Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I reach out to “former” mistress?

64 replies

Flatwhiteeveryday · 10/10/2026 19:21

Long story short, or at least I will try to aim for it. I was in a relationship, almost a year when my ex boyfriend got busted that he had had another woman pretty much the whole time while we were exclusively together. There were signs a few times but I had left it there, until there were more and more signs and I decided to reach out to the woman who admitted the affair between them, and it was happening pretty much the whole time during our relationship. Obviously, we then broke up, but after a while he started to reach out to me again and was really committed to prove me that “I am his only one” so we kind of reconnected. Yes, I know how stupid I am, but I gave it a go. Since then, we had some ups and downs, but we have been seeing each other for a little while now. I know that these two have been in touch and messaging sometimes, but as per my ex says, nothing romantic. I have a gut feeling that there is more to this, and I told him that I would reach out to the woman again to find out the truth. He seemed quite panicky and said things that didn’t exactly feel very nice, almost like he wants to suddenly end things with me. I know it may make me look stupid, but I am really leaning towards reaching out to her to find the truth out. I have a feeling that he is keeping both of us, and he is worried that if I reached out to her, he would end things with him as well.
I am pretty much alone in this, please help me! What would you do?

OP posts:
Zerosleep · 12/10/2026 21:34

You are wasting your time with a loser. Fool you once is on him, fool you twice is on you. Move on!

Bedlingtonwarrior · 12/10/2026 22:25

I read these and similar posts with incredulity. Are they wind up ???
How can anyone be so gullible.....

Catpuss66 · 12/10/2026 22:44

Flatwhiteeveryday · 12/10/2026 21:30

Thanks everyone for the replies so far! They are so helpful in giving me strength to make the right decision ❤️

He treats you poorly because you allow him too. This just isn’t you lots of us have been there, weather he is or is cheating he is making you unhappy. You have a choice I would pick you. Look at the freedom project this is emotional abuse.

https://freedomprogramme.co.uk

ChickNorris · 13/10/2026 00:39

Bedlingtonwarrior · 12/10/2026 22:25

I read these and similar posts with incredulity. Are they wind up ???
How can anyone be so gullible.....

Now, come on. Anything can surprise you the first time, sometimes even the second time.
Naivety is not a dirty word. Sometimes it just means that one was lucky enough to not have to change how they see things.
Sometimes people are young.
And let's not forget that (dickheads do sometimes be good at hiding that they're dickheads) something like the romantic scenario can test us more than anything else.

That gullibility that you worried about is far less now as a result of her wanting to grant something actually quite gracious to someone who turned out confirming that he didn't deserve it. Oh well, shit happens. The OP now has a much better idea about what collection of traits are not worth tolerating or being deserving of a second chance.
But let's put the blame squarely where it belongs, with the actual arsehole, and let's reserve the scolding for them. :)

ChickNorris · 13/10/2026 00:44

OP. I just wrote a long paragraph and ended up erasing it. I can't believe it. It's too late to rewrite. :/
But you're welcome, honestly. I've been there. The guy I was involved with didn't cheat but had the personality of a cheater. All the hallmarks. 20/20 is an annoying concept, I'll say that.
But sometimes things have to happen in the right order and with enough experience to see them the way you should. So be good to yourself and remember, dickheads know how to spot quality. Just not how to keep it! :)

Bowies · 13/10/2026 07:10

This is BS OP you were never “exclusive” and never will be with this loser. Next!

Dery · 13/10/2026 07:42

“LetGoLetThem1234 · Yesterday 19:45
Why are you doing this to yourself? You know precisely what's going on.
Please take the time to explore why you felt the need to go back into a relationship with someone who showed you EXACTLY who they are.
You do know that you are worth so much morethan being treated like this?”

This with bells on. This man has been dating two women. You’re as much the other woman as she is. He cheats and lies. You know you cannot trust what he says. Look at what he does. No man is this special. No man is worth tolerating this for.

MushMonster · 13/10/2026 07:48

Just leave him. Block and delete his contact information.
You do not need this. You will find a better life once you damp him.

Flatwhiteeveryday · 13/10/2026 07:55

ChickNorris · 13/10/2026 00:44

OP. I just wrote a long paragraph and ended up erasing it. I can't believe it. It's too late to rewrite. :/
But you're welcome, honestly. I've been there. The guy I was involved with didn't cheat but had the personality of a cheater. All the hallmarks. 20/20 is an annoying concept, I'll say that.
But sometimes things have to happen in the right order and with enough experience to see them the way you should. So be good to yourself and remember, dickheads know how to spot quality. Just not how to keep it! :)

Ah, it’s okay! Your answers have been really helpful and I really like ‘ dickheads know how to spot quality. Just not how to keep it! ‘ I will keep this in my mind. Unbelievable how people like this can function and look in the mirror and not feeling any guilt at all. Also, just to add, when I brought the subject of the OW last time, he had like a meltdown that all he wanted is peace. He just wants to pretend like nothing happened.

OP posts:
moderate · 13/10/2026 08:18

Flatwhiteeveryday · 13/10/2026 07:55

Ah, it’s okay! Your answers have been really helpful and I really like ‘ dickheads know how to spot quality. Just not how to keep it! ‘ I will keep this in my mind. Unbelievable how people like this can function and look in the mirror and not feeling any guilt at all. Also, just to add, when I brought the subject of the OW last time, he had like a meltdown that all he wanted is peace. He just wants to pretend like nothing happened.

Also, just to add, when I brought the subject of the OW last time, he had like a meltdown that all he wanted is peace. He just wants to pretend like nothing happened.

Textbook stuff, overreacting to your perfectly reasonable attempt to talk about this in the hope that you will drop it to avoid the meltdown.

Just get rid of him.

wiredandtired · 13/10/2026 08:36

Flatwhiteeveryday · 13/10/2026 07:55

Ah, it’s okay! Your answers have been really helpful and I really like ‘ dickheads know how to spot quality. Just not how to keep it! ‘ I will keep this in my mind. Unbelievable how people like this can function and look in the mirror and not feeling any guilt at all. Also, just to add, when I brought the subject of the OW last time, he had like a meltdown that all he wanted is peace. He just wants to pretend like nothing happened.

If he wants peace then surely he can have it - dump him so he can be on his own and have all the peace and quiet he likes.

I think I'd be tempted to also send one single message to the other woman, just letting her know that he's been seeing you (in case she doesn't already), but don't get caught up in any chat back and forth.

It's not worth your time and honestly with guys like this, they like the attention and outrage and the idea of two women talking about them.

Send a single message, block them both, and find someone who actually deserves you.

ChickNorris · 13/10/2026 19:36

Unbelievable how people like this can function and look in the mirror and not feeling any guilt at all.
Quite. All you need to know is that it's not something you could ever do and decide that your values don't align. If you wanted to be nice.
Your best bet is to break up and block.

I am glad you liked my quote.
It's true. I'll just amend it to say that they don't know how to keep them.. the right way. I have spent longer than necessary with the wrong people before. Thankfully it would be far harder for that to happen now.

Good luck op. x

AgentJohnson · 14/10/2026 06:44

This isn’t about this pathetic man or another woman, this is about you and your desperation to be in a relationship, even a shitty one. Nobody’s going to rescue you and he’s not going to turn into a trustworthy prince. Contacting the ‘OW’ is a distraction from what you should have done already.

Yes he’s an arsehole but he’s an arsehole you are now enabling by staying. The ball’s in your court, not his.

HoppingPavlova · 14/10/2026 07:51

I don’t understand the ‘mistress’ and ‘affair’ parts. It seems the guy was dating two people at the same time, so neither of these apply. By this logic you could be the mistress or one he is having the affair with🤷‍♀️. No idea why you want to take the time to contact her, surely just ditch the dirty dog.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page