What is wrong with me and how do I put this right ?

[wanttomakeitbetter]

regular MN'er have used this name before but not my current name.

DH and I have been together for 12 years, two DC's.

Year 5 he was violent to me and I went to walk, he begged me to stay - I did.

Year 10 - we almost split, not one particular reason it was like a chinese water torutre - drip drip, undermining me - I got called names, told I was a bad mother, he slagged off my family, criticised the clothes I wore, after two years of that I'd had enough and wanted out - he begged me to stay and we worked at our marriage.

roll on two years and I feel like we've slipped back to where we were, not quite as bad, but I feel like I have to defend myself all the time.

I told him I didn't feel loved, and feel neglected his response was to tell me I couldn't possibly feel like that so to take it back. If you search on this name you'll find my previous posts about our intimate life - things are no better now.

I had struck up a friendship with someone in work, and it's been very flirty, funny and if I'm honest I've really appreciated the attention. His wife has found out he's been friendly with me and it's now stopped.

Please don't flame me, I'm not proud of it, nothing physical happened, and I know he should have been putting that time into his relationship. And I really do hope no long term damage has come to their relationship.

I didn't go looking for it, but I didn't stop it either.

I don't know what I'm asking really, I know I'm not 100% happy in my marriage, I've tried talking to DH to be dismissed - this is what happened 2 years ago when he refused to talk and it was only when we nearly split he wanted to.

I think there is lots there, he is jealous of my career but loves the perks, he doesn't like my family at all and constantly criticises them, he puts his interests first before our family (gets his annual leave and books in his days for races etc doesn't think of school holidays)

as I say nothing major that you'd think right I'm off, but all added together it's a daily grind

I know others have bigger problems than this, but the flirty friendship has been a bit of a wake up call for me.

If you want to make it better then flirty friendships with married men is NOT a good place to start!

You need to work out what you want and act on it on your own

Do you want to be with your dh or not do you think?

Have you tried relate or similar

he also swears at DC's and I've stepped in more than once to stop him

eldest DC has heard us arguing twice in the last couple of weeks, hid behind the door and snuck away when he saw me coming, thought I hadn't seen him

What do you want? If you want to end the relationship, it's your decision, not his. A trial separation might work, if only to make it clear that you are prepared to walk away if his behaviour doesn't improve (poss combined with counselling?)

Do you have low self-esteem
That is a usual reason for seeking/responding to attention from elsewhere. Of course it is nice to make yourself feel better about yourself

But it usually ends in disaster (QED - hope his poor wife is ok)

the answer is maybe in the heading op?

If your dh is like yousay he is, then he is making you wonder what is wrong with you, when it rather sounds as though he is the hard work.

Can you see yourself being happy, really, say in 5 yrs time, ten yrs time.

Perhpas you have both changed? Perhpas it wasn't meant to be a forever thing?

I would suggest relate too, certainly your DH needs to do some work on his behaviour... verbal abuse to you and the DCs is appalling. Who can blame you for seeking positive attention? You probably chose a married man as you knew it wouldn't go anywhere, forgive yourself and find something positive that you can do.
Relate counsel over the phone if you need it, just to get a start on things.
Take Care.

If we didn't have children we wouldn't be together now.

but we do have children and I made a promise the day I married him, I do believe in marriage.

and I know flirty relationships are not good, I feel completely crap and ashamed of myself.

we haven't tried relate, he said he'd go last time but didn't, after he said he didn't think we needed it.

I'm trying to tell him how I feel but he takes it as a personal criticism, he thinks he does too much and said he's paid help when he looks after his own children

You can go on your own to start with if he is not amenable

Though tbh I think you should be having a serious talk with him and making him realise that you are feeling make or break about the relationship and you want more from it than just being there for the sake of the children

On second thought I think I agree with NDTH.

If you are unhappy and being abused, children are not a good enough reason to stay together. My view is that you promise to give marriage a bloody good go when you get married, but that does not mean that you put up with physical and mental abuse for the sake of the relationship. If he doesn;t treat you with love and respect, he isn't holding to his part of the bargain. My gut instinct would be to say get the hell out of there, but maybe youl;d be happy with a compromise, i.e. trial separation?

my eldest has some challenging behaviour, stupid stuff and DH has told him to "stop acting like a stupid f**ng brat"

I've barely seen him since the football has been on.

he got narky on my birthday as he came in from work and had to do tea as I hadn't had a chance - friends and family coming round - even my friend spoke to him which isn't like her

he then disappeared to watch the football, and I didn't see him again until 10pm by which time we were going to bed

That said, he's taken the boys out twice this weekend so I could do some work, he does 70% of all the household chores.

Believe me I hope that the friends wife is o.k.

will relate just talk to me ? I feel like crying atm, my friends and family tell me that he is jealous of me, just had some good news in work about possible promotion and he wasn't at all supportive

I don't seem able to talk to him he thinks I'm having a go at him, and will turn it round and start telling me all that is wrong with me.

Yes I shout at the children, but I don't swear and I don't call them names.

I don't do as much housework as him.

how do I start with relate, I really do need someone impartial to help me work this through.

Phone them now....
I would imagine you remind your dh of everything he's not.

I never used to have low self esteem but I do now, he'd tell me I had bingo tops on - eyes down look in - so the necklines got higher

I'm losing weight at the moment, and he's saying I'm wasting away, but look good/better

he won't tell me he's proud of me no matter what I do/achieve - according to him I shouldn't need him to

feeling really hopeless atm, I want to talk to him but I can see it playing out - him getting defensive - criticising me - walking out - and me feeling even worse afterwards

Sounds like my df, my mother's still with him 36 years on. He hasn't changed except any of the nice stuff has lessened and the horrid stuff has increased and the stuff in between is nothingness. Sounds like you really need to leave, this is up to you either give your DCs a happy home where they're nourished or don't but you can't blame DH if you stay, you know he won't change...........

I feel so crap, my stomach is in knots and I can't eat.

just looked at the relate site and how you argue describes us to a tea. Criticism, contempt and defensiveness.

most of the time we talk about what we're doing and ignore the other stuff.

I feel so weak, at work I'm strong, confident, can take charge - but at home I've always deferred to him, given in to arguements.

He said the other day that the split 2 years ago was my fault because of how I was - seems his memory has changed because at the time he acknowledged his faults.

Phone relate

If you want to talk to someone impartial, ring the Samaritans. They won't give advice, but it might help to vent

sorry to sound like I'm whingeing but this is helping honestly

he tells me I over analyse things and I should just get on with it

I had the strength 2 years ago to walk, I'd given up arguing and I said I'd never go there again, and I feel like that's where I'm headed.

Ironically if he found out about my flirty friendship it would confirm all the names he's called me and he'd probably leave me and or make my life hell

actually he told me I'd have to leave if we ever split up and pay him a ratio of 2:1 from my salary as I earn a lot more

think I'll start keeping a diary so I can look back and see if I'm being unreasonable

he's very good at turning things round and making me question myself

W, you have done nothing wrong. No matter what you thought about you don't deserve to be called names.