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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What would you do? PLEASE I really need some opinions on this...

34 replies

RockHardPlace · 28/06/2008 20:02

Without going into things too much my Husband used to be a weed smoker, we agreed over a year ago he should stop, I was very upset as I was very against it.

I found out last week he had been using again for 8 months.

When I found out I was devastated, it was a total breech of trust, he was buying with money we simply did not have, he was lying to me and worst of all he was smoking whilst on VERY high doses of depression medication

Anyway, before I found out he had a night at his mates, he was supposed to be spending the evening with me but 'dumped' me in favour of a night at his mates.

He said he would be home at 11pm, at 11.30 I rang and he said he wasn't coming home

I waited

he came in at 1.30am.

Last week, it all clicked, all the times he betrayed me he was smoking,

he was smoking that night.

He has just said he wants to go to his friends tonight.

How can I trust himt hat he wont smoke??

He promised me last time and treated me likea mug for 8 months!!

When I found out our marriage was close to break down, i even made him leave for 2 nights.

At the time he was all 'oh its just you and me, no more nights out, no more smoking'

But now less than 5 days later hes already wanting to go out and im worried!

How can i trust him,

but how can I keep him here if he doesnt want to stay in with me?

I feel like shit

this cloud is hanging over us and I don't know how to lift it

OP posts:

Original poster

RockHardPlace · 28/06/2008 20:15

Sorry, he wasn't a weed smoker, well he was but not like a regular (or so i thought) i thought it was a 1 off and asked him not to do it again over a year ago and now have found out he contiinued afterwards and had been doing it regularly before.

OP posts:

IAteRosemaryConleyForBreakfast · 28/06/2008 20:22

I think it's like so many things - he has to want to stop. The deception shows how much he still wants/needs to smoke. He's probably in a vicious circle just now because cannabis is a depressive drug but if he's depressed his will to stop is likely to be very weak.

Honestly I would say (not from any position of experience) that you probably would both benefit from some fomr of counselling. Is he receiving more than just medication for his depression? Because some sort of talking therapy might be beneficial.

Sorry I can't be of more help, but loads of sympathy because it's a horrible situation for you to be in

Original poster

RockHardPlace · 28/06/2008 20:22

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/06/2008 20:25

Hi,

Do you have children?. If so they are seeing all this too.

You are responsible only to them and to your own self. Your husband has continued to choose to use cannabis (whilst taking medication for depression - a huge no-no). Unless he admits to himself that he has a dependence and actively wants to seek professional help for his addiction then he cannot be helped. You cannot make him seek help and he has to want to give up for his own self.

You have to do what is best and right by you and any children you have. The choice ultimately is yours but if you were to give any ultimatum to him you will need to follow it through to the letter.

I would seek support in real life for your own self from organisations like Families Anonymous and drug addiction charities.

Original poster

RockHardPlace · 28/06/2008 20:25

Sorry x-posts.

He is on the waiting list for CB THERAPY.

I don't want to nag and 'not let him go' but he promised me he wouldn't go out for a while and I don'y know if I can trust him not to smoke.

I never smelt it on him, or noticed he looked out of it.

He hid it so well.

And I feel like such an idiot looking back.

To make it worse my WHOLE family pretty much knew but didn't know how to tell me

OP posts:

chocolatemummy · 28/06/2008 20:26

well its a breach of trust like you say BUT I think possibly thee ae worse things he can do than smoke weed, is that really somwthng to end your marriage over? I don't smoke it myslef but an ex used to and it drove me mad but looking back, he didnt really drink or smoke normal fag and getting stoned now and again wast really that big a deal
the fact that he is staying out half the night is more of an issue

Original poster

RockHardPlace · 28/06/2008 20:26

We have 2 children, one is only a toddler and I am also expecting.

He doesn't SEEM like he does need to smoke at the moment and he says he doesn't want to

but theres still a niggle

and how can i be so sure and just let him go?

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/06/2008 20:28

Adfam may also be helpful to you:-

www.adfam.org.uk

Original poster

RockHardPlace · 28/06/2008 20:28

Chocolate mummy, he is on alot of mediactaytion for depression.

ITS REALLY BAD that he is (or was) smoking whilst on it.

And really, its just a ,matter of opinion isn't it?

Even if he wasn't on medication i would NOT tolertae him taking drugs when we have small children.

Its just opinion and mine is stead fast

the weed or us!

OP posts:

chocolatemummy · 28/06/2008 20:29

lol looks like I am stoned myself judging by that last message,..... sorry.

StellaWasADiver · 28/06/2008 20:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/06/2008 20:36

Do you know exactly how long he has been using cannabis for?. Long term cannabis usage is very hard to break free of. Using this whilst taking drugs for depression will as well as making his own general health poorer in terms of lung damage and short term memory loss.

If your opinion i.e the weed or us is steadfast then you will have to put that ultimatum to him. But you will have to follow it through - can you do that?

Do seek real life support for your own self too - I have put up adfam's details.

OverMyDeadBody · 28/06/2008 20:38

You probably already know that you can't make him stop though right? I've been where you are, I made my ex promise to stop when I found out. I checked up on him, tried to control it, thought he would stop because I wanted him to stop. He didn't though, he just got cleverer and cleverer at hiding it.

Thewn it dawned on me. Who am I to dictate what he does and doesn't want to do with his life? I realised that I only had two choices:

Either accept that he smoked weed or

Leave him

So I left.

Unless your DH wants to stop smoking, he won't, no matter what incentives you dangle in front of him or threats you make. He will just cover it up and lie to you more and more.

Original poster

RockHardPlace · 28/06/2008 20:42

But how do I find out if he truely does want to stop?

He may really want to.

OP posts:

chocolatemummy · 28/06/2008 20:42

yeah I wouldn't have it around the kids thats for sure,and if he is on medication for depression thn its a REALLY bad idea as will react really badly to those drugs, Is tht why he is smoking t? because he is depressed? in which case he needs help from a more reliable source than drugs.

StellaWasADiver · 28/06/2008 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

RockHardPlace · 28/06/2008 20:48

I think he wants to stop because he knows that if he doesn't he will loose his family!

OP posts:

Original poster

RockHardPlace · 28/06/2008 20:49

I don't think Im in denial, I think I just want to believe my husband

OP posts:

StellaWasADiver · 28/06/2008 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OverMyDeadBody · 28/06/2008 20:53

He may know that he will loose his family if he doesn't stop, but that doesn't mean he actually wants to stop iuswim.

If, given the choice, he would rather carry on, then there is no way you can make him stop or should indeed try.

He shouldn't take it while he's on migh strength ADs though, surely he knows that?!

Original poster

RockHardPlace · 28/06/2008 20:54

lol, thankyou.

we obviously need to discuss this more but it just turns into an argument

OP posts:

OverMyDeadBody · 28/06/2008 20:54

If you don't allow him to smoke it, he will find better waqys of hiding it from you. He won't atop though.

OverMyDeadBody · 28/06/2008 20:56

What's to discuss?

You just need to make a decision.

Either:

Accept it about him and don't try to stop him or sontrol it, thus paving the way for him to not have to hide anything from you and building up a trustful relationship again

You leave him.

You can argue discuss it till the cows go home, but you will still be left with these two options, nothing else.

Original poster

RockHardPlace · 28/06/2008 20:58

But there IS third option

that he DOES stop.

Its not, let him smoke or leave him.

He does have a choice and he may make the right one.

OP posts:

OverMyDeadBody · 28/06/2008 21:05

Ah yes, but that is his option, not yours. If he chooses that, great, and he may at some point anyway, many men give weed up of their own accord as they get more and more into family life.

you still only have those two options, although option 1 could include the smallprint: He may give it up of his own accord at some point.

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