Mil and christmas

[ThisDreamyExpert]

I am having a hard time with my mil. I come from a emotionally detached family, or just not as expressive and not as close knit. It has been an adjustment (married 11 years) now with 2 kids with my inlaws being more expressive, connected and closer. Mil moved closer and now lives in town. We see her often, but not too often that I feel suffocated. I have been diagnosed with OCD, for context.
2 years ago we had planned Christmas to see my sister for one evening, we see her only once a year, friends another evening and few other commitments like picking up my brother from the airport over the time that my sil was going to come and visit. She visits once a year and often wants to see our children.
i explained this on a group chat. My sil was going to come for 4 days. She then messaged, so we are only seeing you Christmas eve? My mil then phoned my husband in tears, that she feels upset that we are only seeing my sil one evening. My sil explained to me afterwards that she was sad, but did not express it at the time.
I became so upset about my mil expressing disappointment and am now questioning whether she actually would have wanted us to cancel our plans to see my sister to see his sister, if that is the case, I am possibly never going to get over it. She never said that, but feel like maybe she did want that. My husband just told her we are sticking to our plans but will see where we can find more time to see his sister. She accepted and that was the end of it.
i think i am worried about upcoming Christmases as a result. And I have deep resentment towards my mil for this.

I found it quite hard to work out who was going where and why were the plans from two years ago relevant ?
From what I can gather you will see SIL and I assume Brother one evening. And that is it for family.
You will see friends for a bit of time too. Mil has cried as clearly wanted to see something of you over the Xmas period. Is that impossible? Does she wonder if she will ever see anything of her son and family over Christmas ever again ?
You say you are going away. You can see them before or after ?

no I will see my own sister one evening as well. She also lives far and I also see her once a year.

Your multiple threads about your in-laws make you look rather unhinged tbh.

I suspect the OP’s OCD has a lot to do with it all.

Because your MiL is being a little bit of a twat and you’re ready to banish her to the outskirts of beyond.

You’re supposed to love your husband more than you hate his family. Unless you’re about to drip feed some huge back story about how abusive they’ve been to you over the years, then you just need to grow up. Your husband has told her that you won’t be changing your plans and she’s accepted it, so just roll your eyes, take a deep breath and stop allowing your need to be in the right, destroy your relationships with his family. You’ll still be seeing your sister and your brother, nothing is changing.

It’s easy enough to break up a family, with extended family members being genuinely awful and leaving people with no choice but to cut them off. You’re willing to do it for the silliest of reasons.

On previous posts the OP has said her MIL is lovely, and from her own description of things she does for them, it reads that the MIL is extremely generous and loving too. The OP however, wants her to sign a contract with an agreement of rules she wants to impose regarding her children, and I seem to recall done issue around sweets (I seem to remember the MIL gave her son & the OP some sweets for the children to have at a time of their choosing, wasn’t done in front of the kids etc, and still the OP wasn’t happy about this… but it sounds like the issue isn’t that she doesn’t want the kids to have the sweets, it’s around controlling what MIL can or cannot do.

Its more about not wanting her to override our decisions

You’ve overwhelmingly been told that you are being unreasonable on the other posts. You might want to reflect on that.

You have said you have OCD. I suspect this is a symptom of that. If you can’t get it under control you might find one day your husband has enough. You might find you no longer have in laws that are generous and happy to help. And you might find you have teenagers who resent the control you’ve kept them under, and the relationships they’ve missed out on.

I can’t recall if you said you are still in therapy or have had it in the past, but I urge you to explore these feelings with your therapist, you owe it to yourself as much as you do your family - this cannot be a fun way for you to live.

You need therapy op

I really don't think it's that bad, though tears are a bit guilt-trippy. I'm sure she didn't want you to cancel plans with your sister, just wasn't thinking about you trying to juggle everyone and everything else. Divide and conquer, you go get DB while your DH (and kids?) see MIL and SIL. Or invite them over for breakfast or lunch or something while your DB is also staying - can you see your sister more than one day as well?

Thank you, I am really struggling. Have thought of other ways out and on medication, but often get ‘flare-ups’ of uncontrollable, overwhelming thoughts that create havoc in my life. Therapy has not worked. Have been for years.