Considering whether to say goodbye to an abusive mother before she dies

[StrangePastStrangeFeelings]

I’m struggling, not with processing what happened to me growing up but what to do now in regards to my mother.

She was hugely abusive to me from a young age. She added in very random days of being absolutely lovely and wonderful to me (I never know was this deliberate to cause confusion and destabilisation or that she had a disorder and had some ok days).

I suffered a lot. When I see my daughters now happy or having fun , or something small like getting a new outfit and feeling that they look nice and then being proud when I compliment them I’m taken back to how I was treated and it makes me feel so sad for the younger me , told I was hideous and made to feel worthless. Imprisoned repeatedly, severely emotionally abused and very very occasional but when it happened very severe physical abuse.

The thing is I feel I need some kind of closure but I’m pretty much NC apart from very occasional texts. I feel as if I need to see her at some point even briefly as I know she’s in poor health and I want to say some kind of goodbye as there is no chance of me going to a funeral. I don’t know why I feel the need to say goodbye? I don’t know how to approach it at all.

I can understand that you think she would have one last chance to say something hurtful. I was NC with my mother, who eventually moved abroad. My Aunt who was with her at the end said her last comment was, “ I have had a wonderful life”.
When I heard this, I thought ‘ yes at whose emotional expense?’ Nevertheless I felt free at last.

I went to say goodbye to my dad on what I thought was his deathbed. Hadn’t spoken to him in a few years. He was just as much of a bastard to me this time as any other time. I told him I loved him and goodbye, but I felt like shit after and I still do. I wish I hadn’t gone (this was a few years ago). He recovered from this and went on to live a few more months and then died, but I didn’t see him again. I’m glad he’s gone and it’s all put to bed.

I'm not going to say you should go or you’ll regret it, because you might not and it might just make you feel worse. Only you know what to do here, don’t just do what’s expected of you.

@speakballperfect words

Im nc with my mother.
After the last 18 months of lc. I have no desire to visit her. She wouldnt get a headstone for my df grave or collect my aunties ashes (her sister) and finish her last wish to have them buried with her parents its cominf up 3 year since she passes away. Some people dont deserve forgiveness.

If you are expecting some kind of resolution or closure, you will probably be disappointed. That’s a Disney thing. The only satisfaction I had when nursing my abusive mother was that the friends she had pandered to saw how she really treated me when her illness removed her filter. One of the last things she said to me was that she wished I hadn’t been resuscitated when I was was born, and they’d left me in “the bucket.” Her friend was shocked, but she had been telling me that all my life.

No just me. I think as I am the oldest that I symbolised something negative to her the change in her life. She hated being pregnant, giving birth and looking after me. Apparently I screamed all the time so she couldn’t cope. Then she channeled any negativity towards me so when she had more children of they frustrated her it was taken out on me as I was the one who had started the process of her being a mother.

she was also jealous of me and would tell me I was ugly / that she was better/prettier/thinner and get out photos when she was the same age to show me

I didn’t say goodbye to my dying dad. I have no regrets. I only went to the funeral to support my siblings. I was asked to read at the funeral. It took all and forever to find something nice to say. Tbh I regret doing that.

To me, then suddenly being vulnerable isn’t a reason for me to let bygones by bygones.

I didn't.
No regrets.

I think you need to examine what you want from this goodbye. I spoke to my mother 2 weeks before her death, she was sending my ds cards in the post and I had repeatedly asked her to stop, so I rang her and again asked her to stop. She told me I was a crazy bitch and she dropped dead 2 weeks later. All I felt was relief , she knew she hadn't long left when she spoke to me , yet all she could do was insult her first born. It just goes to show who she was.

Protect your peace OP. Only go if you are fully prepared for her to be abusive and are mentally well enough to manage the fall out. It is best if we give ourselves closure and not rely on others for it.

She made you the scapegoat for all her inherent ills. You owe her nothing, let alone a visit or any sort of a relationship here. Where was your father?. I ask only as he’s not been mentioned.

@Francestein that's truly nasty and clearly only the very tip of a big iceberg.

Tbh there is no way I would put myself at risk of my crap father saying something that would flay me again. I've spent enough of my life having to process all the shit things he did and said, I have zero desire to have to lick another wound inflicted by him.

But then I made my peace with never seeing him again 23 years ago. It was actually a surprise to me when a distant friend told me 5 years ago that he's still alive. When he dies, I will go for a walk and I will remember everything, good and bad, and then that'll be it. That'll be my closure. The final snick of the door latching home.

But that's just me, and my situation.

Maybe it will help you to see your mother one last time. I guess you have to do a costs-benefits analysis on the basis of the worst and the best possible outcomes, and the relative likelihood of these outcomes.

In a similar position, we've had a letter from my MIL's sister saying MIL is on End of Life. My husband grew up in a violent household and has been no contact for 20 years. I've said I'd go with him for support but he's decided it's too much water under the bridge and nothing good will come from seeing her again. I'm not even sure if she knows she's a grandma which is sad, but I've had such a different upbringing I'll never fully understand. Take care OP.

Speakball. It is truky awful to read how your Dad treated you.
I just wish to send you a very big hug.

My dad has been verbally abusive to me most of my adult years, he has a lot of life trauma (a lot of it is from my mum treating him bad and then divorcing him and taking me away from him) and he has a lot of mental health issues and has cut me out for up to a year at a time a couple of times and I always keep the contact going even in those "don't text me " angry days.

I only have 1 dad and I know I would regret not keeping the contact up, its mostly from a far now on calls as he is not very well. It was never physical abuse though.

I do think that a final goodbye could be good for you if you are asking this though. Some of us just feel that way with parents, like a responsibility to do the right thing, despite having less than great parents.

I agree with @AttilaTheMeerkat, you will get no closure from a woman like this. I was sadly in my 50s before I realised, with the help of a therapist, that my adoptive mother was actually far more abusive than my alcoholic adoptive father. Once he died she got worse and worse to the point I had to back off. She told me in a letter to leave her alone (I was supposed to come running back begging) and when I took her at her word she smeared me to everyone she could. She only "loved" me when I behaved exactly as she wanted. Her family was the same. Behave or you are OUT.
She changed her will to cut me out not long before she died, her way of having the last word. But the peace I had from not having her in my life was worth it, even though it hurt - my father would never have been so cruel.

She left everything to her narc son who threw out everything personal of hers within a week, and disregarded her burial wishes in favour of the cheapest solution possible. Even though her "close" family have realised how rotten he is, they still paint me as a bad guy. That's fine, given they cut me off so easily, I do not want them in my life.

I didn't go to her funeral as the chief "mourners" were part of the toxic pack and would have made it their mission for the day to attack me rather than grieving their abusive relative.

I've read a lot about toxic families and had a lot of therapy. With that in mind I'd suggest you STAY CLEAR. Toxic people just want to shift the blame for their own unhappiness onto someone else. Do not allow yourself to be the target.

It's an awful situation and I sympathise.

I agree with this.

It sounds like she has some kind of mental health issue,/personality disorder...whatever you want to call it. It might be that you are able to step back from it because of this.....detach yourself to some extent. I'm not making excuses for her, but people who behave like that towards their own kids almost always have some kind of mental health problem themselves, or some trauma in their past. . Anyone who is physically violent to a child has lost the plot in some way, let's face it, because that just isn't normal parental behaviour. . Go and see her if you need to, but hold back a part of yourself so you dont get tangled ip in her emoyional mess..Remember..You have the absolute right to protect yourself .You are a separate human being and not simply an extension of her.

Op have you thought of seeing a therapist, one who deals in grief, to work through what you might want to say to your mum, without actually being vulnerable to her being abusive to you again?

@StrangePastStrangeFeelings she's vile doing that to you. Stay strong if you do go. She really isn't worth pissing on if she was on fire imo.

This is an excellent idea - specially is the counsellor also deals in people with complicated families

The thing is that if you don't see her, you could find yourself wondering whether you missed the chance for her to be nice one more time.

The other thing is that she may be unwell, but not actually approaching end of life. What happens if she continues the abuse by saying something nice (or cruel) now but then rolls back on it on a subsequent visit - would you be more upset by experiencing it again, or would it be easier to stop at the one visit?

If you already know, as you do, that the overwhelming likelihood is that she's going to say something awful (and if she is approaching or at end of life means that masking her nature is less likely), it might not be pleasant but you would know for sure. Which could be reassuring in the aftermath that you hadn't imagined it.

I don't think that it would exactly help to see it as a 'closure' opportunity and have expectations of how it should go in the vein of 'this is the last time I will see you as you are going to die and I want to say goodbye' sort of thing, but if you feel that it would be beneficial to at least see what happens, to know that you did try, then visit for a short time where you are in control of the situation and can say 'OK, I'm going to go now'. Or she refuses to see you and you can say 'OK.' and leave without guilt or feelings of rejection.

***

The period after an abusive parent has died can cause very complex feelings. There's the 'Did I imagine it?', 'But what if...?', 'My siblings are upset but I'm not crying/why aren't I happy or relieved/why does it still hurt?' and the 'I'm not entirely sure what I feel about this', along with the knowledge that you've had hope from childhood that things would get better being replaced with the knowledge that now, it can't. It's done. And for some people, they don't feel any of those ambivalent emotions or thoughts, it gives them clarity and security that it's all done now. Which is also perfectly normal.

If you're giving her one more chance to be nice, there is no way of guaranteeing that she'll take it. But if you're giving yourself one more chance to be sure, so that you don't suffer with what-if-she-changed, so you don't wish that you'd done it to know for sure, that you are putting your feelings and wellbeing first, and whether she's nice or nasty doesn't matter because it's for your benefit, then it could be beneficial.

Whatever you decide, it's your choice, you have the power that you didn't as a child. She doesn't, whether she tries to exercise it one more time in vicious words, a refusal to see you or in being all nice for a change. She's said it all before, you know whatever comes out isn't a surprise. You can choose to see her briefly for your benefit, for the surety. Or not. Nobody else can tell you what to do or what it makes you if you go or don't go.

You have the power.

I had a complete mental breakdown in my early 30s. Not sure what kicked it off but a whole floodgate of memories opened and it was awful.

I couldn't remember and didnt think much of my childhood at home. All my childhood memories were with friends or dinners and playing at their houses or spending entire summer holidays staying with cousins in Ireland by the sea.

We saw my dad very occasionally and I always felt off and qould activly avoid it as would my younger sister.

When those repressed memories surfaced I ended up seeing a counsellor after my wife sorted that out for me.
My earliest memories now are being told I wasnt wanted and being made to pack a bag to go live anywhere else. I was probably 4 ish as my sister was a baby.
I was beaten with a belt until I bled for something a friend did. But that was only after being told when it would happen in a few days time and having that fear and waiting for it with constant reminders. I think i was 8 for that.
All during my dad would constantly tell me to leave if I dared disagree with anything. Constant threats of violence too.
And then there was the other things. He took pictures and liked to play games like strip poker. At that age I didn't know any different.

I was told by the counsellor that it is not unusual for a person to repress memories such as those I had as a survival mechanism especially when entering adulthood.

My sister had similar treatment though hers was constant body shaming and put downs instead of violence. She too went through SA. A teacher picked up on it and it was followed up with the police. But they asked a leading question and the case was untenable after that so it was dropped.

She too had repressed memories that flooded back and together we broke.

We cut all contact imeadiatly. No explanation to him. Just done!
He showed himself as knowing why when the letters started arriving around my kids birthdays. He would leave a card in person and inside would always be another envelope with a letter. He tried blaming everyone else for things that happened to us as children. So he knew his actions then were bad.

We never responded. Years went by until a few years back on boxing day I get a call from the hospital asking me and my sister to go in as his next of kin.
They wouldnt tell us why at first as his medical records had no next of kin listed. I was just the only name in his phone with the same last name.

Eventually I asked if they wanted us to pull life support or something could we come back as I didnt feel like killing him at christmas. Maybe tomorrow I will though. (Always had a very dark sense of humour as has my sister). Thats when they told us he passed during the night and was still on the ward.

We went to see him and he was lifeless with his mouth hanging open. By his side was an untouched christmas dinner with a christmas cracker.
My sister and I wordlessly pulled the cracker over him and then she made a joke about the prize falling into his open mouth.
We left and called people in the family. Not a single person cared. "Thabks for letting us know, cant remember the last time we saw him." Many asked if we needed anything but no one said sorry for your loss as they all knew.

We went to the house we grew up in and knocked on his neighbors door to let her know. She was a vicar who had been there when we were kids. Its telling that she said "i did wonder if he had died as I hadn't seen him for a few weeks. I didnt want to knock though just incase he was still alive as then I'd have to talk to him".

The house was a state with grime everywhere. Outside it was immaculate as was his car but inside it was disgusting. Fitting.

We decided on no funeral. We arranged a non attended cremation. We did have to write words into a eulogy as the computer wouldnt accept a blank box. We put a single full stop.

A few old school friends of his and one family member pushed for a funeral. I shut them down with a they can do what they want if they pay for it and do not include us. No one actually did.

The vicar asked us about burial as he lived in the village he was entitled to be in the graveyard. We said no thanks and she said thats a relief as no one would have wanted him in there.

I do not regret not seeing him again or getting any form of apology. I found closure in knowing he was gone. Plus selling his house and using the money for my kids was enough for me.

Hope you figure out what to do. Some parents suck but they show us exactly how not to do it. My teanage daughter is happy and spends a lot of time with me talking about everything. Sharing hobbies and always asks advice. She knows she can always tell me to sod off or disagree with me and that is always fine. My son too has never known fear or pain at our hands. He can stand up for himself and others and if he has a reason will stand up to authority like teachers knowing i 100% have his back.
They both know home is always home and it is safe. And that will never ever change.

Hey op. I very much relate. I went nc with my father 10 years before he died. My sister did not notify me of his death. I found out a year later through a neighbour. My sister was v much part of the EA too. I was removed from the will which he always threatened to do when I was a child ffs.
its not been easy but I don’t regret my actions. As an adult you have to put your own wellbeing first as there are no guarantees anyone else ever will. I wish you all the best x