Does he want to see me or not? Is he into me or not?

[Twinkortwee]

Trying to decide if this is a case of a bit of distance work around or just not that into me.

Met through a work event, and randomly gave a mutual friend from primary school days.

We live 2 hours away from each other. We work about 20 mins away from each other but I work from home most days, and he only works from home one day. I regularly need to leave the office on time because of childcare. And I don’t work FT. He works FT and doesn’t have DC.

First date went really well. He was very generous. I really didn’t want to go all out for dinner and be so fancy. He sort of insisted and paid.

Stayed together in a hotel that evening. Sex was great.

Next day, asking if I got home okay. I said I did. Then silence until the next evening saying he had been busy with friends wedding stuff, and was finally relaxing now. I replied how good it was to see him and he said he had a great time. That was it. Silence for a further 3 days. Then a message to wish me happy birthday

Then nothing again. 12 days later, I get a message ‘Hey. When am I seeing you again?’

I said aren’t you going on holiday (he told me he was going to Cuba). He said he was this Sunday, haha.

Sunday rolls around and he sends me a pic of his feet at the airport. Message then said ‘You will have to wait until I get back in 12 days haha’

He is on that holiday still now and uploading a lot to Instagram with his brother and friend tagged in everything. Seems legit that he’s there

What do you think? Is this a slow burn or is he just being playful with me from afar?

I really like him. Tried a date with someone else last week and he just didn’t tick the boxes this guy does

Well he knows you are keen but he's definitely not matching your enthusiasm. Let him go.

It sounds like he wants something more casual than you do. How old are you both?

I would make that clear and just ask him if he's looking for casual. Next time establish this before staying with him OP.

Oh god OP. I have to say my first thought is that he probably sent it to a few women. Don’t reply, if he is worth your time he will
show you.

Had he booked a hotel for the first date on the assumption you would have sex? That's a bit transactional. Agree with others he will probably be back for more sex, I would wonder how many women he has been with on the blokes holiday.

‘He isn’t worth the leg shave’ bloody hell that’s fabulous.
Unfortunately OP I think this probably sums him up and you deserve better x

Whenever you have to ask that question, the answer is always no, he is not that interested.

You are a back burner. He will pull you onto the main part of the hob when he wants an ego boost. That might work for you but from your posts I would say not.

Unfortunately we still live in a double standards society. You had sex with him first date. It has now classed you as shaggable but not relationship material.

This. Easy but not dateable material. .

So moving forward, do I really have to not have sex at all on first/second date with anyone ever, moving forward? Doesn’t that just show the true colours, that they’re not worth dating anyway if that’s how they view women because that woman wanted to sleep with them?

That’s a shame as a genuinely liked him and the sex was great

Absolutely not. Shag who you want, when you want. If you meet the sort of man that thinks you’re easy if you do that then he’s not the sort of man you’d ever want a relationship with. Sex is free and you’re a consenting adult. Have as much as you like, just be careful and protect yourself.

I married a guy I shagged on the first date.

Just from your title, he is not into you.
Men make effort if they like you. If you are in any way confused about their feelings, as per your title, it means they probably will sleep with you but have no interest in you other than sex.

THIS. Sorry OP but in my experience, if a man is really into you he wont put himself in the potential position of losing you which is exactly what he's doing right now.

Find someone else and dont invest all your emotions into this guy. Keep your options open

No, you can have sex with whomever and whenever you want but just dont assume that because a man sleeps with you, it means he sees a future with you is all.

He may have just seen you as a nice shag and thats it.

Same. My ex husband married me and we actually planned to have sex because a hotel room was booked 🫣

We split for complicated grief reasons but he definitely was a catch at the time/after marriage

I think it was a mistake to have sex on the first date as it doesn’t give a great impression of you. But it’s done now so time will tell.

Why?

@Twinkortwee what are you looking for in a relationship? When you go on the first or second date do you tell your date what it is you are looking for?

If you are looking for some enjoyable casual sex, then say that and do that. If you are looking for long-term commitment, then by all means have sex early on and if they disappear then their actions are telling you that they are probably not up for long-term commitment, even if they said they were on the date.

It is up to you how you want to set out your stall. Actions will always speak louder than words, so one way or another a man is going to show you what sort of relationship he thinks he is having or will have with you. It is up to you how many you want to have sex with early on and then determine what their actions will show you.

If sex makes things more complicated and it causes you to develop false feelings then avoid intimacy with someone until your head decides that you have genuine feelings.
It does sound as though he is not ready for long term commitment.

This thread is like being flung back into the 1980's, where women wanting and having sex were "easy", "spoiled meat", "loose", "a girl to have a good time with but never marry". With women being among the biggest scolders and finger-waggers.

FFS how have we not progressed beyond this double standard patriarchal rubbish?!

If this guy is a player - and I am pretty sure he is - it's better that he shows his form immediately, before OP gets (more) emotionally invested in him.

OP, he's playing with you.

And btw ‘You will have to wait until I get back in 12 days haha’ is very revealing. I suggest you check out Burned Haystack, because this sentence all by itself reveals a mindset that you do NOT want to get involved with:

1. It shows that he thinks he is "a Prize". He's very self-centered and entitled. He thinks he's hot shit and BETTER THAN YOU.
2. "You'll have to wait" is an order. It's Directive/Disciplinary. It shows that he wants to be the one who is in control. He's treating you like an applicant on probation rather than as an equal human being he just shared a vulnerable experience (sex) with.

Both I'm a Prize and Disciplinary/Directive, especially the latter, are highly toxic rhetorical patterns that signal awful men.

Dump him.

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta

I certainly dont think OP cant have sex. On the contrary, she can shag whomever she wants to.

However, the fact that she's now become confused and upset that it hasn't led on to a relationship does indicate that perhaps it's not a good idea.

If two people arent on the same page about what the sex means then of course it's going to lead to hurt. Thats obvious and so should be avoided

I don’t think that having respect for yourself and your body ever goes out of fashion but that is just my view.

12 days, he’s not that into you. Bored at the airport so finally messages back. Bin him off.

If there is any doubt, then there is no doubt.
Don't invest any effort in people that leave you questioning their actions.
Invest your time in those that make you feel secure

'You'll HAVE TO wait until I get back in 12 days, haha'
Urgh, fuck this cunt off! Ha fucking ha, incel prick! And next time, don't give up your body straight away, he thinks because you think the sex was so good he's banged and bagged a limpet, don't be the limpet.

"Hey. When am I seeing you again?"

That's code for 'I could do with a shag, are you up for it?'