Feel caught between friend and boyfriend

[Grtscott]

I have been with my boyfriend Bill 18 months.

I have been loose friends with Mel and Bill for over 10 years.

Mel's DD Sue has been dating Bill's son Ben for just over a year. They are 17.

Since Mel's seperation, I've been spending more time with her. Last week, she told me a few things that Ben had spoken to her about regarding Bill. She's also told me about the plans Ben and Sue have for holidays this month. Mel acknowledged she needs to speak to Bill about these things.

She's been loose friends with Bill longer than I have, but again, her seperation meant the 3 of us have been out more in group settings than before, so they're now closer too.

I'm now in this weird position where i know things about Ben that Bill doesn't. I don't want to betray loyalties to Mel but I think Bill needs to know. I also don't spend much time with Ben, so don't get an opportunity to say to him "have a chat with your dad about..."

I've told Bill that Mel has told me stuff about Ben, and it feels wrong to tell him as it's not my place. Bill is ok with that and understands i feel in the middle. I've asked Mel to talk to Bill asap about these things

It's nothing lifechanging or worrying about Ben. Just information I'd rather Mel told Bill, not me, as i feel i'm keeping secrets from my boyfriend. And i don't like it.

How would you handle in the future if Mel talks more about Ben?

I'm assuming the issue is with two 17 year-olds going away together unaccompanied. But unless OP's partner's son is planning on sneaking out and leaving "Gone to Greece - back in two weeks" on a Post-It a'la Shirley Valentine, he'll surely have to tell his father what he's planning at some point.

It’s nothing earth shattering and your partner is fine with you knowing some information about his son that doesn’t. It’s really not something to be fretting over. You’ve told your friend to speak to your partner, that should be the end of your responsibility.

Tell Mel you don't want to hear anything more about Ben as it puts you in an awkward position, and if she's worried about anything she should speak to Bill directly.

If the best example you can give is that you know their holiday plans for next month, I really wouldn’t be getting myself on a twist about this @Grtscott

In future say to Mel, 'You really can't tell me stuff about Ben, given that I'm dating his Dad. It puts me in a really awkward position, knowing things I feel my partner should know about his son and yet it not being my place to say.'

This would be your response if Mel mentioned holiday plans for next month?

Did anyone else feel like we were about to be asked if Ben has 3 marbles, and bill has 2 times that many, does Sue have the most?

Will try reading again…

Ok got it now…

If it isn’t life changing, is it just gossip? Or is it actually important?

He is 17 so really you could just tell your boyfriend what your friend has said, if you think it is too important to ignore. Then ask your friend to not put you in the middle.

But all of that is without the context of what the information is

😂

Ask her not to involve you and to keep Bens confidences and issues to herself. That way you arent in the middle of it all.

What are Sandra’s thoughts? What kind of things is Mel telling you that you are worried about not sharing with Big Bill?

Also you could be a good writer for the 1% club telly programme

Is Sandra Sue’s best mate?

@Notgonnatalkabouttheweather yes I think that’s how I deduced it and Rita is Sue’s mother

I wonder whether Julie will get in a hump about being left out

Mel shouldn’t be gossiping to you about Ben.

@Notgonnatalkabouttheweather yep Julie doesn’t like it when Mel talks to Sue but doesn’t tell Big Bry. That’s why OP needs to have a word with Big Bry but not Julie and possibly Deirdre too

Holidays plans for next month…. Gossip?

Me too, 😫

I got a complete nostalgic flashback!

"Weeeeeeee-d!"
"Flobbadob!"
etc.

If that makes no sense, kids, ask your (grand)parents.

I’m confused but it’s not your place to report back to your bf when a friend has shared something.

I would assume that if Ben doesn’t want Mel to tell bill, that would include by extension, her not telling you either? In which case she should keep it to herself or ask him not to tell her that sort of thing.

if it’s all just random mentions and no one has specifically said not to tell, then I don’t see why you can’t just drop it into conversation? Why does she have to speak to bill about it? Why not just say to Ben “don’t forget to tell your dad about that”?

this feels like a lot of drama

Is Andy Pandy also in your friendship group?

He left years ago following a major falling out with @Grtscott

I don't really get why that feels uncomfortable though. We all have secrets and confidences from each other. I know things about DD that she's chosen not to tell DP, and I'm sure the same is true vice versa. DPs sister has told me things in confidence that I've not passed to DP.

Your partner is a separate person to you. You're not joined at the hip, you're not a shared hive mind. You don't have to know everything they do and they don't need to know everything you do, even when its about someone closer to them than you.