Feeling sad my bad marriage has ruined my friendships

[pinkbuttonss]

To cut a very long story short, my marriage reached a crisis point a couple of years ago and very nearly ended. I confided in my two closest friends and told them just how bad things had been at home (no violence or abuse, just loneliness and resentment. Some mean behaviour).

Ultimately I made the decision to stay. I initially had hopes my marriage would improve but that’s not really borne out. I am staying for the moment but that may change.

My two friends at the time were great and very supportive, but it was clear to me they thought I should leave. I feel my decision to stay has now put some distance between us and it feels like there’s an elephant in the room when we meet. I feel they have lost some respect for me.

I no longer talk much about my marriage problems because I know there’s nothing more boring and frustrating than someone constantly moaning about a problem but not doing anything to fix it. It’s left me with not much to talk about & I feel awkward.

We met for a coffee at the weekend and I'm
still feeling sad. Has anyone experienced anything similar?

its because you said this: To those saying surely I have other things to talk about, I would say that when you’re in a sad and lonely marriage, it can be all consuming. I’m glad you don’t have experience of that.

You implied you didn’t have many other topics of conversation hence why people are saying it. It’s also going to be the elephant in the room because it’s going to inhibit your friends talking about their family lives/ husbands etc

It sounds like you are still very sad and lonely (your own words) so I would imagine it’s going to be challenging for your friends to know what to talk about that isn’t sensitive for you or that feels like it’s rubbing their happiness in your face.

It is not about now but about what happene in the past! If you used to complain and they listend to you and were empathetic but then you did not follow that up and take any actions, your friends will feel like the time they spent (in the past) was a waste. If you are the friend feel a little bit used and a bit like a fool that you ever took it seriously in the first place so to protect yourself you distance yourself from caring. Some may feel like taking a step back in order to not get drawn back in as a sounding board all over again. Its not to accuse you OP but maybe this way you can see it from their perspective and find a way to acknowlege the time they spent listening and make them feel like it DID matter even if you stayed.

I am wondering what the reasons are that you wanted to end the marriage. Because you say no abuse, but I suspect that actually, there's emotional/mental/financial abuse and your friends see it. It can be very difficult to maintain a relationship with someone when you know that they are being abused and refuse to see it. You find yourself torn between wanting to be there for them and extreme frustration

I think you have to use the time with your friends as a distraction from your marriage problems, i’ve been friend zoned by my wife, there’s no issues with the marriage per se everything is pleasant, but pleasant in a good friends kind of way, not my choice i might add as my feelings never changed, but to come back to the point, i also feel i have no outlet to air my feelings, as like you i suspect i’m on the verge of pissing my friends off because i go on about it but never do anything to change the situation, there are reasons why i haven’t.

To be honest, they don't sound like great friends to me.
Life and relationships are complicated and it's not on them to judge you for staying, leaving or whatever you have decided to do.

I would never stop being friends with someone or step back because they hadn't taken my advice - how big are some people's egos here?

And I don't think you should be checking yourself on what you can say simply because you have said it before. Obviously you don't want to talk about nothing but your marriage but, with true friends, you should still be able to mention it without fear of judgement.

It might be in your own head of course and just that they aren't sure what to say anymore.
If they are really good, longstanding friends, I would actually tell them how you feel.

My friend took years of “staying”
before she decided to leave. You’re right OP it’s a huge decision and not one to take lightly. I’d explain it to your friends. That you’re worried about upending everyone’s lives and you’re not ready to do that yet.

Have you tried counselling?

Your friends probably don’t want to say the wrong thing. It’s hard watching someone you care about be miserable and not take steps to leave. I’d talk to them about how you feel, but not bang on about your bad marriage the whole time.

Gently OP, if your kids a young, and there’s a decade or so before they might leave home, that’s a very long time to be miserable op. Also, it may be easier to leave when they’re a bit younger than to wait until they’re teens in the middle of exams.

To be honest, they don't sound like great friends to me

I try hard to be a great friend to my friend in your situation. But I've listened for years to her telling me how terrible he is and all the awful things he has done. I don't have anything else to say about the bad times. I know she will stay with him.

Then it's hard to listen with genuine happiness when she tells me about how great things are between them. Knowing full well that sooner or later things will be bad for her again.

So now I just prefer not to listen about that aspect of her life. I like talking about her work, hobbies, children, books, films, holidays, news stories, whatever. Just not her partner.

I guess your friends are the same op. And if that's the main thing that's consuming you at any one time then it's hard to think of other things to say.

I def think if you choose to stay and I’m not judging at all as have been there , get some other things going on in life so there’s less focus on your marriage - do it for yourself! it may be your friends feel your sadness and some people just aren’t good at dealing with anything less than ‘upbeat’ long term

To be honest, they don't sound like great friends to me.

I think this is incredibly unfair. Many of us in this thread have devoted hours and hours of time listening and empathising and supporting our friends in bad relationships. Its draining and difficult and frustrating but we do it because we care deeply about them and their welfare and all we want is for them to be happy.

However, this comes with a huge dollop of emotional whiplash for us when only a week later our friend expects us to be happy that their horrible spouse has finally done something nice. How exactly are we meant to respond to this after spending hours on the phone listening to her cry about how unhappy she is with him and how unkind he is? knowing that in a month's time we will be back to tears again.

Literally whatever we do in this scenario is apparently wrong. We cant win.

You cannot blame friends for becoming fatigued by this cycle after years and years of it. We are humans with our own personal stresses too, we arent paid therapists.

Feeling sad my bad marriage has ruined my friendships

So the obvious answer is to leave your bad marriage and then turn your attention to fixing the friendships.
In that order.

There may have been an awkwardness for many reasons. Maybe they were trying to give you space to speak in case you wanted to.

Maybe they were wondering if they should ask you or if that would sound nosey? But not asking may sound uncaring.

Maybe you are imaging it as it is something you are worried about. Maybe they have something in their own lives causing them to be a bit distant or quiet.

Who knows, carry on as normal and at some point it will feel normal or one of you will address it

If you were my friend I would be worried for you as still together but I wouldnt lose respect for you. I would give advice if asked knowing it may not be taken.

My situation is the opposite (kind of). Long term friend married a man she managed to manipulate (long story) so she could move in with him and take over with her plans for his house. She’s told me on various occasions how she feels about him. Zero respect. Bad mouthing. Seen a solicitor behind his back regarding wills that have been rewritten to shaft his kids and yet I have to hear what he’s doing, be sent photos of him and it’s all “we” “our” “us”. So pig sick of being taken for a mug I’m dropping the rope. You can lie to yourself but I’m not entertaining it any more.

To be honest, they don't sound like great friends to me.

I think they sound fine. The marital problems are OP's to handle. They've given their advice, she ignored it, and they've moved on while OP hasn't.

She feels uncomfortable venting about her marriage anymore to them because she thinks that they might be judging her for staying. They might or might not be but they're leaving her to it. She's now moved to SM to discuss because her marital issues may be causing her friend issues too.

The thing is with an ongoing problem, people get sick of hearing someone complain about the same thing over and over when they refuse to do anything about it. That's not healthy. They're not going to give her sympathy for staying and they're not going to give her any more advice. OP gets that but she's feeling a bit lost. Undealt with issues are seeping from one area of her life, her marriage, to another, her friendships, like osmosis, and that's what undealt with issues can do and that's why she needs therapy.

rather than not wanting to talk about the all consuming bad marriage you refer to, maybe you should post about the issues in your marriage on a new thread and see what people think?

it’s daunting to leave but depending on what your kids are seeing or sensing it could be for the best.

nobodys saying it’s easy to leave but sometimes it’s not as bad as you think. A friend of my friend left her marriage and ended up with more money than before, as benefits for her (part time checkout operator) and the dc were really good in her circumstances.

Exactly and great friends are the ones who tell you the truth because they care about you. They don't dance around the issue because they want so much better for you.

I hear you on this, though I do think with friendship we have to be respectful of what they chose to do with their lives (unless violence or abuse is involved - in which case it’s impossible to be ‘accepting’ if a friend chooses to continue in that relationship).

I have two friends massively struggling with their marriages right now. Both talk to me for hours on end, and I do feel like an unpaid therapist at times! However, one is having couples counselling and I’m sure will eventually reach a decision in her own time.

The other friend will complain a lot - she is very unhappy and has been for years! Suspects the husband of having affairs, but is too scared to address it because she ‘doesn’t want to be divorced’. It’s painful to watch and while I am very supportive, talking about it endlessly if she’s never going to take action is a bit exhausting…

It's not you in the horrible situation though is it?
Bit dramatic to describe yourself as an "unpaid therapist" & make out that a friend venting because they are unhappy & essentially feel trapped in their life has such an impact on you - they are the one struggling.

Sometimes people are trapped and leaving isn't an easy option for them.
Part of being a true friend is being there, listening, offering advice IF it's asked for and not judging the other person's actions.

Friendship isn't just about offering advice and then being upset if it's not taken.

Often when people are depressed they find it hard to make decisions, to take action, to move on but a good friend doesn't walk away and doesn't turn it round to put themselves at the centre of it - "Poor me, having to listen to my depressed/unhappy/trapped friend talking about their difficult situation again".

Dropping the rope is all you can do in these situations.

Many years ago I experienced similar with long standing froend
....i worked out that she wasn't a decent person and liked targeting vulnerable men... The final straw.is when she moved in with a recent widower.

When I've been on the receiving end of being unpaid therapist - if it is mostly /always one way... That's exactly what it feels like...

I largely pulled back with an old school friend... When she picked the 5 th live in bloke who was utterly grim... (treating her child dismissevely /financial abuse /unfaithful and a cock lodger..) .

And I was hearing the next 3 hour session on how shit this latest bloke was....she'd been warned he was a car crash from a mutual acquaintance who had been with him for 18 months...

All of this was completely, utterly avoidable.... I spent so much time worrying about her... It seemed I was more worried than she was.

I had to withdraw from her for my own health.

It feels wild to me that you haven’t got anything to talk to your friends about other than your bad marriage ?
What about nothing else you have in common, hobbies, past times, mutual friends, what they’ve been up to, their kids… etc etc.

But it is like that, and I think you're missing the point entirely.

Firstly, don't make the mistake of assuming that just because I'm not in an unhappy marriage, my life is all wine and roses. During this time, I've experienced multiple bereavements myself, work stress and health worries about my children, and there have been times when my friend has struggled to support me through those, too. I have my own difficulties, grief and emotional needs, just as everyone else does.

The fact that I'm not the one in a bad marriage doesn't mean I'm somehow immune to life's other hardships and I have suffered plenty of those myself so please dont assume.

Secondly, describing it as being an "unpaid therapist" isn't dramatic. It's an acknowledgement that providing hours and hours of emotional support, listening to the same problems repeatedly, offering reassurance and trying to help someone navigate an unhappy situation can be emotionally exhausting.

We're friends, not trained therapists, and friendship doesn't mean having an unlimited capacity to absorb someone else's distress indefinitely.

Of course, people can be trapped in difficult circumstances. Of course, leaving a marriage can be complicated, and of course, depression can make it difficult to take action. Nobody is disputing any of that, and nobody is suggesting that we should abandon friends who are struggling.

But understanding why someone stays doesn't mean the impact of that situation on the people supporting them magically disappears.

And I think there's a difference between supporting a friend through a difficult period and being caught in the same cycle for years: listening to them cry about how unhappy they are, how badly they're treated and how desperate they are for things to change, only to be expected a week later to celebrate the same partner doing something nice, knowing that the underlying problems haven't changed and that you'll probably be having the same conversation again next month.

How are we supposed to navigate that? If we're honest about our frustration, we're "unsupportive". If we express concern when they reconcile, we're "judgemental". If we continue listening indefinitely, we're apparently expected to do so without ever feeling drained ourselves.

You say friendship isn't about giving advice and being upset when it isn't taken. I agree. But neither is friendship about one person's emotional needs taking precedence indefinitely, with the other person expected to absorb everything without ever being allowed to acknowledge the toll it takes.

Compassion should go both ways. You can care deeply about someone, understand their circumstances and never judge their decision to stay, while still finding the repeated cycle exhausting.

Acknowledging that doesn't make you a bad friend. It makes you human.

I agree. I am in this situation with my olderst dearest friend, and I will continue to listen but I am seeing her less now than I used to. It's been 2-3 years where all of our conversations are being dominated by all the shit this man is doing and how she can fix her marriage. She won't leave due to her own childhood trauma, but I cannot stand talking about him anymore. He's not interesting, fun or kind. Why do we have to talk about him so much? I doubt he spends his time with his friend droning on about the state of his marriage or his wife's actions.

I would much rather talk about the last time she cut her toe nails than him giving her the silent treatment for the third time that week.

I’d try not to overthink their motivations or feelings or assign them motivation based on how you feel. Think about if it was one of your friends - chances are you’d just hope they were ok and feel like you didn’t want to be the one to raise it in case they didn’t want to talk about it. I’d probably send a text (as I find it easier to explain things in words than spoken) and just state your feelings about it and say you’ve decided to stay for now but that doesn’t mean you always will and you really appreciated all their support and advice before and you’re conscious of not going on about it endlessly without actually acting on anything. They may come back saying they appreciate the update and were just worried about you and that they do understand it’s tricky and you have to play a long game.

It’s the questionable morals isn’t it. There are so many other examples of her unkind behaviour that, whilst my instincts knew where wrong, I overlooked for years because I’d known her all my life. For me this is now the final straw. I asked my sister why she’d keep sending me photos of the bloke she married who I’ve made clear I’ve no interest in (and I know she doesn’t). She said “because she knows it annoys you”. A true friend wouldn’t purposely want to annoy me would they. I’m stepping away now. Let her live her fake life with a man she despises. Just leave me out of it

Absolutely. The advice given does not need to be taken and many times people do not like it if a friend doesn't follow the advice.

It is good to remember that advice may suit one person and not another and that in difficult times, taking action is far from easy and usually the opposite of what the brain will try to do.

But with saying all of the above, I do think it can be a balance and people will lose patience, if the same subject keeps getting brought up. That's why I advised against raising it again and to find ways to bring joy and fun into life.