Should I divorce

[Autumn777]

Husband and I been married for 16 years. Have 2 boys together who are mid teens. Have felt very lonely within my marriage over the last few years. He has not been abusive but is unkind & unthoughtful. Left me in tears on my birthday, never would walk next to me, would walk miles ahead and roll his eyes as to how slow I was, was unsupportive during my pregnancies. I caught him texting other women, saying he wanted to meet them. He said it was nothing. Feel very alone & scared what the future holds. Any advice from those who have been in similar situations please?

Sounds abusive to me.

Unsupportive during your pregnancies and from the sounds of it, cheating?

Or trying to.... Not all abuse is physical.

At best, he's a selfish, lying, unhelpful man child.

If you can divorce and be OK financially, I'd do it. Don't waste your precious life. It sounds like he doesn't even like you.

You’re not happy, sorry OP.
Time for a really frank discussion with your husband.
Know your worth.

Thank you. He was texting her arranging to meet for a coffee, then lied to me about where he was going & deleted the texts. He really wants to try & says that he still loves me & will improve his behaviour. I haven’t been happy for a while but it’s tricky when you have kids.

If they're teens, they'll cope.

He was planning to cheat. Personally it would be over for me.

Maybe he only wants to repair things because he doesn't want to lose his convenient home.

Divorce him.

Happiness awaits you.

Should you divorce? Hell yes. Being in a relationship should make you feel loved, supported, cared for, contented and respected.

Start making a plan. Look at your mutual assets of house equity, savings, investments, expensive hobby equipment, and all pensions. The starting point is half each. The person who will look after the children the most will be entitled to more for housing but he could request 50/50. Get the house valued. Start decluttering and cleaning behind the furniture.

Then start looking at Rightmove for rentals or to buy and see your options, tweak them for location, bedrooms (dining room could be turned into a bedroom for a couple of years etc), then tweak again.

Make a one off appointment with a solicitor to find out your rights. It will be the best £200 you ever spend. You can start the divorce process online but you will need a solicitor for the financials.

Yes

Well, I can see why you would want to leave him!

What's he like with the children?

What's your financial situation like in terms on housing and jobs?

I think if you did separate you'd feel like you were on holiday, tbh. It would feel amazing.

I’m just so fed up. He is ok with the boys.

i work F/t but he earns so more than 3 times what I do as I gave up work to look after the children when they were young. We own a house, not much equity in it.

if it wasn’t for the kids, I would have left years ago. I’m just worried I will make a mistake & lose stability for the kids. There is a lot of tension in our house.

Only you can decide whether to carry on or to divorce.

I know it's a bit of a trope but have you considered some solo counselling or therapy? I found it the most helpful thing of all, far more useful than joint counselling.

I have but I think I am past that. I just don’t like who he is.

He really wants to try and says that he still loves me and will improve his behaviour.

Well, of course he’d say that. And maybe he will - for a while. But he won’t be able to sustain it, because that’s not who he is.
Do you really want your boys to think it’s ok to treat women like this?
Protect them, and yourself.
Leave.

So it is a highly abusive relationship and has been for years.
You need to get therapy to help you get your head straight, and Women's aid for advice.
This is not a good man.
How old are the children?

If he is genuine, ask him to move out, and give you space.

If you no longer like him, it's over OP because that can also mean you've lost respect for him.

And I don't blame you.

For all you know, he could still be cheating or trying to.

I was with someone casually who started out being attentive, then he just stopped one day. Stopped holding my hand. Started walking ahead and crossing the road without me.

Dumped unceremoniously. A man who walks ahead is actually a thing that a lot of abusers do.

https://narcissistabusesupport.com/why-narcissists-walk-ahead-of-their-victims-a-look-at-the-psychology-of-control-and-superiority/

https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-not-sure-if-my-relationship-is-healthy/

Do it now while the kids are younger than 18 so that it's easier to get a better (rightful) settlement for yourself & your kids. You'll get good CM and a share of pension as you gave up your earning potential.

Of course he wants to drag it out until they're 18. You make his life easy.

%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com%2Fsearch%3Fq%3Dmen%2Bwho%2Bwalk%2Bahead%2Bof%2Bwomen%2Bnarcs%26sca_esv%3Daeb3d629ae2e4e7f%26rlz%3D1C1CHBF_en-GBGB838GB838%26sxsrf%3DAPp

What exactly is his bringing to your life that is of value ? What does he bring to your life that causes stress and pain ?

If the first list is smaller why bother ?

Thank you for the replies. I have told him I want a divorce and he says that he will move out but I have broken his heart. He said he will have nothing to do with me. I explained we have to communicate about the children & he said he will contact them directly. I feel numb.

You have taken a big step towards a happier life for both you and your children. You deserve a peaceful and happy life. You have just done something extremely difficult so give yourself a pat on the back. Your new life will unfold step by step.

if it wasn’t for the kids, I would have left years ago.
there is your answer OP. Dont stay ‘for the children’. You are not doing them a favour to grow up in a dysfunctional home. Teach them that strong women know their self worth and stand up for themselves.

You’ve got this OP ❤️

More bully boy tactics from him.
He's a very ugly nasty man.
Please talk to Women's aid.
As there is domestic abuse, you could be eligible for legal aid.
Also they could help you with accommodation.
Please reach out for support.
Tell them the truth.
He is a house terrorist that has been terrorising you all for years.

Abuse loves secrecy.
Shine a bright light on what you and your poor children have endured.

By saying he will contact the children directly, he shows even more how nasty and immature he is. He shouldn’t be using them as a go between for you both! What a position to put them in!
I can’t see that lasting.
Do they know what’s going on?