What is wrong with me and how do I put this right ?

[wanttomakeitbetter]

regular MN'er have used this name before but not my current name.

DH and I have been together for 12 years, two DC's.

Year 5 he was violent to me and I went to walk, he begged me to stay - I did.

Year 10 - we almost split, not one particular reason it was like a chinese water torutre - drip drip, undermining me - I got called names, told I was a bad mother, he slagged off my family, criticised the clothes I wore, after two years of that I'd had enough and wanted out - he begged me to stay and we worked at our marriage.

roll on two years and I feel like we've slipped back to where we were, not quite as bad, but I feel like I have to defend myself all the time.

I told him I didn't feel loved, and feel neglected his response was to tell me I couldn't possibly feel like that so to take it back. If you search on this name you'll find my previous posts about our intimate life - things are no better now.

I had struck up a friendship with someone in work, and it's been very flirty, funny and if I'm honest I've really appreciated the attention. His wife has found out he's been friendly with me and it's now stopped.

Please don't flame me, I'm not proud of it, nothing physical happened, and I know he should have been putting that time into his relationship. And I really do hope no long term damage has come to their relationship.

I didn't go looking for it, but I didn't stop it either.

I don't know what I'm asking really, I know I'm not 100% happy in my marriage, I've tried talking to DH to be dismissed - this is what happened 2 years ago when he refused to talk and it was only when we nearly split he wanted to.

I think there is lots there, he is jealous of my career but loves the perks, he doesn't like my family at all and constantly criticises them, he puts his interests first before our family (gets his annual leave and books in his days for races etc doesn't think of school holidays)

as I say nothing major that you'd think right I'm off, but all added together it's a daily grind

I know others have bigger problems than this, but the flirty friendship has been a bit of a wake up call for me.

You need to throw this nasty wanker out of the house. He has forfeited the right to any domestic or sexual service from you by his unpleasant behaviour, and if he forces sex on you again, call the police and report him for rape: you are not now legally obliged to be raped by a man just because you are married to him.

Well tbh it does sound like relate might help

You don't sound like you are communicating at all. He is probably festering in a similar way about some imagined sleights. Also he sounds like he resents your career.

Give them a call
go on your own if he won't ocme

At least it will give you someone to talk the situation through with and work out how you really feel - hopefully you can work on him to come too. If not at least you will know you did everything you could

wanttomakeitbetter - when my Dad left he didn;t have to pay my mum any support (only split the assets) becasue they were both working and no dependent children. Her solicitor told her that provided that they both earned enough for their needs then neither needed to support the other.

If that is still the case (this was a few years ago) then provided you have custody not him) I see no reason why you would need to pay him anything.

oh my God, I wouldn't have said that I was suffering from DV but reading that NDTH has winded me a little

really sounding like a victim here, but it doesn't happen all the time, and he is nice a some of the time

I don't feel like I've been raped, as I haven't said no.

probably TMI but yesterday I was bent over and he said my chest looked lovely, and pleasured himself whilst looking/touching me - although I wasn't happy about it I just stayed and let him till he was finished

o.k. guys I'm going to keep my diary and see how things go.

now as for the friend, I have no idea if there are any other consequences to face from that as yet. What do I do about that ? if anything ?

obviously he's blocked from my email, I won't enter into that type of conversation with him again.

what if his DW contacts me, is there anything I could do to make it better for her ? I am deeply ashamed, it was all cyber - no physical contact at all - even though we work for the same company

I think all you can do is steer well clear of him
If she contacts you I guess all you can do is apologise and take whatever she doles out to you
There is of course the risk that she will contact your dh.

I'm being generous when I say lube in fact it's the spit from his mouth

I had a falling out with my sister that lasted about a month, he doesn't like my sister and even though he knew I was really upset didn't encourage me once to make contact with her.

It was actually a dear friend who I'd not spoken to in a few weeks gave me the shove I needed.

he blames the rip in our settee on my neices weight - she is overweight and probably sits on it twice a month if that. Neither of us are light, and our DC's do nothing but bounce on it.

but when we talk about wanting a new one it's "yeah your fat neice has been sh***ing on it again) she now has a boyfriend of 7 months so clearly it's all their fault

Hey, if the DW phones you say you're sorry and that any commitment that was made to her was by him not you. FFS do not take whatever she wishes to hand out, you've enough abuse in your life and her beef is with her dh not you.
Take steps to leave your relationship, maybe it will be bearable whilst you make plans to escape.

actually NDTH ours is the opposite, I'd glady do dress up but he doesn't like it

last week we'd began to get intimate and he ventured south, he'd been there all of 2 minutes and came back up I asked him to carry on and his response was "I've been there 10 minutes you take too long"

and then it went back to the counting by numbers approach

Twelvelegs you've just brought tears to my eyes.

I've been around MN long enough to know how the DW's feel, and that is compounding how crap I feel.

I can't find solace in the fact nothing physical happened as I know so many women feel more betrayed by emotional mistrust than physical - remember the polls

But if she does contact me I will apologise.

I could kick myself, I knew what he was doing when flirting with me, I knew what he was doing when he was pushing the boundaries, I knew I should have stopped it.

I wonder as well if this is how married life is supposed to be when you've been together so long ?

no fireworks, routine, and just sort of rubbing along together ?

My parents had a violent relationship that ended in divorce when I was 13. I've never seen anyone in a long term loving relationship.

If he hit me I'd walk, if he hit the kids I'd walk

I can't say if he had an affair I'd walk as I suspect he did when DC2 was 9 months old (the year my mum died)

I understand that that is a reason to leave, can't get my head round the drip drip is a reason if you know what I mean ?

f he hit you you'd walk. It this becuas eit gives you a more 'plausable and strong' reason for leaving.

It is ENOUGH that he is being like he is.

I'm so sorry if that made you well up. You didn't do anything, you did a little window shopping because you felt crappy and someone was nice to you, probably made you feel attractive and worthy. He did not commit adultery, didn't leave his wife.... when she saw what he was doing he stopped. Hasten to add that his relationship obviously had holes otherwise he wouldn't be looking for something else. You are not an OW, maybe not even a potential OW so forget about it.

Where abouts are you Want? Only you seem as if you could do with a friend.
Life is not made to order and sometimes we get it wrong, it's best to recognise and walk away. Do you have dds? How would you feel if this were them? Why do you deserve anything less?

dont' feel like I deserve a friend right now

and I did do something I flirted like crazy, very close to the knuckle.

when he did tell me he could fall for me, started to question his relationship my advice to him was

you meet people you think "if I were single" it doesn't make what you've got wrong, it's just different, the grass isn't always greener and don't throw away what you have because you fancy sh**ng someone else

he'd text me he'd been missing me and I'd respond missing you too

So what? Maybe he's in a shitty relationship too. Stop making yourself out to be the bad guy. Forget this flirt, shit we all have them to some extent, you probably talked yourself in a little too far.
Maybe this man is right for you but until you sort out your own stuff you're not in a position to really find out. Not about adultery either, this is about being in a place where your actions are not reactions.
The bigger picture is your H.

Are you in the South West?

I'm not no, actually in hell atm (weak smile emotion)

Gosh twelvelegs wish you were my friend in RL

You'd be my first!!!

Actually you must be in Redcar, that's pretty close to hell isn't it???

o.k. so last night he was fine with me, complimented me when I came in.

Twice I had to tell him to stop shouting at the DC's and he was going over the top, his reaction was "well they've been like that all night" ...so they're kids, talk to them.

sports day is in a couple of weeks, I can't go to the morning because of a meeting in work (my area so I can't dip out) - I will miss lunch and make it back for the afternoon

asked DH if he was going ...no wasn't going to .... they'll have no-one there then in the morning ....can't you go in the morning and I'll do the afternoon ?

I'm now waiting to hear, however he has no such issue over going to play golf, I'm dropping the DC's off and leaving work earlier than I really should (only 10 mins but my boss is great) so that he can go

not really after advice just putting this down as the start of my diary !!

just me doing my "diary" again ...feel free to ignore

Wednesday was fine - mainly because I was out in the evening - didn't see him

Yesterday was o.k. - a raised eyebrow when I came home from a work function at 10.15pm (after being out since 8.45am) shattered - he asked me to make a cup of tea - hang on I'm just going to get changed I've been at work - raised eyebrow and a "that isn't work"

FFS why can't he understand even if you're eating a meal and drinking water it is work, you talk work !!

He's been out all day today, I got called home by school DC unwell - have text DH to tell him - he hasn't acknowledged the text

Has arranged to be off work so he can go to sports day

feeling pretty crappy and down, OM is completely out of the picture - getting used to it and I know that it's right - but now that that "feel good" factor is gone I'm realising just how miserable I feel, and how lonely I'm feeling