Controlling him or stubborn me?

[sandwoman]

I have been with my partner for around 2 years. I have 2 children to previous relationship aged 10 and 12.

I was a single parent for a long time before getting with DP so I'm not sure if it's just me being set in my ways or signs of controlling behaviour from him.

The first thing was that I was due to enter a martial arts competition a year or so after we met. He was really against it saying I might get hurt, it was stupid of me to enter and he didn't want me doing it. I told him I had been involved in martial arts for a long time before I knew him and was confident enough to enter and know I wouldnt get too hurt, if at all. I apreciated his opinion but it would have no bearing on the situation, I would be entering. He could choose to either come and support me or stay completely uninvolved in my hobby...I was happy either way. He said I was stubborn and acting unfairly but decided to come to support me anyway.

The second one involved me buying a car, I always wanted a new primera. He didn't like them and tried his hardest to put me off saying they're ugly, hard to drive, badly made...I said I wanted one and would be buying one whether he liked it or not, my money, my choice. He said I needed to learn to compromise but why?? I work for my money, surely I should be able to buy what I want when I want? I wasn't expecting him to drive it.

Now the third one has caused a huge rift between everyone involved. I told him I fancied taking the kids to New York for a week, would he like to come too. He said "Yes, but not yet". I said "when then?" and he said "dunno, not really thought about it" So I told him I was looking to book by the end of the month, did he want to come with us or not... he said he wasn't sure if he could afford it.

Anyway to cut a long story short, he then went out and bought a playstation 3 with a load of games for £400...from that I assumed he had the money all of a sudden ( ) so asked him again, "do you want to go or not? I'm ready to book..." so he said "don't know yet" so I booked for me and the kids and we are due to fly in October. He was furious, said I was selfish, said it was a stupid, dangerous thing to do and he would "not let me go" I reminded him that I was not asking for his permision and WOULD be going. He then went around my family telling them what I'd done and turned them against me, my mum said I was stupid going to NY alone and that "anything could happen" and one family member even said I was putting the kids lives at risk "just to prove a point".

I'm sick to death of the whole thing, surely if I want to go somewhere I should just go? since when do you need permision just because you're in a relationship?

Or have I been single so long that I can't see I'm being overly stubborn and selfish??

He is controlling.

Controlling.

Based on what you've said he sounds unreasonable, although I suppose he could just be genuinely scared of all these things. He might also be feeling as though you don't need him, I guess.

Do you live together?

How many children do you have living with you? Sounds like you have one big baby - sorry but what a madam he thinks he is

Thank god for that. I was starting to think it was me. My family are quite old fashioned and more or less believe a man is the head of the house and should have the final say...and that a woman shouldn't go anywhere on her own etc.

Needless to say, I'm not into all that crap lol

He is being controlling. The martial arts thing he should butt out of, it's your thing and you did it when he met you. Buying a car - if you can afford a car, why should he object so strongly to the type of car? And the holiday - how dare he say he won't 'let' you go? He didn't say it was a bad idea when you suggested it, only now that you have booked it without his say so. It's not dangerous, FFS people raise children in NY, t's hardly Kabul.

I have 2 children, both boys aged 10 and 12 so its not like I'm going to be run off my feet trying to control two toddlers either. They're both sensible lads and do as they're told, we used to go everywhere together when I was a single parent and nothing has ever happened. Ok not as far as NY but still...

Yes, bellavitas right. It sounds like he doesn't like the fact that you are capable of doing things/making decisions on your own. Thousands of people holiday in NY why would anyone think you were 'putting your childrens lives at risk'?. You are obviously standing up to him, but I can't see him changing. Enjoy your holiday .

To be honest sandwoman, he is feeling very threatened by you as you show up all his insecurities. FFS your a woman, you shouldn't be fighting in compertitions or flying to NY on your own.

What do you do about someone like this? Do you continue to have a relationship with him that could sufferkate you and make you stay home and cook dinner? Or do you get on with your life and end up leaving hm behind.

i know what I would do - get on with my life and probably leave him trailing behind and it would faid away...

controlling. surely you are allowed to pick your own car, go on holiday and have whatever hobby you like. a lot of men would be proud to be with a woman who could look after herself and by rallying your family he is bullying you.

He's being controlling. And it sounds like he's not the only one who's trying to control you to be honest.

Since when has taking your children away on a trip been putting their lives at risk? I assume that you can handle both your children on your own in NY.

You shouldn't need anyone's permission to take your children away. I'm sure they'll love it and if it was me I'd go anyway - he had the chance to come with you.

As for your relationship with him... I would tread carefully in regards to his controlling behaviour esp turning your family against you as they're your family not his... think carefully about where you want this relationship to go.

Good luck.

Sandwoman - NO No No its not you

Good for you with all your get up and go, your boys will love the holiday, love the special time with their mum and be so proud when they look back at all you did together.

You will be so busy all week and have such a fab time

Will you take b/f a present home though??

Does your Mum know about the other incidents and his behaviour over those?

sandwoman, I took ds to NYC two years ago, just the two of us. He was nearly 5 and loved it. Loads to do. Everyone was fab with him and he was hailing cabs like a pro after 24 hrs! New Yorkers so much more friendly towards children than Londoners which is where I live. More chance of ds being harmed in London IMO. I have a fab book on NY for children you can borrow if you like. We single parents have to stick together! And yes, he is being controlling. Do you live together? I have been single parent for 2 years, am planning to move in with dp at Christmas and do worry about this, not him specifically, but am too used to doing things on my terms!

Hi Sandwoman

You seem both quite a sensible and capable woman so I have to ask why you are with an immature manchild?. Presumably you are now asking yourself this self same question having seen all this unfold.

It is said that the first 12 months of a relationship are the happiest. I think he is also a controlling person who has actually brought you nothing but misery. He is also not a good role model for your children to look up to.

As for NY well of course you should take the children there!!. He's acting like a complete twat.

I would agree with AuntieMaggie in that another side of his controlling behaviour is now being made apparant by him getting your family to side against you. This is turn makes you more isolated and thus more "reliant" on him. Would suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft - excerpts of this are online too. Controlling men are often angry men too - you need to be careful.

The manchild's an idiot honestly!. I call him manchild as well because he seems emotionally insecure, jealous and immature.

As for giving him the boot, this is certainly an option open to you. Controlling people rarely if ever change and this man can't even see what he's doing. Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied.

BTW did you buy the Primera?.

"anything could happen"

yeah! you might actually have fun without him!!

I'd now seriously consider whether this relaitonship has a future or not. From what you write, its not looking good at all.

Drop the dillon.

He's controlling.

Tell him Escape From New York is fiction, not a documentary, the knob.

It is really great that you have an independant spirit. You are giving him options. Cant see what his problem is really.

Thanks for the replies. He does have his good points but I think inititally he was under the impression that he was doing me a favour, rescuing me from a life of single parent hood and poverty when in reality, I never minded being a single parent and the money was never an issue. We're certainly not loaded but I'm good with budgeting and we get by fine. I think you're right when you say it bothers him that I don't need him.

I didn't get the primera in the end, I wanted to, mainly out of spite to prove to him that he wouldn't control me but it turned out to be out of my price range so I got a focus instead.

Marthamuffin, nice to hear about your trip! sounds brilliant. And I agree that we're more likely to be hurt in London than NY. I took them to London last year and I didn't feel safe at all, constantly watching over my shoulder and squeezing the blood from the boys' hands lol

Mmmm, I'm not sure he's controlling in general, then -- i.e. he's probably not the type who starts wanting to decide who your friends are, or how much makeup you should wear, or anything like that. It sounds as though he wants a relationship with a traditional male/female division of responsibilities where he worries about money and cars and being protective and other "Man Stuff", while you worry about being nurturing and creative and maternal and doing "Woman Stuff".

Which isn't necessarily bad, as such -- there are (some) women who don't want to worry about finance or cars or fixing things and would rather like a Big Strong Man, and they would get along swimmingly without "control" issues coming up. But you aren't like that, and you've been running your own life for long enough that the very idea that you should hand those areas over to him is ridiculous. I think that's what he and your family (who have the same ideas about division of responsibilities) can't see.

Can you fix him and turn him into a New Man? Perhaps, but I suspect not. And the right woman for him is probably out there, too, so you might be doing him a favour if you cut him loose.

Definitely controlling. Agree with those who said/implied he can't cope with the fact you are capable of doing what you want/making your own decisions. They are just as valid as any he may have.