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Relationships

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Original poster

He invited me to his place for the first time, and then cancelled that same day at 5 p.m.

29 replies

nina357 · 02/09/2026 12:34

I’ve been dating this guy for about a month and a half. He texts me every day, we go out regularly, and he often calls me before bed and talks to me for an hour or two.
On Monday, while we were out, he invited me to his place for the first time, and I agreed. However, today, Tuesday, at 5 PM, he sent me a voice message saying:
“I’m not sure if I’ll be able to make it tonight, but assume it’s more likely a no than a yes. I’ll do my best to make it work, but since I’m going to another city for a wedding in two days, I need to buy a shirt and sneakers.”
At the end, he added: “Please don’t overthink this under any circumstances. Everything is fine, nothing happened, just please don’t overthink it.” (Probably because he knows it sounds weird)
I told him that I had started overthinking a little because I found it strange that he only told me so late in the day, especially considering that the stores are open until 9 PM.
He also said: “This week I was expecting that we would only see each other once. I need to buy a shirt and sneakers, and I have today and tomorrow free to get everything done.”
And this is where I’m confused. If he has the entire next day free before leaving for another city the day after tomorrow, why didn’t he just say, “Let’s see each other tomorrow”? Or why couldn’t he simply do those things tomorrow instead?

OP posts:

Sulgari · 02/09/2026 13:58

MzHz · 02/09/2026 12:57

@nina357 love, old gimmer here… well, nearly 60… veteran of the dating scene with a good 5 or so years experience

you’ve known each other a matter of weeks, you owe him nothing, he owes you nothing.

he could end this, or you could, with nothing more than “I’m not feeling this anymore”

AND IT WOULD BE FINE.

he has cancelled due to being overwhelmed with things to do and he has gone to great length to explain AND to reassure you.

so get out of your own head and take it at face value

”no problem, thanks for letting me know. Sorry not to see you, but looking forward to when we can get together next!”

The biggest thing I learned was to not even consider this stuff as even a “relationship” until at least 6m, and not even look at anything future focused until a year in.

this stops you future faking yourself, building up a relationship IN YOUR HEAD, and then getting disappointed because it’s not real.

take time to get to know each other and value yourself above everything else.

Edited

Excellent post

deskerwriter · 02/09/2026 13:59

Ps I do know a lot of men don't bother with -say - buying a bed. They'll use a mattress. Even if they're professional mature types.

I'm happy with sleeping on the sofa or a single old grubby mattress on the floor (probably a secret man) but obviously I am aware dates may expect a double bed.

The fact that he hasn't just told OP to come round before means he's probably not the type to be relaxed and just wing it even if it's not perfect.

Maybe he's waiting for a bed frame to come or something. Then he'll need the linen and the duvets.... I suspect when you do get let into the home there will be a lot of suspiciously new looking stuff.

ChickNorris · 02/09/2026 14:09

DozyCrow · 02/09/2026 13:53

I'm assuming OP is in the US if she's calling them sneakers.

I've seen many pictures from US weddings where the theme is casual and the guests wear jeans, t-shirts, trainers, cotton summer dresses etc - sometimes it's the groom dressed down, even when the bride is in a gown. It's not impossible that this is what the OPs bf would be wearing.

Show quote history

If that's true then that's properly depressing. A wedding is an occasion that deserves to be shown enough respect to put a bit of effort into what people are wearing. It's what it boils down to for me. I'd definitely not allow jeans and trainers. It's not a trip to Tesco. But I'm not the one getting married.
Just saying..

Catza · 02/09/2026 15:20

nina357 · 02/09/2026 13:47

My first thought was also that he probably should’ve cleaned and didn’t have time, but what bothered me the most was that he only let me know at 5 PM. Also, he has the day off tomorrow as well… He never used to cancel at the last minute before.

Show quote history

You've known him for 6 weeks. There isn't much of a "before" to talk about. Yes, he could have let you know earlier but what difference would it make? He didn't cancel at 8.55 when you were on his doorstep. He gave you enough notice to cancel your travel plans.
Unless you are both 16, I assume this bloke has a job and adult life. I sometimes have to cancel things when my day doesn't quite go to plan. For example, I had my boiler replaced and the plumber said he will be finished by 1pm so I promised to drive to my boyfriend's in the afternoon. The plumber had an issue and didn't finish till 6 so I had to cancel my plans. Similarly, any adult can have things happen throughout the day which may derail their "to do" list from emergency at work to traffic.

But if you decide to make an issue out of it, then it is your prerogative. You are free to walk away from him.

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