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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this a mountain out of a molehill?

31 replies

slapheadsrock · 28/06/2008 20:38

Went to a friends last week after being hit with remote by dh. Not first time he has hit, but not often. She says I need to get it out in the open. But what if I confront him? I don't know what will happen, and if I leave it, the kids are ok. They come first.
Is it really that bad? I'm not regularly thrashed or anything.
Have looked a little at some websites and realise dh is controlling and a bit of a bully.
Don't tell me to leave, because somewhere under it all is the man I married, and I don't hold with divorce.
So confused.

OP posts:
Divastrop · 28/06/2008 20:43

no,the man who is hitting and bullying you is the man you married,its just he was putting on a front when you first got together.they all do it,im afraid.

how does he act afterwards?does he show remorse?

Original poster
slapheadsrock · 28/06/2008 20:44

I am his sweetie for days...

OP posts:
Divastrop · 28/06/2008 20:47

has he acknowledged that he has a problem and that he is wrong to be like this?

do you think its ok to be hit?

TheProvincialLady · 28/06/2008 20:52

Your kids are not okay if you put up with it. They are being damaged by hearing/seeing/knowing that this goes on. Would you want your daughter to choose a man who bullies and hits her for a husband? Or a son who thinks it is normal to treat women this way?

I know what you mean about not wanting to divirce but you cannot put up with this. Your husband needs to stop doing it. How about contacting Women's Aid for advice as a start?

TequilaMockinBird · 28/06/2008 20:52

Please, leave him before it gets worse

Sorry, I know thats not what you wanted to hear, but I'm afraid it's the truth

Sending hugs xxx

Moomin · 28/06/2008 20:55

The fact that you have left him before now for behaviour like this indicates that you know it's not right. and also the fact that you're on here talking about it and have been on other websites shows an uneasiness with how he is, but it's also clear that you love him.

How much do you want him to change? How much does he recognise that he has a problem? How far would he go to keep you (counselling?)?

Only you can decide what to do. You will get lots of advice here and lots of statements about your dh that you will defind and won't like, but maybe seeing them in black and white might help? You are going to see how your dh comes across to the outside world and you might not like it.

Original poster
slapheadsrock · 28/06/2008 21:10

I haven't ever left, merely gone for space and a coffee then home after an hour. Don't know if he would take counselling. He has never acknowledged it and I guess I am too chicken to bring it up.
It's the old thing of two parents are better than one. He doesn't hit them, just me. If it is all being directed at me, surely that is better than them.
If he did do anything to them, I would be out of here.

OP posts:
BecauseImWorthIt · 28/06/2008 21:12

But why should it be acceptable for him to hit you?

StressTeddy · 28/06/2008 21:13

Leave him
Start to make plans and do it

This does not sound good at all
Re -read your posts. What would you say to a friend who had told you this/

Love to you and hope this has a happy ending for you and your dc's

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 28/06/2008 21:18

Two parents are not better than one if the relationship is abusive. Look up emotional abuse online - witnessing domestic violence is abuse of your kids and is damaging them already. Social services take it very seriously - I'm not saying you need them involved I'm just saying you are minimising the effect this is having on your kids and that is wrong.

TequilaMockinBird · 28/06/2008 21:19

The more you let him get away with doing it, the more he will do it, and the worse it will get...please look at this from the outside in and realise that this is not the life that you deserve x

Gettingagrip · 28/06/2008 21:35

Get this book from Amazon.com: 'Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men: Lundy Bancroft'

Google 'Abuse Cycle'

Do NOT go to couples counselling with a violent man

Save up some money

Sometimes divorce is the better option

Listen to the very knowledgable women on this site

x

harpomarx · 28/06/2008 21:42

so dh's behaviour is abusive and controlling towards you but he is absolutely fine with the dcs? Really? Do you think he always will be?

come on, you know his behaviour is unacceptable and I find it sad that you feel totally unable to confront him. Surely if there is love and understanding between a couple you should be able to talk about something as important as this.

TequilaMockinBird · 28/06/2008 22:15

"I am his sweetie for days..."

And I bet he's always really remorseful and sorry and doesn't know what came over him etc..

My XP was exactly the same (infact you'll find that the majority of men who abuse their DW/DP's are). He will probably also try to make out that it is your fault, that you provoked him.

The other ladies here are right, it will and does affect your children.

Just remember - you should trust actions not words

TheProvincialLady · 28/06/2008 22:28

"If it is directed at me, surely that is better than at them"

This is a really sad statement. My mum used to think the same thing, only unfortunately my dad was also abusing my brother and me in a variety of ways behind her back - with threats not to say anything. He threw my brother down the stairs several times and also held him above his head and threw him on the floor An abusive bully is generally an abusive bully in all areas of his life so don't kid yourself that it is only you that is affected by this. I am sorry if that sounds harsh but you do need to hear it I think.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/06/2008 22:33

Your words and apparant defence of him are typically voiced by female victims of abusive men. Men like this rarely if ever change because they do not take responsibility for their own actions.

Abusers can also be plausible to the outside world in case you respond that he is popular and likeable. It is only behind closed doors that their true colours emerge.

You cannot bury your head in the sand any longer, you sound also like you're in denial (as my friend was). Your children are learning about relationships from you two because you are their parents. What are you both teaching them?. That it is okay for a man to hit his wife physically and for you as their Mum to take it?. Its a small step also from verbal abuse and having the remote thrown at you to him using his fists on you as a punchbag. Such behaviour often escalates.

Abusive behaviour like this, infact of any kind, in relationships is seriously bad for children to witness and hear. My friend's 4 year old daughter has been profoundly affected by what she has heard. My friend has now found it within herself to get the hell out before he destroys them both and drags them down with him. You are all being dragged down by this man.

You have a choice ultimately - your children have no such voice. You will answer to them one day if you were to ultimately choose to stay with him and you may not like at all what they tell you. They could well accuse you of putting him before them.

MsHighwater · 28/06/2008 22:58

Divorce is infinitely more respectable than domestic violence.

Nighbynight · 28/06/2008 23:13

slapheadsrock, how old are your children? When mine got old enough, and after we had split, they told me about their early memories of seeing their father hitting me.
later on of course, he was violent with them too.
They did't say anything at the time because they thought I was going along with it. Only after I took a stand and established a separate life from ex, did the children start talking.

The level of violence that I had was worse than what you describe. But the controlling/bully thing is horrible too. Only you can decide how much you will put up with before you walk out.

mumofmoo · 28/06/2008 23:31

Attila is right. My sister was in an abusive marriage for 8 years. He would always turn on the charm afterwards but in the end she realised he would never change. His father apparently hit his mother regularly so I guess he thought it was ok/normal.

Original poster
slapheadsrock · 28/06/2008 23:39

doesn't anyone think that someone can change?
it hasn't been like this for the whole of our marriage.
it used to be fun. we used to have fun. he wanted kids but now i think resents sharing me.

OP posts:
Original poster
slapheadsrock · 28/06/2008 23:40

kids are 11,10,6

OP posts:
Nighbynight · 28/06/2008 23:42

I think someone can make a mistake, be violent once or twice and with an effort learn from it. but if it is a habit - change himself? no. Realistically, he is not going to.

whats his motivation to change? you are accepting his violence.

Sorry to be so blunt. I have been where you are now, with similar thoughts.

Nighbynight · 28/06/2008 23:44

have you talked to you older children about how they feel about his violence towards you?

jalopy · 29/06/2008 09:26

This time it was the remote,
next time it will be the television......

Anniegetyourgun · 29/06/2008 09:52

Agree. Putting up with it is not an option. Leaving him may not be the only alternative, but you should try to get into a position where you can contemplate it if it becomes necessary. And I do think he's likely to turn on the children once they get into their teens and start daring to have some ideas of their own. At the moment he can order them about without question. You, being an adult, take more subjugating.