Should I end our engagement over his refusal to manage his health?

[Omron]

Engaged for 6 months, been together over 2 years. Don't know if I'm getting the ick or being picky or what it is. I've known how he was about his health pretty much from around 6 months into dating him, I hoped he would take a different stance, but it's driving me up the pole now.

This will be the second time around for both of us. Both divorced. We are in our early fifties. I am in fairly good shape, very sporty, decent diet with the occasional night of a few drinks and a takeaway, but mainly lots of healthy food and have cut right back on sugar earlier this year. Well woman check last year showed everything to be good, the only medication I am on is HRT, otherwise I would be homicidal. Don't quote me on that 😂

Fiance has high cholesterol and is borderline diabetic. It keeps pushing over into type 2 numbers but then goes back down, The GP is checking it once a year, which I personally don't feel is enough. He has been on a statin for nearly 18 months and it got his number right now from 6.5 to somewhere in the just under 4 region, which is brilliant. Howwwwwwever, a few things are happening.. still happening.... and he is so stubborn about taking advice and taking care of himself that I am on the brink of ending the engagement.

His sugar and fat consumption are ridiculous. They have been for many years since before we met, so it's nothing to do with me or my behaviours. Despite knowing he has high cholesterol and is on the statin, it's almost as if taking the statin leaves him free to just consume as much saturated fat still as he wants. He fries chips in beef dripping, which he hasn't changed in over 2 years, he refuses to drink semi-skimmed milk, eats entire packets of salami for lunch, washed down with a pint of full fat milk, pours all the fat from meat onto his plate, even if he has grilled bacon, he pours the fat onto his bread. This is why his cholesterol was 6.5. I've tried to explain to him that the statin is getting the number down, but ideally he should do it himself. My Uncle had the same issue and we helped him change his diet and he didn't need a statin in the end.

He refuses to change and makes vomiting sounds and pulls a face when I put skimmed milk into my tea.... which leads me onto..... his sugar consumption. When I met him, he was putting 4 heaped spoons of sugar into his tea, which he makes super strong in quite a small mug, no teapot in sight... and of course puts full fat milk into it. He drinks over 10 to 15 cups a day like this, sometimes coffee, which he puts lots of sugar into as well. If a packet of biscuits are in his house, he will eat them all. Same thing for a cake meant to feed a family.. think the Asda boxed cakes. He has a compulsion to finish them.

I know a fair bit about diabetes as I lost a good friend to complications of the disease, and I hate to go on about it, but I suppose I'm trying to make him realise that yes, he could lose a leg, his eyesight, his kidneys could pack up. Right now his kidney function is OK, but if he keeps on keeping on, it won't be. His blood sugar is 47, which I believe is right at the top end of the borderline range. He has cut back the sugar in his tea, but is still consuming half a jar of jam per day on bread, smeared with thick butter. Yesterday he finished a large jar of jam that he only bought 2 days ago.

His attitude is that there is a pill for it and if he does get diabetes, he will be OK if he just takes it. I've tried to explain what can happen on that pill, and that your pancreas can eventually give up and you end up on insulin for the rest of your life.... or worse. He says he will do something about it if it gets worse, but this is already the 11th hour in my mind, or for anyone with an ounce of common sense about their health.

The latest development is he has jaundice in his eyes, which I noticed a few days ago. He noticed it too. He also has blurred vision. Of course it can mean many things. But the statin could be damaging his liver, it could be a bile issue, something else. But jaundice should never be ignored. I've urged him to see a GP. He hasn't made an appointment. He also has extreme fatigue that seems to be getting worse and worse. I almost drove him to A&E yesterday as I was so worried.

I'm sure I don't even need to mention the ED that happens due to diabetes, but he doesn't even seem bothered about getting the number down for that. I thought that might sway him, a reason to change, but it hasn't.

Today I have decided to back off. I woke up and felt so angry that he doesn't care enough about our shared future to take care of himself better. I'm starting to feel like his mother and not his partner and that's not what a relationship is about.

Don’t marry him. Stay friends with him maybe but you sound totally incompatible as partners/cohabitors.

Diana Athill writes well about continuing to live with and care for her partner with poorly managed diabetes long after the sexual relationship was over - to the point where his next partner moved in too and they cared for him together. He apparently was a wonderful man, but her beady and unsparing writing about his self destruction made me see just how miserable and unrelenting it can be to care for someone who won’t care for themselves or lift a finger to reduce the impact of their illness on their partner. While acknowledging that diabetes is an absolute pig of a disease to have and a killer.

Tell him bluntly that if he plans to take action when he has symptoms, he HAS symptoms now. Blood sugars of 47, dizzy etc are all absolutely deep crimson red flags.

I woke up and felt so angry that he doesn't care enough about our shared future to take care of himself better. I'm starting to feel like his mother and not his partner and that's not what a relationship is about.

This stands out.
You've tried & offered help but he doesn't want to change.

So either except the above as how you will feel for the rest of your days together as he slowly declines in health and mobility, or give him a kick up the arse/ liberate yourself by separating.

I didn't say I wasn't going to leave. I'm trying to figure it out based on other people's experiences and advice.

I am aware of some elements of codependency in my nature. I had a boyfriend who got cancer a long time ago, he wouldn't quit drinking and smoking, but I walked away eventually. He was really good person but unable to take care of himself. Sadly he died quite soon afterwards, went back to an ex gf who was also a heavy smoker and drinker.

Things are never black and white though are they? Fiance has promised changes, starts making them, falls back into the bad habits which he has clearly had for a very long time and is incredibly stubborn about most aspects of it. I'm pretty much determined to leave him now. The reason I made this thread is for advice and support. Isn't that what Mumsnet is all about?

And just to add, the jaundice feels like the very last straw, as it were. He said "Oh, my liver?!!" but then proceeds to ignore it and downplay it!

I think that you need to remember that this is him on his best behaviour before he has you locked in with marriage. What will he be like after that?

Yes this. I keto and I was going to start saying 'blah blah some fats (eg in full fat milk) aren't bad for you' But crikey that's a loooot of processed fat and sugar and I got the ick just reading it.

It sounds like his diet is the least of it tbh.

Bad dental hygiene
Mocks your cleanliness
Mocks your (perfectly normal) food choices
Potentially liver issues
Likely going to be a burden on his future wife
Doesn't care about his health
Hurtling towards severe health problems
....and most importantly...doesn't seem to care about any of the above and it's impact on you.

He doesn't sound very nice op. Why are you attracted to him?

Oh and those asking does he drink, well, not even one drink a week sometimes. Then we will have a few one evening, but other than not, no. He used to drink up until his thirties. Maybe it was heavy. I think his ex wife was not a drinker and then he got busy having children to care for.

Flipping heck, I only got as far as reading about bacon fat and couldn't read any more as it was turning my stomach. What the hell is he thinking. That's insane. Yes I would walk away, he's a heart attack on legs.

No one gets jaundice for no reason. Thats a huge health red flag.

Hes not going to change. Your outlook is too different. Diabetes, although commonplace, is actually a serious disease, and not to be taken lightly.

I'm starting to feel like his mother and not his partner and that's not what a relationship is about.

Then back right off, @Omron . His health is not your responsibility. It is his. He probably hates the idea of being your son as much as you hate the idea of mothering him.

If his lack of regard for his health means that he is unattractive or unappealing to you, leave him. It is hard to be attracted to someone who, fundamentally, you don't respect, and his habits around health do seem hard not to feel some disdain for.

But don't stay in the relationship and try to change him. That would not be fair on him or you.

First thought that crossed my mind - does he have a nice, fat life insurance policy?

Sudden onset jaundice is a medical emergency. Somehow you need to try and get him seen if not at A&E today, then the GP tomorrow at the latest. Seriously though, after this is seen to, I’d walk away.

I'm pretty much determined to leave him now. The reason I made this thread is for advice and support. Isn't that what Mumsnet is all about?

Well yes, it is. But I've lost count of the number of posts like yours I've seen over the years where the person asks for advice, but doesn't take it and your post at the top of this page sounded very much like you were going to stay with him whatever anyone posted in reply! But fine, you say that's not the case.

I guess the bigger issue, based on your latest response, is why you're attracted to people who are so self-destructive and why you develop co-dependent relationships with them, since this latest guy isn't the first. Do you suffer from low self-esteem? Maybe something to explore if/when you end this one.

Beat me to making the "carer" point 🙂

The consequences of his actions will eventually greatly impact your life too @Omron
There is nothing wrong with not wanting to sign up for that, even if his habits were not "giving you the ick" right now.

Does he know when he develops diabetes it often causes erectile dysfunction?

Do not marry this man. Love is blind? Well at a certain age you have to realise that marriage is not the same as blind love.
He is abusing his body, and expecting you to watch.
He has ED.
He is going to get more ill as he ages. He has no reason to change as you are still there and he doesn’t care how much upset he’s causing.
Stop trying to be the saviour. Look up the triangle. He will start seeing you as a jailor.
What about you and what you need? Hopes, dreams and future plans?
It is not about depression. When that happens your diet can go to pot but this man has the energy to arrange all of that eating every day? It’s just gluttony, possibly addiction but you didn’t cause it and you cannot heal it.

I don't use a teapot so can't judge him for that. The rest sounds horrific though. Can't see life with him being anything but unpleasant. Also couldn't live with someone who doesn't properly clean their teeth.

I have two examples before my eyes, both sad. One woman married a person like your husband, only first marriage, early 20s. Ended up his carer in later life, it destroyed her health totally. Another woman married a health freak, a runner and a rugby player, he trained obsessively. He fucked his knees, and his back so badly that he was crippled by his 50s, multiple operations, still ongoing, in and out of hospitals, she is a carer to him for 10 years now too. Two different stories, but there was one thing in common - both men were like 'this is my health, my decision, I choose what I do - I am of sound mind, don't tell me what to do'. Aye, right - don't tell me what to do but spend your retirement years wiping his arse? Abd washing him - all because 'it was my decision' years ago? Fuck that.

I agree. Frankly, your descriptions of his habits make me feel quite sick 🤢

Also, who the hell does he think he is making vomit noises at what you choose to eat but then eating like an utter pig? Its revolting.

The fact is- he doesnt care about his health and you cannot make him care and yes, you will end up being his carer because thats what selfish men like him always expect of women. Always. If he really cared about not wanting to burden you with being his carer then he wouldnt be acting like Mr Creosote from Monty Python.

In the bin with him

If you end it, "I can change things" might be his first claim to persuade you to stay with him.

If you've seen his behaviour of "try for a bit then let things slide back" often enough for it to become a pattern, there's no reason for you to believe the next time would be any different.

If you do like his other personal qualities, he might be agreeable to staying friends.
However, still proceed with caution to avoid having your heart broken by grief sooner or later.

This all sounds so stressful & the only once worrying is You.
You are not his mother, or his nurse.
Realistically he is a walking time bomb for deadly health issues.
Your role will then become one of carer; driving him to hospital, visiting him in hospital, going to the doctor, going to the chemist.
Not to mention nagging, about his diet, his pills, his hygiene.
You need to walk away, and fast.

edited to say, I am my H's carer. it's a life sentence.

At first I thought you were a little over controlling but as I read on I really don’t think so. The turning point was him making stupid vomiting noises when you use semi skimmed milk. It’s like alcoholics calling those who drink in moderation boring. The jaundice could be a result of Non Alcoholic Liver Disease ( basically he has fatty liver). The HBAIC of 47 is pre diabetic range. He really has problems, his organs are struggling and he’s making a joke of it. If you can, maybe tell him calmly you can’t stand by while this happens , you can be there to help him change his habits ( that’s if you still want to) but otherwise sadly you will be leaving.

Some people do everything right and end up ill. That could be you, too. Ok, you might say you should at least try, but then when I see 90 year olds who are fitter than 50 year olds who "did what they should", I do wonder if the fact they just indulged and never stressed about their health helped.
So I'd not, but if you're that unhappy, it's up to you. But you never know, it could be him looking after you eventually. Life is often unfair.

DUMP! He's not going to change and your life will be hell!
Also, how revolting to live with such gluttony!
I don't even know him and I feel like smashing one of those cakes into his greedy face😡

As others have said, things will only get worse with his health and you will end up ruining yours being his carer, so I think you should break with him. Apart from anything else, it sounds like you don't like him much and have the ick (understandably).