Please give me some advice - DD’s Bf threatening suicide

[DrowningInSellotape]

I’ve attached his latest messages - should she call the police - she’s been trying to leave him for months and has finally done it thankfully. He’s been emotionally manipulating her for a long time and we know can see he love bombed her at the beginning of the relationship. Should she just ignore?

And it’s wrong to say that people who threaten suicide never do it. That’s a dangerous misunderstanding.

If hes an adult, ignore or call the police for a welfare check. If teenager (or even a student over 18), call his parents and/or an ambulance.

Agree I don't think that is a suicide threat, more hints in that direction to manipulate her /suicidal ideation, which is not the same as actively planning. But a welfare check/putting the whole thing on the police radar is not a bad idea anyway.

My dd had similar, I called the police who did a welfare check and blocked him. He made another account and did it again. He ended up being charged as its considered coercive behaviour.

Thank you for all the replies - most of them reinforce my feeling about it all. To answer a couple of questions that have come up:

1. no they aren’t teens. My daughter is 26 and has mild autism. BF is I think 28. They have been living together in a privately rented flat - they only have to give 2 months notice to leave, which my DD has done because BF said he won’t be staying there on his own. She’s been gradually getting g her stuff out of there.
2. neither I nor DD have contact with any of BF’s family. In fact I believe BF only has contact with his mother, no other family. From what I can work out, she’s not very well herself, and DD has never met her despite being with BF for I believe ?3 years (maybe 4)

I would message any friends or family to check in on him or failing that 111 for advice. Then get your daughter to block him.

Can you get some therapy for her? She might listen to an impartial person more than her mum but you don’t want her to fall into another relationship like this. Abusers seem to be able to sense vulnerability and she needs to know what makes a healthy relationship- not threats and manipulation. I absolutely hate men like this.

People who do threaten to take their own life, do often go through with it. However, it does sound likes he's manipulating her. She can sign post him to the Samaritans and his GP and call the police for a welfare check. Does he have any additional needs?

Welfare check. If he’s telling the truth, it will help him. If he’s manipulating, it will give him a shock.

This is a really valuable lesson for your dd to learn - that she is not responsible for another person's choices and actions.

He is just trying to manipulate her. If it helps her to report her concerns to the police, there is no harm in that. Then block him. Ultimately, she will not be responsible for whatever he decides to do in response.

Just block. A welfare check would be a waste of police time, and this bloke sounds like a waste of skin and organs.

And while suicide isn’t a crime, harassment can be, so maybe your daughter could pursue that with the police instead

My 19 year old cousin went through this everytime she tried to end her relationship with her manipulative and controlling boyfriend. Her Dad got so sick of his coercive behavior and his daughter running back to him everytime in fear he would do something silly, he went round and showed the boys parents his manipulation tactics. They were incredibly angry at their son as he blamed my cousin for all the arguments and problems in their relationship and are now making him seek help so as he grows he hopefully won’t put another female through trauma.

If the mum isn’t reliable, I’d call 111 and report it somewhere and then dd should tell him she’s blocking and block.

So my other DD has just now messaged me to say DD should tell BF’s friend to check on him and then block him. I didn’t know that DD has contact with any friend so that’s a good move I think. But also some kind of welfare check. I am mindful of repercussions of the unlikely event BF does do something stupid.

but I’m sure it’s manipulation. The image in my OP is under moderation but one of the things he says is that he hasn’t showered since she left. I don’t feel like that’s something someone would genuinely share in these circumstances- or even be aware of themselves.

I don’t read that message as threatening suicide, it’s just dramatic hyperbole and emotional blackmail.
tell the friend to check in as he’s taken the break up hard and leave it at that.

Thank you everyone for all the advice. It’s hard to just block him because they share a flat and she needs to get her stuff out, including furniture which needs a van etc. but I think she will get through this

one of my exes did this. He’s still alive and kicking.

Also had an ex who threatened suicide, he was also violent and controlling, fucker is still alive.

Repercussions from who?

Block and ignore.

I work with people who have suicidal tendencies and ideation. Call 111 and choose option 2 for the mental health crisis team. They will either go out themselves, or they'll tell you to dial 999. It will be in the right hands. Don't call local charities. Just call 111.

OP, if he continues sending messages like this to her and she's not coping, she could always message him your number and tell him make the arrangements via you, then block him on her own phone.

He's probably unlikely to send the guilt trips to you, and if he does you can screen them from her and only pass on the practical elements.

I wouldn't normally intervene but if she is autistic and struggling, I think it would be worth taking the emotional load off her shoulders.

Doesn't this come under "Coercive and controlling behaviour" and is a Criminal act?

So sorry your DD is going through this. His actions should not/never be ignored. Police need to be involved asap either as Welfare or investigation.

Report to police for safeguarding and also mention the domestic abuse and manipulation because this is what it is. Every single time he threatens or says he is suicidal ring the police. He will soon stop this once they turn up and they have dealt with Arsehole’s like this many a time

@MonaChopsis that’s a really good idea - I’ve suggested it but as I suspected she is not going for that. Maybe she will after mulling it over. However, predictably the self pitying threats have now stopped - it then cycled round to anger - now it’s coldness which is better - he’s just delaying when they should hand in their notice for the flat tenancy. Of course she could just do it herself but he’s still living there. We can’t pay indefinitely for rent for an ex however !! I’ve made this clear. (as in, her half of the rent for a flat she’s not living in but he is).

Samaritans will not take a third party referral for someone who hasn't consented to being contacted by them.

I think ethically you should let the police know for a potential welfare check, however my experience of similar when leaving an abusive partner was that it was all talk to manipulate me. I said and did nothing in response, cut him out of my life, and as far as I know he's now married and very much alive.