Considering whether to say goodbye to an abusive mother before she dies

[StrangePastStrangeFeelings]

I’m struggling, not with processing what happened to me growing up but what to do now in regards to my mother.

She was hugely abusive to me from a young age. She added in very random days of being absolutely lovely and wonderful to me (I never know was this deliberate to cause confusion and destabilisation or that she had a disorder and had some ok days).

I suffered a lot. When I see my daughters now happy or having fun , or something small like getting a new outfit and feeling that they look nice and then being proud when I compliment them I’m taken back to how I was treated and it makes me feel so sad for the younger me , told I was hideous and made to feel worthless. Imprisoned repeatedly, severely emotionally abused and very very occasional but when it happened very severe physical abuse.

The thing is I feel I need some kind of closure but I’m pretty much NC apart from very occasional texts. I feel as if I need to see her at some point even briefly as I know she’s in poor health and I want to say some kind of goodbye as there is no chance of me going to a funeral. I don’t know why I feel the need to say goodbye? I don’t know how to approach it at all.

I would go with your gut on this one op and it’s telling you to go.

I had this, but with my father. I never got an apology, but didn't expect one. I forgave him for my peace of mind, not for him as he didn't deserve it. I kept my interaction very light and on the surface, and told myself that if he crossed a boundary, I was leaving. He didn't to be fair. I am glad I did it, because I had no regrets.
I can only tell you what I did, nobody can tell YOU what to do.
I do suggest speaking to a counsellor though to work through your feelings. I have unresolved childhood trauma, so started Counselling recently ( many years after his death). It might help.
Good luck with whatever you decide x

I only have 1 dad

me too, and mine didn't know how to be kind and mine damaged me in ways he could never look at and was harming me until i stopped him being able to talk to me. everyone on earth has one dad. thats not a special situation. the bit for me that was unusual was that my dad was cruel. and in those situations we can use the ‘only one dad’ slogan to make it feel like we need to let people harm us. i knew if my dad had a moment of clarity and love for me where he could see it he would say ‘get away and stay away i can’t be anything other than harmful’ and that unlocked my ‘only 1 dad’ illusion.

(i have more dads now, they don’t know but there are lots of good warm older men who i love in my life.)

The only right thing to do was on her to not be abusive to you as a child.

She didn't.

You don't have to go and try and right her wrongs.

Op I sympathize. I’m VLC with my DM.

What I’ve learned through losing my beloved DF (they were divorced) is that death is a very small part of who someone is and what their life was about. Whoever your DM is now doesn’t make up for who she was and who she has been.

FWIW, I’d probably go. But only because I’ve accepted our relationship is what it is.I’ve made it so that she can’t hurt me any more. The situation saddens me but I know our relationship will never give me what I need, so with that acceptance I can still have compassion for her in that clearly she was emotionally damaged herself, but I can also see that that’s not my fault and it was unfair that I became collateral damage. I understand why we’ve got to where we are. I don’t think she does, but that’s ok, it’s not my job to get her to understand something that is inherently my way of dealing with it. My truth is unlikely to be her truth anyway. Because I see it like that and hold out no hope of reconciliation and because it no longer matters what she says, I’d go. But only because I’d got to that place.

Good luck op.

I did and wish I hadn’t. She just made sure I knew how much she disliked me. That’s what I’m left with for life. She had the opportunity to be kind at least but no she turned the knife.

You could have a couple of one liners in your pocket if she is a bitch to you, along the lines of “well you’ve just proved to me I won’t miss you in the slightest”
”I only came because of appearances, not because I actually cared if I said goodbye or not”
”well you’ve been a complete bitch to me until the very end, I shall not miss you in the slightest”
”you’ve been horrible to me my whole life, it’ll be a relief when you die”
the moment she says something nasty, stand up, say it and walk out.

Only go if you can accept she may be nasty (or indifferent?). If you feel you can accept this, then do it. Otherwise, don't put yourself through it. See a counsellor instead - before or after her death, if you feel it would help.

If you go Op, and she’s cruel, please don’t say any of the above. You’ve been conditioned to feel shit about yourself and you’ll end up beating yourself with your own words. The abuse is always there long after the abuser has gone. Whatever you choose to do I’m giving your hand a squeeze in solidarity.

Life is for the living. She will not be. Fill your time with therapy, building yourself up, spending time with those who actually love and value you.

Looking at your own stats, if that's what they could be called, you have a 90+% chance of her being in cunt mode. And only a 10% or less chance of her being fake pleasant. On paper, it's a nine out of ten chance she will be shit and abusive to you.

A far greater healing move for you would be to invest in your own self esteem and self love. You are worth more than temporarily offering yourself up as a victim to a cruel woman who let you down. Death is no salve, she does not deserve your leniency, she let you down as a helpless little girl. Regardless of her reasons, she didn't seem to improve. No rule says that you have to be the bigger person.

Therapy therapy therapy. You deserve better ❤️ it will be hard. But much more worthwhile than hurting yourself this way.

Fabulous post. Such wise words.

If you feel the need then yes. But you owe her nothing. You sound amazing btw

How will you feel when you hear she's died if you haven't seen her? Imagine it now. Will you feel any guilt at all or just relief? If there's any guilt then she will still be controlling you from the grave. If you do decide to go and see her then you're taking charge of the goodbye but be prepared for it not to be a great visit - make peace with yourself while you're there, try and be calm and unemotional and then you can put it all to rest. Good luck.

See her if you wish but I think you’ll find her death closure. My DD was more loving to other (step) siblings and more interested. I always felt sad and resentful, and missed the DD I never had . Since he died I feel released. It’s all in the past now and I rarely think of him.