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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just found a video of my husband cheating... devastated.

42 replies

Zehra · 29/06/2008 09:07

Me& baby always up before hubby. He suddenly has two mobiles so I looked in the gallery section and found a recent video of him receiving oral from his brothers babysitter.

We have been together 5 yrs, married 2. In that time we have had lot's of problems. He is addicted the cannabis, always in debt and not very good at contributing to baby or our bills. Only 3 weeks ago I asked him to leave and he begged me to forgive him and promised he would be the father and husband we deserve.

We have been living at his parents until the house we brought is decorated. We are due to move in next week and I'm scared that if I confront him now I won't be able to move into the house - I have been paying for it you see but we jointly own it. Also, his mum has been recoverd from a heart attack.

I don't know what to do, I feel sick and I am shaking. Totally and utterly devasted and humiliated.

OP posts:
ChipButty · 29/06/2008 09:13

So sorry. I think you know what you've got to do and I wish you the strength to do it. You are worth more than this.

Zippidy · 29/06/2008 09:16

Oh Zehra, that is terrible for you. Not sure what to say but someone will come and give you good advice.

HappyWoman · 29/06/2008 09:16

This is not your fault - firstly remember this. Take some time now to think about what you want.
Not only has he been stupid to cheat but he has actually recorded it (why - to show what a wonderful guy he is ?)

I know i could not keep it to myself - but understand why you feel you need to for now.
Could you still move on your own?

Take care i am sure there will be more advice along soon.

kaz33 · 29/06/2008 09:17

Have you been paying for all the mortgage and decoration costs?
Could you afford to pay for the mortgage on your own?

WeeBesom · 29/06/2008 09:20

Oh god, how awful. I am so sorry

Only you can decide what to do but you are worth more than this. Could you ever trust him again?

QuintessentialShadows · 29/06/2008 09:21

Sorry to hear this, you must be absolutely devastated.

I would keep hold of the mobile phone, or at least forward that clip to your own phone (for evidence) It is pretty quick to get a divorce on the basis of adultery. Take legal advice on monday. Preferably before talking to him, so you can secure your assets. Either move in on your own or sell the house.
Good Luck! and be strong.

Mutt · 29/06/2008 09:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Zehra · 29/06/2008 09:22

We have owned the property for about 9 months and in that time I have paid for all the bills and decorating materials inc new kitchen etc. He has done the building work. I feel that it is rightly mine and my baby's house and I want to move in. I'm scared that if I confront him and ask him to go now, he will move in and refuse to leave.

I can't stop crying - our sex life has been crap since I was about 5 months pregnant but does that mean it is ok for him to cheat?

I thought we were getting somewhere but the video is only a few days old. I am just beside myself and feel so sorry for my poor baby.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 29/06/2008 09:23

Yes, do as mutt says. Move in today. Talk to the solicitor on monday.
Do you have evidence of what you have paid?

Mutt · 29/06/2008 09:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuintessentialShadows · 29/06/2008 09:28

Yes, you should make sure you move in before him. And NOT mention the video before you have spoken to the solicitor. You need to prevent that he moves in with the babysitter....

You sure it is your dh? and not his brother in the clip?

kaz33 · 29/06/2008 09:29

Not sure if you can go around changing locks as the property is jointly owned.

See a solicitor tommorow. You need this man out of your life, you deserve so much more than this.

notasheep · 29/06/2008 09:30

What a bloody nightmare-really feel for you.

Is it really the end now?
I ask this as my dp was heavy on Cannabis,Unemployed,didnt pay any bills..... there have been some threads on him!!!!
However he is now off the Cannabis,fantastic job at the University and has some money.

sorry this isnt much advice for you.
I would definitely go ahead and move.

Original poster
Zehra · 29/06/2008 09:31

I don't think I can, I am so scared. We are supposed to be going to his best friends wedding today - I don't know why I'm thinking of that now! Have elderly parents, they are sick of him. So babdly want to tell my mum but scared of what it will do to her.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/06/2008 09:31

"I can't stop crying - our sex life has been crap since I was about 5 months pregnant but does that mean it is ok for him to cheat?"

Of course it does not mean it is okay for him to cheat, there is never any justification and he yet again has thought of his own self here.

His pleading to you saying that he would become a better husband and father meant nothing; it was likely just said to keep you sweet and to not throw him out.

Would look into seeking legal advice asap re the property.

I do not use the word divorce lightly at all you may well have to consider that path ultiamtely in order to save your own self and child from further misery at his hands. How wmuch more humiliation are you yourself expected to take from him?. You are only responsbile for your own self and any children you have. Not him. He seems to have brought nothing but pain into your marriage also by having a cannabis addiction and a cavalier attitude to money. Am certain you have picked up the pieces due to his attitude many a time before time.

MuthaHubbard · 29/06/2008 09:32

Oh I'm so sorry zehra. Sex lives go up and down but that is no reason for him to behave in this way. This is not your fault and I would feel the same re the house.

I also back the idea to move in as soon as you can and change the locks.

Original poster
Zehra · 29/06/2008 09:33

Definetly him in the clip. I can hear his voice and see him(!) The babysitter?!! Disgusting pigs the pair of them.

OP posts:
MuthaHubbard · 29/06/2008 09:34

I know it's not nice, but is there anyway you could send a copy of the video to someone or your own mobie to keep as evidence?

QuintessentialShadows · 29/06/2008 09:35

Or send it around to All his contacts..... sorry, wicked, me.

kaz33 · 29/06/2008 09:35

Have you got a friend that you can share this with? Or sibling? You need some real life support not just virtual friends.

Original poster
Zehra · 29/06/2008 09:39

I have just hidden in the toilet and sent the clip to my own phone, so will keep it for evidence. I'm too ashamed to share this with anyone to be honest. Before I married him I had everything. I was the ultimate party girl, great job and good income (still have good income) confident and no-crap attidude. So to tell those that know me what I have been accepting and putting up with these past few years is really hard and makes me feel really ashamed.

OP posts:
poshtottie · 29/06/2008 09:47

His behaviour is no reflection on you, you are still the same person. Do whats best for you and your baby. Do not worry what other people will think, you deserve more than this.

By the way I stayed in my house when dh left though it was in both our names. He wanted the house but I refused to move.

MuthaHubbard · 29/06/2008 09:52

You are still a fab person, you can now add brill mother to the list. Sometimes people do take a bit of crap before they realise whats going on (can't see the wood for the tress iyswim).

Do not feel ashamed, you've done nothing wrong. He is the one who should be ashamed of his behaviour - idiot.

kaz33 · 29/06/2008 10:04

You have nothing to be ashamed of - you are still the same person. He is done something despicable.

I do recommend speaking to a friend - when we share we often find that loads of people have experienced the same type of abuse.

electra · 29/06/2008 10:06

how awful for you xx