Am I overthinking my partner’s messages with a female colleague?

[EveryoneLeaveMeTheFuckAlone]

So I’m checking my partner’s work laptop (I know, but don’t). There have been some messages with a new-ish female colleague recently, nothing obviously untoward, but a couple of things are grating on me. The first message came from her when a senior colleague asked her to check something with DP. A few messages back and forth about work thing. He then tells her that they were both recently in the same place at the same time, with different clients and he thought it was weird (I’ve no idea why). He had been ‘waiting’ to tell her that but hadn’t had the ‘opportunity’ yet.
She was going on holiday in the summer and he messaged her to say he’s ‘disappointed I will miss you’ at the meeting, but enjoy your holiday etc. She mentions her ‘boys’ a couple of times and DP asks if ‘the boys’ includes her partner, like he didn’t know if she had one.
Am I reading too much into this?

Don't let sunk cost fallacy of the years of your relationship keep you from following your gut instinct on this. When a partner starts mentioning a person of the opposite sex it NEVER ends well.

Take some time to yourself and despite what others have said, again would strongly advise against saying anything. I wish you well on getting your ducks in a row.

They are both the same level, he’s not her boss. But I think he is making it so obvious he fancies her. He’s her number 1 cheerleader in the team chat!

If it was heart emojis and gifs all round in his team I wouldn’t be bothered, but he is very clearly interested in her more than anyone else. He reacts to everything she writes in Teams, I think it looks a bit desperate actually. However, she’s now responding in a similar way and I’m wondering what was said or if something happened when they’ve seen each other in person that has turned her head his way. I’m not a jealous person, I haven’t been the last five years but something is definitely off

He’s laying out a pathway to check if she’s single and find out if she’s interested in him.

My dear, I am so sorry for what you are going through. PLEASE tell him that you know before he does something he can never take back. If I knew about hubby chatting up the work whore, I maybe could have had the hard discussion. But I did not, and he fucked her in a parking lot. So please TALK NOW.

Does he also ask Dave from accounts the same sort of questions?? I doubt it.
He’s creeping. When men take action like this, asking leading questions, they’re pursuing something.

Trouble is, you can never trust him again. That's the bottom line. Stay or go. Trust is gone

I hope you’re ok @EveryoneLeaveMeTheFuckAlone

Listen to your instincts and act. Raise it with him sooner rather than later and watch his body language carefully - you know him better than anyone and you know whether he’s being truthful.

I had a similar situation that I posted about in September, except it was my DH’s reaction to a teams message popping up when I was talking to him that got me suspicious.

You have been told by most to deal with it but you are avoiding those responses. You cannot continue the way you are now.
Ruminating on here is not helping. Make a decision and act on it. Better to know what you are dealing with sooner rather than later.

Does he talk about her at home?

If he does you could say "oh is that your work crush" and just look at him

See what his reaction is

Christmas is coming up, with no doubt a party/social event just perfect for getting cosy.

You need to cut it dead now..

How cringe .. so everyone in the teams group can see his 😍 and gifs to her. Christ they’ll all be talking about him.

Exactly this. It’ll be an overnight stay I’ll bet. OP needs to nip this in the bud and get it out in the open before he makes fools of everybody including himself and risks the end of his partnership in his quest to have his Christmas cake and eat it, or just quietly dissolve the partnership because he absolutely sucks like a sherbet lemon.

You can spend all the time you like on MN getting advice from people with different experiences, who all react differently to the situation you are in. Some would find it a game changer, some would be able to move on from a flirtatious relationship that hadn’t developed into physical.
What few could do, is forgive infidelity. By not telling him now, you are sleepwalking into a situation where there is no return.

At the moment his work crush is hypothetical. It’s a fantasy. Fantasies don’t include unpleasant realities like his betrayal of you. The unhappiness it will bring to you both. The horrible practicalities of selling your home and both finding somewhere else to live…

its time to make him aware of the stark consequences looming if he doesn’t knock this on the head.

Personally i don't see how OP's relationship can survive this. If she has to get tough with him to make him tow the line the relationship is worthless anyway. It reduces him to the status of a naughty child who has to be told how to behave.
And if he continues to work with this woman there is practically zero chance that their relationship can revert to a purely professional basis now it has progressed to personal attraction.
Much better OP bites the bullet now and accepts hd has a wandering eye and cut her losses rather than set herself up for years of mistrust and unhappiness.

F

Yeah, don't avoid the hard possibility that something may well have already happened in person. Your intitution has done you well here.

It takes time to process these things. If you have any family or friends you can quietly confide in, definitely think about doing so. Ensure it is no one that will come into contact with your partner and that they will keep it to themselves.

She's had her head turned by him and they're probably enjoying the flirting
You do need to tackle this, it's disrespectful all round. Have a plan of what you'll say, he's bound to deny it and put it down to banter 🙄 and make you out to be a jealous, insecure woman. Sod that! Be clear in what you want him to do and what you're prepared to do.

Better early than late. In the past 3 years, there were red flags and I ignored. It gone too far and he couldn't get his heart back. We are now divorcing.

Keep calm, if it's early days. Focus on yourselves.