Should I have had sex with him by now?

[Blueneptune]

Escaped a brutal 25 year marriage from a cheating brute and after three years had what I thought was a loving year long relationship with a man who gave me the tender loving intimacy that I had longed for all my life. Except that I got an awful uti that landed me in hospital and which took six months to treat (which he was really cruel about). And except for the fact than he cheated on me with two women while I had the uti.

7 months later I met someone else who seemed to like me (he is 60 and so a bit older than me and has had one ten year relationship but never lived with anyone). He held my hand and seemed sweet intelligent and kind. We have been seeing each other for a little over two months but have not had penetrative sex. Last night he told me that I would be pushed to find a man who would put up with rhis and most women would have done it by now. I said that perhaps he should find someone else. It’s ended.

I feel I have to justify this to you all and so I will. In those two months, there has been sexual intimacy almost every time we have met (once a week). This began from the third date when I told him that I had had a brutal marriage and please would he be gentle with me. I also wanted to know his sexual history and so was v unhappy the next time (fourth date )when he wanted to have penetrative sex. I said no. I wasn’t aroused enough and nervous. In the last month I ended up fracturing a bone in my foot so am wearing one of those medical shoes and also was terrified I had got a uti from the sexual activity so had to have testing for this.

He was not happy with me yesterday because he wants proper sex and “most men” would do also by now he said. He said that I was giving out mixed messages. Is this true? I’m still wearing the medical shoe for my foot.

Just sad about this all. Are there really rules/ expectations for when you do it?

Horrific. I'm sorry.

Please get rid. You’ve made your feeling clear and it doesn’t matter whether you take 10 minutes or 10 years to be ready, he should respect it.

Imagine you are talking to a 16 year old girl in this position with her boyfriend, would you want her to be asking what is normal or if she should already be having sex, or would you be telling her that it is her body her choice.

Not a good man. Your gut is working great, fortunately, though. Well rid.

Oh dear, I fear you have found yourself yet another twat.

I can't possibly imagine why you don't feel turned on by this magnificent man, do yourself a big big favour and get rid of him and before you see anybody else heal yourself and know your worth

xx

he tried to put it in me when I was dry and not turned on. And this without asking me

There's a word for penetration without consent.

You’re exactly like most women. You want your body and physical & emotional boundaries to be respected. You want to feel safe, appreciated, loved. He’s treating you as just a shag.

Please don’t let this horrible man, who is old enough to know better, bring you down. He sounds pretty useless in bed, tbh. He’s giving off ‘rapey’ vibes, in trying to penetrate you without even asking.

Block him for good. Then start working on your self esteem. Once you start to like yourself, know your worth, you’ll find someone who is worthy of you.

He has had orgasms every time
I’m not turned on enough
there’s v little foreplay.

He sounds like a selfish lover. You are well rid of him.

He sounds horrible, definitely not a good man. You have been through a lot and you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.
Best off without this man

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Did you ever get help in terms of therapy when your abusive marriage ended?. Men like that will damage boundaries and yours have been further harmed by the these two men you’ve met since.

You need to be on your own now . I would suggest you have a conversation with Women’s Aid and from that enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme.

To be honest, I'd probably be looking to end the relationship if it'd been two months of sex but penetrative sex still wasn't on the table.

It's not that it's the be all and end all, but it is an important part of a sexual relationship for me, and I'd be assuming we weren't compatible if it hadn't happened by that point. Weirdly, I think I'd be less likely to end things if it was two months and there hadn't been any sex yet, than if it had been two months and done everything but penetration. It's the difference between, "We haven't tried it yet", and, "We've tried it, and it turns out we're just not compatible.

That said, the way he's been pressuring you is really not OK. He doesn't seem remotely interested in getting to a place where you want to have full sex with him. Reading between the lines, he doesn't seem remotely interested in your pleasure, and only in what he can get from you. You don't sound like you're particularly enjoying sex with him, and I wondering it you're really enjoying his company all that much?

I'd bin him if I were you. I really don't think he's got your best interests at heart.

Well most blokes (decent ones,) would be thrilled to be having the sexual intimacy you two are having, and give you the time, space and lack of pressure to feel ready. He really isn't worthy of you. I'm sorry he has been so horrible, especially as you have been so honest and open with him about such a personal, difficult topic. You deserve a man as lovely as you x

Yes. Though i think it would have happened if he hadn’t tried to do it not gently and when I wasn’t expecting it on the fourth date and we had not had a conversation about previous partners and condoms. Also I broke my foot three weeks ago which has meant that piv sex for the first time between us has been tricky for all sorts of reasons.

I thought that I was being honest on the third date when I said could he be gentle the first time of piv and now I think if he didn’t want to be, he should have said so.

i also thought that other physical/ sexual intimacy was a good enough substitute while we were getting to know each other especially as he doesn’t like condoms. I don’t really want to have full unprotected sex with someone I barely know. My former husband gave me an infection and that was terrible.

And we did get on well outside the bedroom and he did seem to enjoy the physical contact we did have and I probably would have if he had been gentle with piv the first time and I had got to know him a bit(including his sexual history).

but I think you’re right. We weren’t compatible as far as piv is concerned and there is an argument that delaying “proper” intercourse can reveal sexual compatibility issues.

I think you did the right thing dumping him. If you ever get the ‘most women’ comment again I would counter with “most men would want a woman to be aroused and enthusiastically consenting before attempting PIV.”

To be honest, I'd chalk this one up to being less of a compatibility issue and more that he's a walking pile of red flags, all of which were sending making you very much not want to have sex with him.

The "not liking condoms" alone would have me suggesting you bin him. Noone likes condoms. Condoms are crap. They're annoying, and kill the mood while you put it on, and then ruin the sensation. But if you want to have sex with someone you're not in a long term committed relationship with, you wear a condom, it's a non-negotiable. And anyone who whinges about that fact is a bit of a dickhead.

And there's his lack of "sexual prowess" as it were. You've given him orgasms every time, and yet all you can say about him is that there's not much foreplay, he's "vigorous", he's not gentle, and he hasn't turned you on. The kindest interpretation of that is he hasn't got a clue what he's doing, but I feel the more accurate one is more likely to be that he just doesn't care. Your pleasure isn't important to him, it's just a means to an end.

It has been a good 20 years since I had sex with anyone new. And I'm not going to claim to be anything more than averagely skilled at it. But when I was dating, it never took more than the third encounter before my partner wanted penetrative sex with me. And that was because by that point I'd proved that I was interested in making her feel good. That's what I meant by a lack of compatibility. If it had been two months of sex, and she still didn't want penetration, then I'd be assuming that we just didn't work together. If I couldn't make her want me in that way by that point, then we obviously just weren't suited for each other. I'd be ending things because we weren't compatible, not because she wasn't putting out.

This guy didn't want to prove to you that he had your interests at heart. He had no interest in showing you that you could trust him, or that he'd put your needs first. He just demanded what he wanted, and had an expectation that you'd provide it.

Thank you. I was thinking about the lessons I have learned after reading these responses. And the main one is maybe u can tell if u have sexual chemistry with someone without having sex. So for instance I really didn’t like the way he kissed (chewing at my lips). Everything was rushed and vigorous. I wanted to like it because he was nice/ sweet to me outside the bedroom. But my lips felt as if they were being attacked.

None of this is a problem with you, how you are, or how you have behaved. He is behaving like an entitled fuckwit , not listening to you, and not caring enough to make it good for you. To be honest from what you’ve said he sounds like a rubbish shag anyway so you’re better if out of it.

This is a massive red flag. He is not respecting your consent. Non-PIV sex is amazing, and you have the right to take things at your own pace. Dear God, you are blowing the man - he should be grinning like a fool and thanking his luck stars!

Absolutely dump him.

Stick up for yourself. Ask him how the hell he expects you to want sex talking like this? Then tell him to F off. Life is too short to be dealing with this type of behaviour

My partner was happy to wait until i felt ready. It's not normal to behave like this arsehole.
do yourself a favour and let him go . X

You have very, very reasonable reasons for wanting to take things slowly.

But even if you had no reasons at all. It would still be your choice, if and when and hiw to have any kind of sex.

I hope you can recover from yet another selfish man.

I am so sorry. You really do deserve better.

Nice man are willing to wait.

Please get rid of him, he's not a man. He's a bully and a predator, you deserve so much better. And please don't let anyone ever rush you in sex, you only do it when you want to.

You've had a lucky escape. He was trying to pressurise you into something you don't want to do. Number of weeks/months/dates doesn't matter. You're on different pages. There is no right nor wrong timescales. Only do what works for you and if your partner (ex-partner) doesn't like it then tough.

Indeed, nice men are willing to wait. It was 3 years before me and my (now) DH had sex - that's obviously unusual and extreme, but we were both virgins and I wasn't willing to give that up until I was 100% certain he was the right man for me.

By contrast, the boyfriend before him was pressurising me to have sex with him within a month of our first date, he knew I was a virgin and wanted to wait, but he just kept pestering me until I had to tell him to F Off!

Ugh. The way he spoke to you was disgusting. You're well rid.

There are reasons you were not ready and those reasons are at least partly to do with him.💐