How do I manage bills fairly with a financially careless husband?

[the7Vabo]

Together for 16 years. Two young primary school kids. Just breached my own standards by screaming at DH in front of kids. Feel bad but mainly utterly exhausted.

Im higher earner. I earn about 30% more than DH for 4 days. He works 5.

He is useless with money. He doesn’t know how much any of our bills are. He transfers me a certain amount each month. All our direct debits come from my account.

We have had several conversations over the years. He can often be dismissive with a “money is worthless” comment without really engaging with what I’m saying. I recently had both of us go through our income & outgoings, and it turns out his personal spends are much higher than I expected, and much higher than mine. He said he would do better etc but nothing changed other than I told him go up the amount he was transferring me which still isn’t 50% of our bills.

I need to do a big exercise where I do an education piece - set up a joint account and show him exactly how much is going in & out. But I’m utterly exhausted. I am the only one who plans anything when it comes to money.

Things came to a head tonight because DD wouldn’t brush her teeth. I got really stressed because I recently had to pay a huge amount to get her crowns. I told him how much the bill was. He never even asked how I came up with the money. He got really angry at me tonight for not letting DD skip brushing her teeth starting audibly saying it within earshot & I lost it. I asked him if he was going go come up with the money for more dental work and if he’d even noticed that he never asked me where I got that much money.

That’s just one example. I feel like his parent when it comes to money. Like he’s living at home and paying his mother rent money but completely switching off after that.

He never makes a plan. I’ve paid for holidays and he doesn’t acknowledge it.

He gets a company car with his job which costs him in BIK. I drive a banger and hardly spend anything on myself because I want to prioritise the kids’ futures.

He hasn’t gotten a pay rise ever in his job which he does work very hard at to be fair. He’ll moan but has never tried to get a better paid job.

He also works in credit - he approves loans. That to me is the biggest joke because he looks at other people’s spending all day and he doesn’t even know how much his own mortgage is.

Any advice welcome but please don’t tell me
go pool finances, there is absolutely no way I’d do that with him.

I have also accepted that he is never going to do anything at all proactively about money so I need to implement any changes.

I need advice on how go run a joint account - rainy day savings etc. in a joint manner. And how to move past someone being so bloody child like about money.

It seems to me that two things need to happen to fix this (and probably save your marriage).

1. He needs to accept restrictions on his spending. Personally I don't see how that can be achieved without pooling both salaries into one account. If your DH can't be trusted with that then your relationship is in real trouble (I say this as the spender in my marriage).

1. You both need to get over this "money decisions need to be split in ratio to our earnings" perspective. However you arrange it practically, the only fair way IMO is to organise for each person to have an equal amount of free spending money with everything else going into family funds, either to pay bills, support the children or save for a shared future.

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I hear you OP. I'm in a similar position. I don’t know what the answer is but having a joint account for bills, food shopping, school/kids stuff, and holidays has helped me a bit. I still have my own account and savings.

Tough one.
Can you delegate DH to take the kids for their six monthly dental check and pay for any work needed? Also he would be in charge of dental health - brushing, flossing, no sweets, no dried fruit, etc.
DH would then not splurge on sugary foods, soft drinks, would brush kid's teeth and pay for crowns, check ups etc.

Sit down and work out a budget.
Example:
Look at last year's spending. Add 5 %.
Work out an approx budget each month.
Pay 60/40%.
DH pays for dental.
You each get the same flexi spend per month and the same savings. The rest goes in the pot for joint savings.

Some reaponses are too harsh...I don't think there are enough details in your post to suggest divorce but you clearly are not happy with the situation and need to sit down and discuss so he can make improvements. You say he spends more than you but you don't say how much he spends or of it is an unreasonable amount. He may spend more than you but not spend too much if you hardly buy anything for yourself.

For example, I am sure I sometimes spend more than my husband and he earns nearly double me, but I don't spend a lot at all. I save a few hundred every month and still got spare money in my current acount at the end of the month, so why do I have to spend less than him?

I’m not pooling salaries into a joint account. And not just because I don’t trust his spending, it’s because I’m damn sick of him taking my money for granted. I think him seeing our salaries pooled would just increase that.

I’m currently reading a Martin Lewis article “Opposites attract but they shouldn’t have a joint bank account.”

My parents had joint everything. My Mum says my Dad made the money and she spent it. But she spent it on the family, she raised us, she kept a house in order, my dad has ironed shirts and hai dinner waiting when he came home. She also had respect for money, she got up early to bake bread when the electricity was cheaper, she bought things on special offer. And he did manage bigger stuff like pension etc. They prioritised saving for our education. That’s a partnership. And she also went back to part time work.

He’s acting like a child. That is deeply, deeply unattractive. His attitude to money is hurting your whole relationship.

Practically, yes, make sure he pays his fair share.

Get prepared for divorce. You do not want to be saddled with a careless spendthrift manchild forever. Think about how you can protect your financial future and your children’s. This could mean locking money away in their names so he can’t touch it.

You don't have to divorce him now but wise up. It’s unlikely that he will change.

@HopAroundLikeKangaroos did you actually read the OP? How on God's earth would it be a good idea to pool finances with someone so utterly idiotic?

DH sounds ignorant.
Educate him on family finances and on how much future education costs.

I suggest part of your planning needs to include retirement planning.

It sounds like the relationship is good now, or good enough to stay together. If either you or he want to divorce further down the line, your financial situation for retirement could be severely compromised. The home that you will have primarily paid for and the pension pot you built up will be halved.

I know lots of couples where the person in a marriage who spent cautiously, worked in demanding roles and prepared for lifelong financial stability in retirement ended up without the stability they anticipated while the spendthrift spouse ended up financially boosted in retirement after a lifetime of enjoying a lifestyle beyond their means.

I am not sure how it would work to factor this in. It might be worth seeking legal or financial planning advice.

What is he spending on? I’m not financially incompetent - I arrange most of our finances but I spend way more than DH because he doesn’t have the same kind of lifestyle as me. I love to go out for coffees and have drinks with friends. I’m sometimes buy lunch out if I’m at work. He never wants to go out and has the same cheese sandwich every day for lunch at work. I also buy birthday cards and gifts - yes for joint friends but he wouldn’t bother. I cook more elaborate meals and make cakes and biscuits (trying to list just the things which could be seen as non essential) which we share with friends. He would go to friends and take 2 cans of beer or host and give them a packet of crisps. I don’t buy lots of clothes but he will literally wear the same 2 items until they wear out (I do actually think he’s autistic but he also grew up with little money and struggles with spending). We can afford these things technically although obviously we would save more if I didn’t spend it. So my spending is massively higher because the life I live is different but I don’t think my lifestyle is unreasonable. Is some of that true for your DH?

I would start by forensically reviewing all his spending for the last few years to see what he is spending money on etc

then I would devise a way that you both have equal spending money and work backward from there

dont pool money as it will end badly but I would pool ensure the savings for kids / bills are split evenly

No I don't necessarily save more just differently so he does lots of smaller set pots and investment savings. I don't like stocks and shares and tend to move 1 lump sum each month to 1 pot. I have a set amount which is non-touchable - 6 months worth of salary in case of illness or redundancy. The rest is used for variety of things from big house costs to a big occasional treat but still always increasing. We pay for big expenses car, house repairs on a 50/50 basis.

Our children have stocks and shares accounts and then a smaller account of savings for things like big school trip in Secondary for instance.

Spending - DH used to just buy bigger items on a whim claim they were for the benefit of family/house then not use them or they would sit in the box for months and ask for half the money from me. I used to pay for all of Christmas for the kids and it did lead to some resentment stewing so we addressed it. No big family/house purchases without discussion and Christmas is done together within the set budget from the designated savings account.

I would say horse riding is a very expensive sport long term and is more of a life commitment so do think of the long term.
Definitely keep his golf as this is clearly his outlet but again he has to keep other spending in check.

You will be surprised how even small set amounts to a children's account can increase over time and you can definitely factor this in to a budget sheet.

Would also say its not a 1 and done thing. We re-examine costs every 3-4 months to make sure it's still in check. All kids activities come out of joint account too.

My DH initially was a bit reluctant/huffy at first as he interpreted me wanting to do it as criticism until I showed him the disparity via a spreadsheet (I was paying all childrens extra costs lioe clubs, clothes etc as I just fell into it when setting things up). Ultimately we now have harmony he still buys way too much crap on amazon but I don't care as all other expenses and savings are sorted so up to him.

We have a Monzo account for the bills, it shows all the predicted payments for the month and you can have ‘pots’ set up for other things like Christmas, holidays, car insurance that you need to put aside monthly.

If you opened one of these purely to add the bill money and joint spends to, could you trust him not to dip into it? But this would show him all the bits, he would get a notification each time one went out etc.

FWIW my husband earns tripple what I do and we split things in a fair way meaning we are both independent financially but the load is shared fairly.

I divorced mine - I was better off as a single parent.

he worked about .7 so was meant to sort house etc (both kids at school by later years) he didn’t and he spent more than he brought in - used to use the joint for stuff for him so I was constantly topping it up.

im far better off now - my salary went up and work and I have savings, we have some nice holidays every few years. I am also hoping to be able to retire early 60’s.

the only painful point was I bought him out the house and he blew the money in a couple of years despite having minimal living costs as living with parents. I’m obviously still paying that off in the mortgage…..

If you are so resentful that you will hold him not studying as hard as you in the past against him, this is going nowhere.

He is clearly not ambitious, not willing to sacrifice his time and energy to improve his / your / family life - and you absolutely are. He’s happy for you to do the hard work, and for him to ride your coattails. Do you have any reason to believe that this will change? It’s a fairly fundamental incompatibility. Have you ever been a team? You sound like two very different people with different values and priorities, which is fine when it’s just the two of you. But family life demands you to compromise and work out how to jointly move in the same direction.

so with DH and I, we’ve both done things differently over the years in terms of studying / working / etc. I was a SAHM for 20 years and he was the only earner. Now I am working ft and he has gone pt for health reasons. Through it all we are a team. We don’t agree on everything but we work it out, we compromise. We don’t hold grudges. Neither of us gets everything they want - but we are both willing to sacrifice four our family.

I’m in the same situation, so he set up a direct debit which covers half of everything. There’s a bit extra added on to cover unexpected bills. He’s rubbish with money whether he has a lot or a little & I realised he always will be. We don’t have a joint account. This works for us x

Golf, the pub and eating out at work and the odd takeaway.

Do these look life a really extravagant lifestyle no, but they are because he can’t afford them!

Our bills are high mainly mortgage and childcare. Our income is ok. Like most people we haven’t gotten pay rises to cover the cost of living.

In this case it seems to be a will issue rather than a skill issue. He clearly know the theory behind budgeting as he uses it every day for his work. Has he always been a spender or is this something that's become apparent since having children?

I'm not sure I would go the effort of compiling spreadsheets, as he's perfectly capable of doing this himself. The issue seems to be he thinks he's entitled to spend as he likes, even if it takes money away from the bills pot and means you and your kids go without having money to pursue your hobbies. At this point it becomes beyond being about money; he views himself and his wants as being above everyone else in his family. Not caring how his kid's dental work gets paid for is pretty damning to his character.

Money quite clearly isn't worthless as I know you well realise. Aside from the obvious needing it to keep a roof over your heads, if he did decide to fecklessly get himself into a large amount of debt he would lose his job. I would ask him what is plan in that scenario is, especially if your bank balance isn't there to bail him out.

I’m not holding a grudge because he didn’t study years ago. Neither did lots of people. I’m pointing out that I worked for the job I have because I feel on MN higher earners are often taken for granted.

That’s just snobbery though. I work public sector my husband works private sector, he earns more. I’ve got a better degree and further qualifications and a promotion within my profession. I have job security though and he has been made redundant twice. I will also retire younger on a good pension.

If you think your husband is bone idle, fine, you know him and your circumstances best but don’t fall into the snobbery trap of thinking higher earner equals harder worker.

I get it OP, I love my DH intensely but he is a coaster and extremely laid back and is happy being so (he admits these fact about himself). I'm the opposite extremely driven and work too hard (my work ethic is always raised in appraisal reviews).

DH does remind me that my approach is less of the norm and we do balance each other out.
Crucially our relationship works because we recognise these facts and actively try to find the middle ground. I also found him taking some of the mental load helped massively so he has the childcare account for instance, Christmas and birthdays are now done jointly etc helped massively with how I felt.

Was this post meant to be helpful?!

Im well aware that life isn’t black & white eg what nurses get paid. I don’t need a lecture from you on my supposed “snobbery”.

Higher earner in the private sector industry we both work in means more senior job.

It’s easy to run on a joint fashion without pooling finances. Create a spreadsheet of all costs. Allocate a share of costs to each person prorata based on income. Make sure your DH is aware of and contributes to the spreadsheet. Open a joint account and move all bills to the joint account then each transfer the monthly contribution as per the s/s.

both keep your salaries going into personal accounts with personal choices about savings and spending but run a shared joint account and s/s.

If he's going to have the financial proclivity of a child, treat him as such.

He has a card with little money on it. I've seen it done before. £100 on a card for him to get fuel and coffees but everything else goes through you.

My BiL did it with his wife who had got them into debt. He openly said it was financial abuse but so was getting him into debt. She could always leave if she was unhappy, as could your DH