Is this a mountain out of a molehill?

[slapheadsrock]

Went to a friends last week after being hit with remote by dh. Not first time he has hit, but not often. She says I need to get it out in the open. But what if I confront him? I don't know what will happen, and if I leave it, the kids are ok. They come first.
Is it really that bad? I'm not regularly thrashed or anything.
Have looked a little at some websites and realise dh is controlling and a bit of a bully.
Don't tell me to leave, because somewhere under it all is the man I married, and I don't hold with divorce.
So confused.

How would you feel if your son-in-law was doing this to your daughter, or your daughter-in-law was being violent to your son or your grandchildren?

If you stay, this may well be the legacy you have provided for them.

"Kids are 11,10,6"

Do not kid yourself that they're not learning from the examples set by the two of you. They are taking this all in and they are likely to be more aware of tension than you yourself realise.

It was only when my friend's daughter aged 4 buried herself under the covers in the hopes that "it" would all go away that my friend realised that her husband would not change and is now making plans to divorce. If she is aware at her tender age of underlying tensions then your children certainly are.

"doesn't anyone think that someone can change?"

People only change if they want to. Your husband clearly does not think he has a problem and thus will likely intensify his anger towards you.

"it hasn't been like this for the whole of our marriage.it used to be fun. we used to have fun. he wanted kids but now i think resents sharing me".

Signs of abusive behaviours are subtle and insidious in their onset. You likely did not notice any red flags. Not your fault, controlling people can be extremely plausible. Of course he resents "sharing" you with your children. Controlling abusers like him do not like sharing or letting go easily. You are all actually suffering at his hands.

Would suggest you read Lundy Bancroft's publication called "Why does he do it?".

My mother stayed with my violent abusive father until I was 9. The violence was never done in front of me, but I knew. I could sense the tension and hear the rows. I also used to hide under my sheets and sing to myself to drown it out.

I have had 2 nervous breakdowns and still have an anxiety disorder that requires heavy medication. Do not kid yourself that your children are better off with you staying put. Not for one second.

i know you dont want to hear it but you are coming out with all the typicl lines of an abused woman 'he wasnt like this when we first got together' 'he isnt hurting the kids' 'he can change',are all lines i and i imagine many other women on this site have said about our abusers.

face it,even if he never hit you again,you would still be living in fear,walking on eggshells afraid of saying the 'wrong' thing.you have the right to feel safe in your own home,and you cant feel safe with a man like this around.

Thank you all. Ok. So not a mountain out of a molehill.
I just needed someone else to tell me I wasn't being dramatic.
Lots of thinking to do.....

good luck. It is a very difficult situation to be in, and to be sure that you are doing the right thing. I only really became sure after I had split, because of what the children told me.
Please do talk here again if you want to.