems like everyone was saying they had been abused as kids - have we all been through this together?

I was abused as a child in different ways by different people. I think the emotional abuse was the worst, probably because it made me think so little of myself that I never stood up to any of the other kinds of abuse and has led to me letting things happen that I wouldn't have if I'd had the confidence to stand up.

These days I avoid people that make me feel shit about myself in anyway (intentional or otherwise).

Another namechanging regular

Yes, physically and emotionally from both my parents. I have forgiven my Dad, he didn't have very much control over his temper and used to lash out - I can tell he feels bad about it now.

With my mum it was far more calculated. She was pure nasty and one of thewmany things sge did was wind my dad up to make him look like the baddie. I can't forgive her, maybe because I still see her like this and she refuses to think she could ever have done anything wrong ever. She has been incredibly cruel to my sister up until a few years ago when they parted company - my sister is so much happier and feels far more secure with her out of her life and I can understand that. I would do the same but cannot bring myself to go through the process and all the upset it brings so I just carry on chatting to her as if nothing has ever happened - sometimes that just lets her continue the abuse.

Hmm, yes justageek, I could write a very long book about my life!

You are so right, I would do absolutely anything to protect my children. When I became a mother 14 years ago, I vowed my children would never experience the kind of childhood I had and would never have the kind of relationship I had (and still have to a certain extent) with my parents.

I am a true believer in allowing children to be children and not having the worries and stresses that I had....and not all of those were because of my grandfather. I was just thinking this evening about how wonderful mine and DH's relationships with all 3 of our boys are and how much they care about each other. My children have a happy life and that is exactly what I want for them. I try so hard to listen to them and understand them, something my parents never ever did for me. Our children know that we would do anything to make sure they are happy and safe.

Anyway, I am waffling

I was emotionally abused by my mother too, she was pretty nasty. But I thinks she had some kind of illness and desperately needed help...and probably still does as it does flare up even now sometimes.

Tbh, I am often surprised at how sane a person I am. Yes, I have bad days and I can be a nightmare for DH (bless him) but on the whole I cope very well. DH wants to understand more, but I find it incredibly hard to talk about. He knows what happened, but not in great detail. I also don't feel he can really understand how much of an effect this has had on my life and how sometimes it is difficult for me to deal with. I am also very very protective of the boys even to the point where I hate it when he shouts at them

Oh god, I need to get this sorted

buggerorf- you are so brave to have given an account of your story and should have been given more validation than that on the other thread...it's one of those subjects that the majority of people just don't know what to do with.
Is that the first time you've been open about it or have you spoken to anyone in real life? I hope you've got support because I know how hard it is to live with. You have my heartfelt sympathies .

Buggerorf- meant to add that I can totally relate to your feelings about yourself at the age you were abused. I decided to put up a framed picture of myself at the age of 10 and regularly look at it and think 'I'm doing this for you' when it gets really shit (I confronted family and they don't believe me/support me in my decision not to let my dad see my two daughters). My priority is the safety of my kids in the present but I feel a real obligation to the girl I once was as no-one protected her and she/I deserved to be protected.

sadly yes, my parents werent all that stable

they're greay grandparents though having exorcised tjeir deons

for that I am proud

((((buggerorf))))) for no one commenting...come onto the Stately Homes thread, we'll listen...in fact all of you come one

I was emotionally abused by my mother and sister. Bollocks to the fact that apparently siblings cannot abuse that goes for the sexually abusive 11 year old, that IS abuse! I know in law for murder you cannot be guilty of it until 9...so assume all other child abuse would be like that...but my sister got so much pleasure out of being abusive towards me waaaayyy under that age. I do about it...

Babyinacorner, its difficult when your not sure. I know I felt v uncomfortable around my mother of all people...she used to try to burst into my room/bathroom when I was naked as I was maturing, and used to sniff my knickers when I put them in the laundry basket to see if they were clean. I've read a tiny bit into sexual abuse...and its what you make of the situation, if you feel there were sexual suggestions there that made you uncomfortable then maybe there was something you were picking up on? Or as you say it could be because someone put thoughts into your head...out of interest who did mention it? And what could their motives have been?

I feel abuse is so common due to this idea in society that you can do what you want to family, they will stick by you no matter what...but treat a stranger with absolute respect ...surely we should be treating the people who may have to put up with us for the rest of our life with more respect that you would a stranger?

My mother is seen as the pillar of the community, she even won Mum of the Year in her local town. She goes to church regularly, has adopted 2 boys and has fostered for years.

Yet when we were kids, she was and still is emotionally dependant and unstable. We were forgotten about because the fostered children always came first. She had a vile temper and would often drag me by my hair upstairs and throw me across the room. I'd be terrified of her.

She moved in this vile man who she later married. He's a control freak who liked to belittle you as often as he could. I was a skinny wench back then, really really skinny, yet he would begrudge me eating anything. He hated having me around the house, my 2 sisters left as soon as they could but I had nowhere to go. I remember I moved in with Custy and her family once. He would ignore my prescence, look at me like I was some dogshit on the bottom of his shoe.

My mother never encouraged me. In fact she was disappointed in me before I'd done anything. My sister got pregnant with her boyfriend and you'd think someone died the way she reacted. She made me promise I'd never ever do the same but then she told me I probably would because all her kids let her down. Nothing we could do was ever enough for her.

She still is emotionally abuse and controlling. Every drama has to centre around her. She'll hurt anyone and everyone just to get a kick from the drama that creates, she feeds off it.

I grew up feeling unloved and worthless. Luckily I had a bigger sister who tried to get me out of that place, and a best mate who made me feel worth something. Without them I wouldn't be here now.

What we have to do is learn by their mistakes. I still speak to my mother, she still betrays me at every opportunity, she did just recently. But I no longer let it get to me. I stay in contact, politely and out of necessity, because I'm not like her. I never will be like her. I do have a quick temper, but I do always apologise to my kids if I think I've gone over the top, I never sulk for days like she used to. We have to remember what they were like so we can never be. The best bit about it is that you know you are a decent human being because of your own efforts -nothing to do with them. So we all deserve a huge pat on the back for being so strong and determined.

I was, I can't be bothered to go into it, I gave them enough head space as a child and young adult.
They don't deserve any more.

i had a difficult relationship with my father but his abuse wasnt nearly as bad as some of the things i read on here. it was more bullying and undermining but could get violent at times. it seemed aimed at me more than my sisters as i was the oldest and the strongest, i would stand up to him more than they would and he found that threatening. the worse thing about my childhood was having to listen to his abuse towards my mum and lying awake on a saturday night waiting for him to hit her again so i could hear her scream and know that he hadnt gone too far this time and killed her

this is one of the reasons i always advise women in abusive relationships to leave. even if the man doesnt hit the kids it still effects them greatly. though ime and imo if a man is capable of hitting a woman he is capable of hitting a child.

i love to my mum to bits but i will never understand why she stayed with him through all he put his through and ill never forgive her for choosing him over me! which she did do. i was deeply unhappy at home and remember talking to her a cafe one day begging her to either leave him or put me in care. she did niether! i still firmly believe that i may have had a better childhood and gone further in college/school etc if she had listened to me and put me into care even temporarily, which is why i ma interested in fostering now. id like to use my experience in a postive way to help others who may not have had the best start in life.

Rhuby you are so right...

any why in 7 years of mn on and off did I not put Rhubarb and Custard together until now?

My Mum was a depressive with a nasty temper, but the few attacks I could live with (and school were monitoring), Dad was a drunk (family history of but frankly Mum would have literally kept him locked up of she could- so if he daredto go out for 15 minutes (and he's a sociable chap) it easier to get totally pissed to make coming home less scary. Thats my guess anyhow.

My strongest childhood memories are:

cowering in a cormner while dad repeatedly hit me with a vacuum cleaner

mum and dad physically fighting in the next room whilst my younger sisters and i sat watching tv, with mumyelling rape. I know he hit her- i remember the bruises- but I think the rape claim was to scare us

mum lying motionless in a ad'd fug for days crying and chain smoking in her nightie

DH also had a horrid childhood,hid dad and brother were horrendous at times- put a hammer through a door because he took too long bathing (is bath phobic now!), lots of physical attacks etc.

My parents and fil have changed hugely.... amazing grandparents now, with lots of psychiatric / etc help. We have good relationships now, dad even apologised to dh on the eve of my wedding.

The exception is mil, her and fil broke up and she never changed, we have no contact, t5hough i want her to meet ds4 as she has not yet. When fil left her she told my then 4 yr old asd son that fil hit her, he didnt- dh was present on the alledged occasion. Dh suffers depression (as a result of childhood probably) and once tried to take his own life, she rang him up and told him that he had no right as she was the one with the problems he should be caring for her.

MIL was the least physical parent but manipulative and emotionally abusive, and the only one to have never changed. The others I am so proud of- so hard to change your life- and forgive totally, byt mil seems to genuinely believe she's the hard done by one. She also had a terrible childhood- abandoned by mum, put in a home for a while- but we all have to take responsibility for ourselves eventually.

Thank you Mrs Macaroon and Ally90 for your kind and supportive posts. Set me off again....! I'm no good if anyones nice to me!!!

I have spoken about it briefly in RL to be husband and my oldest friend, but I find it very hard to discuss. It honestly makes me want to throw up. I decided to write it all down instead which has helped exorcise several ghosts. I remembered things I never knew I knew. I cried a lot when I was writing but it was healthy, it needed to happen. I'd been trying to be strong for so long, I thought crying and dwelling on it was weak, but I was just avoiding it and not actually getting any better.

Since writing what turned out to be a book, I feel as though I can talk more. I never would have posted on here about it last year.

Micci25 I totally understand your feelings of betrayal by your mum, once you've had kids you just can't fathom how a mother would put anyone else before their child.

I won't mention loads of names but really the fact that we're all still standing is, I think, something to be proud of. My oldest friend said that just waking up each day and finding that she's still alive is an achievement-any more is worth celebrating xxxx

buggerorf, the worst kind of abuse, when it comes from a parent you make all sorts of excuses for them, blame yourself, a natural reaction thats easier for a child to accept instead of the people whom are most meant to love and cherish them, hurting them.

I hope you find some peace one day xxx

I was sexually abused by my next door neighbour over a period of years, culminating in penetration.
The abuse stopped when his wife caught him abusing me one day, think i was around 8 at the time.
She told me I was naughty and dirty and threatened to tell mu mum(who knew nothing of the abuse- still doesn't).
For me, it was this single incident that has had the most enduring and negative impact upon me, emotionally, more so than the abuse itself, I think.

Oh Periwinkle thats awful, how dare she. My heart goes out to you

Thank you justageek, I'm getting there, slowly. x

Sorry- I posted before reading through the whole thread.
For me, I've reached a place where its ok, I'M ok, if you see what I mean. However, for a lot of years I wasn't ok at all. As a teenager my behaviour was increibly sexualised, I self-harmed, was bulimic- just the sort of behaviours we often exhibit, without really understanding why.

Fantastic post buggerorf. You WILL get there, its just a really hard road to travel.x

Periwinkle, I know what you mean about that woman's reaction when she caught your neighbour abusing you being more painful than the abuse itself. I told my mum what her father was doing and she was dismissive and belittling of it and basically told me to put up with it and not cause a scene. I've had much more of a problem with her saying that than with what he did.

People who are worried their experiences weren't 'bad' enough to have a right to go on about it - I feel this too, I think a lot of people do. There will always be someone who seems like they had it worse than you. But, if you are still affected negatively by what happened then it IS bad enough.

I had a thought when I re-read my last post - I never protected myself enough around people, not just because I had no self esteem and confidence and was scared of everyone, but because I was desperate for attention and to be touched (in a loving way). My parents didn't show love. I've often been disgusted with myself for 'letting' bad things happen to me so many times and not having the courage to fight back. It made me think I was weak and pathetic and almost 'asking for it'. I feel less like this now but there are still remnants of it. I know it wasn't my fault and they knew what they were doing was wrong. I definitely feel they saw a victim though and wouldn't have done it to a 'better' person. I don't really think other people were better but there are still remnants of self loathing.

Yes, I know exactly what you mean.
All the things you and others have written about are all part of the legacy of being abused aren't they?

I think it is the 'legacy of abuse' as you say periwinkle...i took things in the opposite direction and put a ring of steel around me and had an intense phobia about losing control of my body. I became a hypochondriac and started having panic attacks on a daily basis...this led to a breakdown and eventually over the past 10 years have gotten rid of most of the panic and anxiety from my life.

my heart goes out to all you brave people
I was abused by my father when I was very young(cant tell you what he did sorry ) then later on mum remarried and my step father hit me when I came to my mum in tears and said he has hit me she said "oh really"
nothing was done, he carried on hitting me for silly things for about 3 or 4yrs.I told a cousin of mine and a family friend but none of them wanted to know,plus he was a nurse at the time working in a home for mentally ill people so I was told to keep quiet or he would lose his job!I have also been abused by my brother physically and mentally even to this day I can not wear things or have things around my neck (he tried to strangle me once)there is other stuff he did but again i can't tell you.sorry
later on family moved and I didn't want to go so I was sent to live with real dad!! ha that was a joke I was always on my guard and his new women never let me have a bath (she didnt have a shower)you had to light the boiler thingy for hot water and she hid the matches so I had cold bath with about 2 cms of water she also hid food as I wasnt her child I suppose I dont know why she did it.The worst bit was she used to cook food I could smell the food tum grumbles I was up in my room when I came down to ask if she had made me some she said oh no I didnt think you were here what torture!!I had some money i was on the dole back then but she took most of it for rent!!so no money to buy my own food no money to get into town to get a job as were she lived it was a long walk into town.I hated it.
Then later later on I have had a husband who was abusive I left him and brought kids up on my own met someone new and guess what!!! he mentally abused me my confidence was rock bottom I was so ill he also hit my dd.
I am at the moment ok dd has got better she was ill too with the shouting from b/friend and hitting.we got out and we are hopefully ok this man seems ok.I only politely talk to mum and stepdad havnt seen dad for ages and my brother is somewhere havnt spoke to him neither,I still feel like it is my fault all this has happened.sorry to waffle on,life goes on and I have to be strong for my kids if I shout at them I always appologise and huggles there are plenty in this house even though I never got any.

Here goes, I've never told my story on MN, please be gentle with me!I was mentally and physically abused by stepfather for most of my childhood, most of the abuse came from stepfather (who was also physically and mentally abusing my mother). Stepfather was a druken alcoholic and also for some of my childhood a drug abuser. Not sure what age I was when the hitting started.

My Stepfather would come home in a alcoholic fuelled rage and lash out first at my mother and then at me. I used to fear him coming home from the pub because I knew that I was in for a beating. He tried to strangle me countless times, I now can't bear anyone touching my head or neck, and don't wear anything tight around it. He tried to drown me twice in the bath whilst my mother was out, so now I'm terrified of water. He used to make me stand in a corner for hours on end for doing the most tiny thing wrong. I was made to repeat how stupid and ugly I was, and how I'd never anount to anything in life. One christmas day he made me pack my bags, told me I couldn't live there anymore (think I was about 10-11 yrs old)and took me to the middle of nowhere and left me in a field. I remember being absolutely terrified and scared. Hours later he came back for me. As a result I now hate christmas as this was the time of year that the abuse was at it worst. I've been dangled over the top of the stairs with him saying he was going to drop me.

I had countless periods of time off school with black eyes and a bruised face. After one beating I mananged to get out of the house and I cowered behind a neighbours house for what seemed like hours in my nightie in the middle of winter. I knocked on their door and they let me in. Eeventually someone must have gone to get my mother and I was taken home. Not one to the neighbours reported it it! To this day I still bear the mental and physical scars of his abuse. Just a smell or a certain song (he usedto play his music really loud when he came home from the pub, probably so the neighbours couldn't hear anything) can set off horrible memories.

I've seen a pyschologist about it all but found him useless, he even made excuses for my stepfather! I'm scared to death to have kids of my own because I don't want to be like him.

Hobnob (((((hugs))))) that's not abuse that's torture! My god there is NO EXCUSE for any of that, I don't know what I'm more horrified and sad for you about, being left in a FIELD at 10/11yr old? Dangled down the stairs? Nearly drowned? Made to repeat you are stupid and ugly (get stuck in my throat that one) or any of the other things...adn your psychologist...a peer, someone you look to for help and validation tries to make excuses for his behaviour???????? That goes against all therapist principles...they are there to validate your experiences, suggest that their background could have caused the way they acted but that is a reason for their behaviour, NOT an excuse for it.

Have you tried the But we took you to Stately Homes thread?

What about your mother? still in contact with her?