Mil and christmas

[ThisDreamyExpert]

I am having a hard time with my mil. I come from a emotionally detached family, or just not as expressive and not as close knit. It has been an adjustment (married 11 years) now with 2 kids with my inlaws being more expressive, connected and closer. Mil moved closer and now lives in town. We see her often, but not too often that I feel suffocated. I have been diagnosed with OCD, for context.
2 years ago we had planned Christmas to see my sister for one evening, we see her only once a year, friends another evening and few other commitments like picking up my brother from the airport over the time that my sil was going to come and visit. She visits once a year and often wants to see our children.
i explained this on a group chat. My sil was going to come for 4 days. She then messaged, so we are only seeing you Christmas eve? My mil then phoned my husband in tears, that she feels upset that we are only seeing my sil one evening. My sil explained to me afterwards that she was sad, but did not express it at the time.
I became so upset about my mil expressing disappointment and am now questioning whether she actually would have wanted us to cancel our plans to see my sister to see his sister, if that is the case, I am possibly never going to get over it. She never said that, but feel like maybe she did want that. My husband just told her we are sticking to our plans but will see where we can find more time to see his sister. She accepted and that was the end of it.
i think i am worried about upcoming Christmases as a result. And I have deep resentment towards my mil for this.

Also, we were going to pick up my brother up from the airport during the time of my sil visit too. I mentioned this too. He was staying at our house for thr duration of Christmas

Far too much drama over what should be a happy time of year! Stop getting all prickly and offended, and stop feeding the drama. Just accept that its a busy time of year, emotions are running high and everyone wants to see as much of each other as they can, and not everyone is going to get exactly what they want. Do your best, make the most of the time with your SIL, and carry on with your life; its really not worth endlessly analysing your MILs response and trying to read all kinds of judginess and commentary into it. Its just words. Dont engage and start an ongoing resentment. Cheerfully carry on.

This!

This appears to be a case of "flying monkeys". Your MIL Is wading into your SIL's life by ringing your Dh in tears on her behalf.

This is probably an ongoing thing and your Dh is blind to it. What he should have said was, SIL is a grown adult and she can ring me about the visit.

This is all about expectations and them not being met. Going forward, you need to stop being so prickly about your MIL. Look now at your own children. You will no doubt want to spend time with them when they are adults with them own wives/husbands and that is what your MIL is expressing. She wants to spend time with her son and by extension, you and the children. She also wants her son to spend time with his sister, again, they grew up together.

You also have expectations about spending time with your family and doing airport runs etc. You can all meet somewhere in the middle so that hopefully everyone gets some time together over Christmas.

Have a think about scheduling now, and have a discussion, like adults, with your MIL. She needs to be told she cannot have it all her way and your Dh should be backing you on this.

You declaring you might never get over your MIL potentially wanting you to see your SIL over your sister is a massive out of proportion overreaction. Of course she is being unreasonable but it is likely your SIL voiced her disappointment to her Mum about only seeing you for a short while. Talking really helps. Do it now before Christmas.

What are flying monkeys?

My mil has hijacked every christmas since i have been married to her son . 18 years now, second marraige for both of us. He refuses to stand uo to her , she's 90 now. The run up to every christmas is so stressful, my advice is to stick to your guns . At least your hubbie supports you

Is there any reason why you can’t pick your brother up on your own? Then your husband could spend a few hours with his mum and sister

Its about the principle for me.

also not feeling super giving towards MIL and wanting to compromise if her behaviour is like this.

Just give her a window that's convenient for you and dh. And stick to it.
I spent too many Christmas's chained to the cooker while bloody ils enjoyed my dc...

we are actually going away this Christmas just our family and no other family. Nothing has been said about it.

I dont my mil is this extreme.

What's the principle?

What a lot of drama. You say ‘you’d never get over it ‘ if mil asked you not to see your sister ?? Really ? Never ?

That we are being manipulated into doing what she wants us to do.

Yes she is being selfish and u reasonable

Honestly OP, you sound like hard work and like you're looking to make your own life and everyone elses difficult. Life is long. Try to compromise a bit and meet others halfway. If they completely trample and over run you and youre bitterly unhappy then by all means step back and reassess, but honestly, this sullen and combative attitude is not going to help you.

Why am I being the one that is hard work?

Anyone who sits trying to work up a head of steam and offense over something someone said two years ago sounds like a shitstirrer of the first order. Yes some MILs are unbearable - but you sound ready and willing for combat yourself. This is a lose-lose attitude to have. Im advising you to calm down, cool your jets and think of the long game. There are many ways to handle this - best of all is to just ignore and carry on without causing anuclear level fallout. But you seem extremely belligerent and determined to take offense and kick off. Have you really been stewing over this for two years??

It’s ok to have boundaries, it’s ok for the person on the end of those boundaries to be upset about it. Neither is an issue tbh. Christmas can be contentious as everyone wants to spend time together and it’s hard to accommodate everyone. I think you are overthinking mil reaction… although sil probably should not have mentioned it

This sounds like a huge overreaction to me.
Unless you're looking for cause to take umbrage?

How many posts about this are you going to do OP? Keep going until you get the answers you want it seems?

If I recall correctly, are you the poster who really dislikes her MIL and seems she can do no right - but when you tell us what she’s done, no-one is ever on your side?

You should consider therapy to work through your feels about your husbands family.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5547693-am-i-overthinking-my-mother-in-laws-disappointment-about-christmas-family-plans?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

Further context about OP’s relationship with her MIL. This is a poster a search on here is worth doing as soon as i read the opening I knew exactly who this poster was!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/pregnancy/5564858-mil-told-her-daughters-i-am-pregnant?utmcampaign=thread&utmmedium=appshare

And the contract she wanted her in laws to sign…

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/5390830-document-for-grandparents?utmcampaign=thread&utmmedium=appshare

I think you’re putting your DH in a difficult position for the sake of you wanting to get your way. It seems like your family are around all Christmas and you are pushing back because you MIL would like to see her DS and GC over the Christmas period. Maybe she was a bit ott ringing up in tears but I think your reaction is even more extreme. Why not pick up your brother and give you DH and DC some extra time with their granny and aunt. Personally I think you should pick your battles, this does t seem like a good hill to die on.