He invited me to his place for the first time, and then cancelled that same day at 5 p.m.

[nina357]

I’ve been dating this guy for about a month and a half. He texts me every day, we go out regularly, and he often calls me before bed and talks to me for an hour or two.
On Monday, while we were out, he invited me to his place for the first time, and I agreed. However, today, Tuesday, at 5 PM, he sent me a voice message saying:
“I’m not sure if I’ll be able to make it tonight, but assume it’s more likely a no than a yes. I’ll do my best to make it work, but since I’m going to another city for a wedding in two days, I need to buy a shirt and sneakers.”
At the end, he added: “Please don’t overthink this under any circumstances. Everything is fine, nothing happened, just please don’t overthink it.” (Probably because he knows it sounds weird)
I told him that I had started overthinking a little because I found it strange that he only told me so late in the day, especially considering that the stores are open until 9 PM.
He also said: “This week I was expecting that we would only see each other once. I need to buy a shirt and sneakers, and I have today and tomorrow free to get everything done.”
And this is where I’m confused. If he has the entire next day free before leaving for another city the day after tomorrow, why didn’t he just say, “Let’s see each other tomorrow”? Or why couldn’t he simply do those things tomorrow instead?

He probably can't be bothered to tidy up, whatever......

Sneakers for a wedding?

It's only been a few weeks. Try not to speculate about how he's organising his shopping etc.

Could you reply with a breezy, no problem. Enjoy the wedding and see you when you're back.

Long phone calls before bed sound very intense for this stage, or maybe I'm just old.

That sounds well dodgy. He's definitely up to something, with the overexplaining. Does he live with his girlfriend? Is the wedding actually his wedding?

He looked around his house / flat / squat and realised just how much energy it would take to make it presentable. And he just doesn’t have the energy on top of preparing / packing for the wedding. (Which I assume he’d already told you about? If it was invented on the spur of the moment that’s an entirely different matter.)

If you have no reason to be suspicious (rather than mildly disappointed) I’d let it go.

Is he planning to wear the sneakers to the wedding? Or just for the rest of the trip? The former might alarm me more than being too lazy to organise a date at his house.

@nina357 love, old gimmer here… well, nearly 60… veteran of the dating scene with a good 5 or so years experience

you’ve known each other a matter of weeks, you owe him nothing, he owes you nothing.

he could end this, or you could, with nothing more than “I’m not feeling this anymore”

AND IT WOULD BE FINE.

he has cancelled due to being overwhelmed with things to do and he has gone to great length to explain AND to reassure you.

so get out of your own head and take it at face value

”no problem, thanks for letting me know. Sorry not to see you, but looking forward to when we can get together next!”

The biggest thing I learned was to not even consider this stuff as even a “relationship” until at least 6m, and not even look at anything future focused until a year in.

this stops you future faking yourself, building up a relationship IN YOUR HEAD, and then getting disappointed because it’s not real.

take time to get to know each other and value yourself above everything else.

There are two possibilities, neither of them good.

He just isn’t that bothered about seeing you. He should be super excited at this stage.

It is genuinely going to take him two days to buy a pair of trousers and a pair of trainers. Can you imagine what that would be like long term to live with?!

Who cares how he shops? She’s known him minutes - don’t even think about what it’s like to live with him, that’s not even vaguely relevant at this point

this is where people get in too deep too quickly and then put up with a load of crap because of the sunk cost fallacy after they have future faked themselves

lighthearted and fun, that’s all this friendship needs to be atm

I find this odd "This week I was expecting that we would only see each other once."

Like he's rationing you? Or maybe I'm overthinking it. Still though, he doesn't seem overly keen.

I think there’s a lot of overthinking going on here. I’m with @MzHz - let him know you’re looking forward to seeing him when he’s back and go and do some things for yourself.

I suspect as others have said that he probably started trying to make the place look clean and tidy and learned how much work there was to do. The shopping excuse is probably the first thing he thought of.

As others have suggested send a reply saying something like enjoy the wedding and give you a call after the wedding. Then the ball is in his court.

Completely agree with @MzHz, you are far too invested at this stage. You don't know him, you don't know how he shops and how he plans and it is perfectly OK for him to be different than you. To be honest, I wouldn't invite someone over when I had things to organise for a weekend away. Or I would have invited them over if it was the only opportunity to see them that week but would feel entirely overwhelmed running to do list in my head and would likely turf them out first thing in the morning.
More importantly, he acknowledged your feelings and offered reassurance which means he is at least thoughtful. I suggest you take his advice and don't overthink this.

Sneakers?? Does anyone in the UK call trainers that?

Okay I'm an overthinker and I would probably have these worries but even I can tell this is ridiculous 🤣

OP, he said not to overthink it and I don't think he's done anything dodgy. Inconsiderate yes, cancelling at 5pm on the day. Don't put off plans for him the next time he wants to make them, ie make sure it's very much at your convenience and you could always say I didn't love the last minute cancellation as I could have spent my day/evening differently - maybe you didn't say yes to plans with friends because of this?

But I can get overwhelmed packing, shopping, planning for trips, I prob would want buffer time to get stuff for a wedding and he prob just wanted to clear his schedule and see you after and not have to host during these couple of days. Everything else has sounded like he's keen. I'd just say he should have thought of all that a bit sooner so as not to leave you hanging.

I reckon he has a wife who is due home.

@MzHz ,

‘Who cares how he shops? She’s known him minutes - don’t even think about what it’s like to live with him, that’s not even vaguely relevant at this point
this is where people get in too deep too quickly and then put up with a load of crap because of the sunk cost fallacy after they have future faked themselves’

Maybe I am just too old for ‘modern’ dating! But I would make that argument the other way around.

Dating is about seeing if someone is worth time and effort. If someone messes you around early, just call it a day and find someone better. The sunk cost fallacy is staying because you have already invested time and energy, not just saying ‘meh, you can’t be bothered, so nor can I, plenty of fish in the sea’.

Why is he warning you not to overthink 😕? It's similar to someone that says 'I don't mean to be rude, but...' — which often means the person is rude. That would irritate me. Does he frequently cancel plans at the last minute? If yes, it's best to let him go. If its a one off keep it light. Very early days

The best thing you could have done is to make absolutely nothing of it. To say ‘no problem catch you another time’. Instead you admitted to doing what he told you not to, overthink. It isn’t a good look. I bet his house is a mess or something. Or it could be that he’s telling the truth and he needs to go shopping. I get that it’s annoying if he’s cancelled last minute but trying to quiz him into submission isn’t the way to find out why.

She didn’t say she was in the UK. You sound like one of those Americans who thinks that there is one one Paris and it’s in Texas.

I wouldn’t bother seeing him again, at this stage he should be looking forward to seeing you!

No. And they certainly wouldn't wear them to a wedding unless they were going to be in the Status Quo tribute act performing at the reception.😂

My first thought was also that he probably should’ve cleaned and didn’t have time, but what bothered me the most was that he only let me know at 5 PM. Also, he has the day off tomorrow as well… He never used to cancel at the last minute before.

I'm a harlot so I'm like "a month before you see his place? I normally have a tootbrush and knickers left there in the first WEEK"

I imagine from the time it's taken he's a little bit sensitive, doesn't just invite people back on a whim?

Some people have friends and dates popping in all the time and for others a visit is a Very Special Occasion.

I'd wonder if he actually is going to buy bed linen or towels or furnishings to make his place look better? It may be very basic with stained tatty bed linen left from his mums house.

He won't want to tell you as he's worried you'll judge him for not Adulting already.

As pps say it takes a lot of time to get a place properly fresh, especially if he hasn't got a cleaner.

I budget in my home and honestly its so basic I have sometimes bought mainstream things just before visitors come (I don't mind if my linen has holes in it but feel bad giving it to guests).

I have quite a frugal, studenty lifestyle and I did sometimes feel embarrassed if the place wasn't up to scratch.

I'm assuming OP is in the US if she's calling them sneakers.

I've seen many pictures from US weddings where the theme is casual and the guests wear jeans, t-shirts, trainers, cotton summer dresses etc - sometimes it's the groom dressed down, even when the bride is in a gown. It's not impossible that this is what the OPs bf would be wearing.

I get like that. He feels like he’s got a mountain of things to do so tidying his flat and sorting a dinner to impress you seems too much. Tell him to enjoy the wedding and you look forward to seeing him when he’s back. Don’t try and work out what he should/could be doing with his time, just wish him well and you’ll see him soon.

@nina357 ,

Am I completely misreading this or, 6 weeks into a relationship, he cancels a shag to do the metaphorical equivalent of tidying his sock draw, at the very last minute?! And then he has the nerve to tell you how to react?

As they say these days ‘it isn’t that deep’ ! Surely, this is where you tell him where to get off?

Overthinking. They hardly know each other yet. Once a week is fine in the very early stages.