About 3-4 years ago I was in a relationship with a guy and it was the safest I’d ever felt in a relationship.
I’d moved to a new city and met him before I’d made any real friends. We hit it off, conversation was easy and I felt truly loved. We never ran out of things to talk about and he did so many thoughtful little things for me and it was easy for me to love him. It was rare. It began to feel a bit co dependent though because he mainly wanted to hang out with me over hanging with his friends/ support his own social life and I struggled to make friends in this new city. Our isolation I think prevented any conflict to happen. We lived in a bubble while I continued to go on cool trips for work/ try new hobbies in our city. I felt sad because he didn’t have a desire to travel and learn like me and I felt like I was growing while he did the same thing everyday and didn’t join me for hobbies. I then began wondering should I fear that there’s something wrong with me for being concerned about this..how could I feel safe and yet alone and partially unknown?
. So while I felt loved I also felt alone in growth and regularly told me to stop working so hard/ I was the “sugar momma”. He got anxious every time I fell asleep or was in the middle of something and a few hrs would pass between texts (like 5hrs during work or during a migraine) and I’d wake up to a stream of calls or texts. I wanted him to feel fully loved and safe but I began to get stressed that if I didn’t text him in a certain amount of time he’d think I didn’t care or was boxing him out. He began to not initiate Intimacy and I didn’t know why..even if I tried but I know it’s my failure for not asking.
Then He the got a dui (his second) while I was away. I found it very upsetting and reckless. His license was revoked for months and he couldn’t leave the state. I’m upset with myself that internally, I struggled to trust that he didn’t have an issue. He also lost his job 2x in a 2yr period and would slump into these periods of sadness (now him and I both know that was depression). He’d call his mom regularly for adult issues instead of me and something about that felt odd.
In the end, I got a once in a lifetime job opportunity that would move me 3.5 hrs away for a short period (probably could consider moving back within the yr). I wanted to be supported in this as I thought it was exciting and would help us greatly in the future but instead he got more anxious about periods between texts, who I was talking to and my intentions in our relationship. I was trying my very best to make him feel loved and I began to feel overwhelmed by the stress of the job and seemingly failing to show how much I loved my partner. I hated myself for taking the job (it ended up being so important for my career though)I tried to discuss the next few months/ anxiety and how to come back together with him and he’d shut it down and say he was tired of talking about it. I felt alone. He started looking for a home to buy in our og state without asking me what I thought and it seemed like an odd time to do that. He also couldn’t come visit due to the dui restriction so it was all up to me. I broke off our relationship because It all felt intense and lonely. I hated myself for that decision immediately because I loved him very much and he was the only mad I felt safe with. I continue to grieve this and I wonder..is there something wrong with me? I ruined something that should have lasted forever..he was my best love and know I will never find something again. I feel so incapable. On my end I see a lack of solid communication and inability to know how to navigate through these challenges that in the end are minuscule
Fast forward:
A big reason I'm questioning myself so much is that a few months ago, years after our original breakup, I reached out to him hoping we might reconnect.
We lived in different states, so I wanted to take things slowly and rebuild a foundation before becoming official. For about six months, I genuinely thought things were developing well. I felt comfortable, connected, and thought our communication was good.
Then one day he called me unexpectedly and listed several things l'd done over the previous couple of months that had hurt him. I was shocked because I had no idea he'd been upset or accumulating resentment. By the time he told me, he was already considering ending things rather than giving us much opportunity to address them as they happened.
The examples felt like relatively small miscommunications to me. Once he asked to call about logistics, and I missed the request for a call and instead texted him all the information. Another time I said I'd had a
"meh" workday without explaining further; he interpreted that as me boxing him out, whereas I would have happily told him more if he'd asked. And once I received 24 hours' notice for a work trip to New York and sent him a picture when I landed. He was hurt that I hadn't told him beforehand because he^ out of the loop. He called these actions
immature and refused to get on FaceTime. I started sobbing be of the character judgment and confusion. He retracted the ending and spent the next two days convincing me he wanted me.and I needed space for a sec to calm down. Atter that he ended it for real. So psychologically painful.
We weren't officially dating and were long-distance, so I didn't realize these things carried that much significance for him. Had he told me at the time, I would have understood and adjusted.
That experience is a huge part of why I'm now questioning my judgment about our original relationship. I've always thought I was reasonably socially aware and thoughtful, but this made me wonder whether things I perceive as minor are actually major relationship failures that I'm somehow not recognizing. I think that's where a lot of my current regret and fear that I was the problem is coming from.
TLDR: l lost the love of my life due to my own flaws, lack of perspective at the time..I can’t move on and torture myself daily over it. Any help is appreciated