Am I overthinking my partner’s messages with a female colleague?

[EveryoneLeaveMeTheFuckAlone]

So I’m checking my partner’s work laptop (I know, but don’t). There have been some messages with a new-ish female colleague recently, nothing obviously untoward, but a couple of things are grating on me. The first message came from her when a senior colleague asked her to check something with DP. A few messages back and forth about work thing. He then tells her that they were both recently in the same place at the same time, with different clients and he thought it was weird (I’ve no idea why). He had been ‘waiting’ to tell her that but hadn’t had the ‘opportunity’ yet.
She was going on holiday in the summer and he messaged her to say he’s ‘disappointed I will miss you’ at the meeting, but enjoy your holiday etc. She mentions her ‘boys’ a couple of times and DP asks if ‘the boys’ includes her partner, like he didn’t know if she had one.
Am I reading too much into this?

Run

Yep, funny how these conversations never take place with 55 year old Phil from accounts.

Communication taking place outside work that is unnecessary is not a good thing. The communication is clearly an attempt to pry into the colleagues personal life.
When did the communication start?

Start getting your ducks in a row. I would strongly advise against saying anything at this point. Men act very very differently when they realise their whole life is about to be blown up.

Yeah the situation sounds like it's growing, i'd make sure he knows that you know and tell him if he wants her to go get her, he clearly isn't putting his energy into you at the moment so why give him the time of day.

He knows exactly what he is doing.
Don't let him know you've seen the work messages.
I would handle it by asking about work, then bring up 'oh how is your new collegue Claire getting on" or something ordinary ,and gage his reaction.
That will tell you all you need to know as to how far into this he actually is.
If he gives a short, evasive answer and changes the subject - push him on it.
If he starts mentionitis, let him talk.
You can then use that to tell him something is making you uncomfortable, and maybe outright ask him if he fancies her, if the convo ends up going there. Give him enough for him to know you have an uncomfortable feeling, but not enough for him to think its a huge problem. yet.
By doing this, he'll have no reason to think you've seen any messages and you can continue to monitor the situation, see if he backtracks with those hearts, or just carries on.
If he carries on, then, well, thats a whole next chapter and means he is in pretty deep. And knows it.

Basically give him enough rope to hang himself, himself, so you don't suddenly get left in the dark not being able to see any further messages and then ending up getting paranoid.

Hopefully though, that will be enough for him to realise, actually, this is pretty wrong, and nip it in the bud immediately.

You’re not overthinking. Don’t be a passenger in this. If you are inclined to stay in this relationship with this cringey man I would be blunt and tell him that you are aware he has crossed a line with a female colleague and that stops now or you’re done - and mean it.

I would just end it.

But I'm not willing to try to train a man to be loyal - either he's loyal and trustworthy because that is who he truly is, or he isn't.

If you have to try and 'encourage' a man not to cheat, it's already game over.

Tells you what he thinks of you OP. You deserve better. Don’t get saddled with this man child. I’d be preparing to get rid.

Her regular mentions of her family activity imply to me that she’s uninterested and is not “playing ball” with the flirting. There’ll be no affair. But that is not really the point. His behaviour is unacceptable.

I don’t think you should admit that you accessed his work laptop. That’s pretty serious.

Maybe tell him that you can sense he has a crush and you’re hoping he doesn’t make a tit of himself at work. Maybe it’ll blow over. It would be good if you could talk it over.

He’s also risking his career and possibly putting her in an uncomfortable position (as her boss).

Dear me. Do you still want this revolting manchild?

I find I am usually suspicious about men who live with women but don't marry them. I suspect many have one foot out the door.
He is definitely flirting and trying to find out if she is single. She doesn't seem to be interested in him but that's not the point the point is he is looking elsewhere

How’s everything been at home all normal relations? Is this out of character?

They only started talking maybe 3 months ago as she is quite new to the company. Things seem to be speeding up quite quickly the last couple of weeks though, in terms of frequency of messages. And I can’t pinpoint in messages why she has been more receptive to his attention, I’m guessing it was something that happened in person that has shifted from her point of view. They have a 50/50 home/office policy so I know his team see each other in person quite often

Are you married? or are you in a position where it would be easy to walk away?

Just wanted to say sorry you are going through this. Men can be so fucking predictable sometimes.

I would raise it. How he reacts will tell you everything. He should understand the impact it is having on you and put you first.

If he doesn't....

This is so out of character for him. That is why I’m dithering about what to do I think. I really don’t want five fantastic years to end over this but I know I can’t control what he has done or what he chooses to do

No, not married and no children but we do jointly own our home. I know I just need to find the courage. I never thought I would be the sort of woman to find it this hard to leave.

As others have said deal with it now. He is already testing the boundaries with her. Sit him down and tell him you feel something has changed in your relationship and ask him if he feels it has. Watch his reaction carefully. If he gets defensive or shows any signs of being uncomfortable then say straight out ' your' reaction tells me I may not be wrong.
Stay calm, ask to see his phone, work laptop without giving him an opportunity to hide anything. Tell him you are prepared to show him yours. If he refuses then tell him that is a strong indicator that your gut is not wrong. Tell him you are disappointed you thought you had a strong, open and honest relationship but clearly that is not the case. Transparency is key.
You have the info, you don't have to tell him what you know and it's up to him now. Don't be prepared to be played or gaslit by him. Good luck.

Tbh I dont care after you said you are checking his laptop. At this point you should leave, eaither he has given you good reason to not trust him and you deserve better, or he hasnt... and he deserves better

The thought/fear of leaving is always a lot worse than the actual leaving bit, i went through it with my ex and although i’m not going to lie and say it was easy it certainly was worth it especially for my mental health, now i’m married and in a similar position where i need to leave but this time i have 2 kids that i love to bits and a wife that needs me both financially and due to health issues and although she has friend zoned me i still somehow feel guilty about wanting to leave.

I’m a bit stuck for now but i hope that you are able to move on and find happiness again, not all men are cheating scumbags.

Just end it!
He sounds as thirsty as hell, and you're breaching his/his company's trust qyite spectacularly.
You deserve better than a man whose behaviour encourages you to have so little regard for him and his employment.

He's so careless as well, leaving his work laptop open, knowing you're checking. Careless with his employment and careless with your feelings. Who needs that?

thank you. I hope things work out for you too

What has he actually done though? Where I work it's common to "heart" teams messages and it's normal to ask about people's families/ weekends, especially when they are new. To a jealous partner this could look dodgy but it's not, at all. If her messaging style has changed she's probably just trying to fit in? If my partner secretly went on my work laptop I'd be very unimpressed, probably more so than my personal phone, as it could affect my job.

He doesn’t know I’m checking as I haven’t said anything yet