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Original poster

Do All Men Feel That Being A SAHM Isnt Really Classed At Work?

31 replies

chinchi · 28/06/2008 17:13

In the middle of a barney with DH as I was late getting back this afternoon and he needed the car for work. Anyway, he set off in a huff before we had time to talk.

I text him saying I was genuinely sorry for being late, but there was traffic which I couldnt do much about. He replied that I dont know my responisibilites and he has to go out and work in order for me to go out and enjoy time with my friends (Id been shopping with a friend and was only 3 hours).

I text him back and said that why do he not feel that being a SAHM is hard work, and that I dont get anytime off whatsoever from being with DS. Whenever I go anywhere, DS comes too. DH sees him for all of 4 hours a day due to his work, and despite having 2 days off a week, it can be guaranteed he'll visit his friends on one of those days.

Anyway, more to the point, I always get it thrown in my face that being a SAHM isnt really work. He thinks I have it easy because I can come and go as I please and Im in the comfort of my own home.

Do most of your partners feel this way? What can be done to help them realised that its bloody hard work?

OP posts:
Hecate · 28/06/2008 17:22

No. Not all men feel that way.

It is a lot of work, but so is being employed! It's not a competition over who's got it harder. However, a SAHM does have a greater degree of flexibility than someone who is employed outside the home.

I am sorry but the bit about how hard it is right next to your 3 hour shopping trip made me giggle! Let your dh leave work to go shopping with his mate for 3 hours and see what happens!

But finally, if it's so easy - tell him that you want to go out to work and he can be a SAHD! Or go away for the weekend and leave him to cope, to give him an idea what it is like. I think people don't really understand what it's like until they're submerged in it, iyswim!

policywonk · 28/06/2008 17:23

Never mind men - a lot of women (including a lot of posters on this board) think that being a SAHM isn't really work (NOT my point of view, I should say!)

Call up some cleaners and nannies and ask them to quote for doing the work you do as a SAHM - make sure you get them to quote for out-of-hours rates (evening, early mornings, weekends) too. Tot up the total. Present your DH with an invoice. Point out to him that this is the market value of the work you do.

Really, he's being a tosser.

Also, take a day off from being a SAHM now and then and leave him at home WITH THE KIDS. See whether he still thinks it's a doss when you come home ten hours later.

Dottoressa · 28/06/2008 17:25

No, not all men think that way!

My DH is amazed by how hard I work (and he knows, as he works at home - so hears what my day is like through the study door...!!)

wonderstuff · 28/06/2008 17:27

I have found that regularly leaving dd with dh works well. On the weekends and evenins we negotiate childcare, sowe both get time off. It did take dh a while to 'get' it, I had to sit him down and explain my need for time out.

Original poster
chinchi · 28/06/2008 17:28

Thanks for the replies!

Hectate- trust me to be as blonde as ranting on about being a SAHM then mention my shopping trip

Great idea about the quotes policywonk! DH even admits himself that DS (10 months) is hard work, but of course, any work he does would have to be tougher

I think more than anything Im sick of getting it thrown in my face that he goes out to work and brings the pennies in, yet given the chance I would love to go out to work, even for a couple of days a week, but unfortunately we dont have anyone available to look after DS.

He really has put a dampner on the whole day

OP posts:
SunSunSun · 28/06/2008 18:17

well I'm afraid I would be annoyed if I needed the car for work and dh was back late because he'd been out for a 3 hour jolly with his mates!

Maybe he's just throwing stuff like that at you because he was, quite reasonably, annoyed.

If you want to go to work, have you looked at childminders or nurseries?

Original poster
chinchi · 28/06/2008 18:23

Maybe I wasnt clear in my original thread- I apologised for being late, but I left in plenty of time to get home, however there was traffic on the road.

I apologised when I got out of the car, despite a barrage of abuse being thrown at me, and have apologised twice by text too.

He goes off on his 'jollies' every week, whilst I am at home with DS. We havnt been out as a family in over a month now- its either me out with DS, or him out alone/with friends.

It isnt the first time he has said his feelings about me being a SAHM and its that that has led me to post- had it been the first time he'd mentioned it to me, yes I would have agreed that it was because I was late home.

OP posts:
hercules1 · 28/06/2008 18:25

I'd be annoyed if dh had gone for a 3 hour shopping trip and made me late for work. Have you got just one child? It's not really that hard work to look after one child especially if your dh is home 4 hours a day..

BouncingTurtle · 28/06/2008 18:38

My Dh doesn't think so - neither does my window cleaner! After telling me his missus is expecting again, he said he is glad to be working as it is much easier than staying home looking after the house and kids

tassisssss · 28/06/2008 18:41

thankfully my dh doesn't feel this way though sadly I'm pretty sure a good number of the blokes I know probably do...

foxythesnowfox · 28/06/2008 18:48

It isn't work. We don't get paid for it, no annual leave/sick days/bonuses/lunchbreaks.

You obviously need to go away for a minimum of 24 hours to allow him to experience your life. You'd be selfish not to

Original poster
chinchi · 28/06/2008 18:57

Hehe thanks foxy, and when you put it like that, I guess it isnt really classed as work.

He has ruined my Saturday night

....lets out huge sigh and feels sorry for herself....

OP posts:
foxythesnowfox · 28/06/2008 19:04

Wine? Chocolate? Take-away?

Saturday nights are grim enough without feeling crappy about an arguement!

BEcause in the comfort of your own home you don't go stir crazy, do you? And some days you don't speak to anyone over the age of 3 unless on MN?

He's obviously feeling put-upon. How are things for him at work? Are you in the 'I work harder' 'No, I work harder' cycle? It follows the 'I'm so tired'. 'I'm more tired' routine .

Be the adult and acknowledge how hard he works for your family. Sometimes we need to give them a little pat and say "well done dear". Oh I know its patronising BTW!

jellybeans · 28/06/2008 19:05

I think some (ignorant?) people feel like that due to it being devalued by society for various reasons. Also, I have noticed that alot of men are unwilling to/annoyed at cutting back their spending and materialism and can resent the wife SAH. I know a few people who went back to work and their DH have just gone on spending more so they were no better off. I think also some men know what they can say which will nag at your insecurities in an argument. I agree that you should leave your DC with DP for at least 8 hrs and see if he still feels the same. My DH is knackered after a day with our 4 and he has them quite often as I go to college part time for a break!

StressTeddy · 28/06/2008 19:07

my dh wouldn't be a sahd for all the tea in China. He KNOWS it's far too hard and he would be sapped of all energy after a couple of days

olyoly · 28/06/2008 19:10

They just came out with the going wage for SAHMs in the US. They work an average of 92 hours per week and would make US$117,000 per year based on going rates for cleaning/childcare/etc.

How many husbands work 92 hours per week?

notnowbernard · 28/06/2008 19:12

I work some weekends so dp has a good insight into what looking after the kids really means (I'm out the door before they wake and they are in bed when I get back)

He is the first to admit that he wouldn't be able to tolerate the pre-school activities and 'playdate' type affairs

I would like him to do it for say, a week, because his weekends with them doesn't seem to include fitting in the drudgery chores. More like gardening and model-making out of cereal boxes (which I know is FAB, btw)

But he never gives me any crap about what I've been 'doing all day' etc etc

EBenes · 28/06/2008 19:14

My dh does absolutely tons around the house - laundry, cooking etc - and tries to spend as much of the day as he can with dd, but... I think no one who doesn't do it understands quite what it's like to not make a move without a toddler, and how full on that is. I mean, just making conversation all day with them, and dh will joke that I just turn on Lazytown and go on the internet all day, but I really have no spare time. I don't doubt that he does as much as he can physically do to support me, but I do think he can't really believe that it is work as other people know it.

JeanieG · 28/06/2008 19:22

I have the same ongoing argument with my DH and have had since I had DD2 and didn't go back to work.
I have just found a job and will be working 20 hours a week and he will have to muck in a bit now. I am assuming he wont think that it's a walk in the park when he is attending to 3 DC's. We'll see!

DD2 is my 3rd and it is the first time I have had an opportunity to be a SAHM as I worked full time from 4 months with the other two, oh and sat 3 A levels a week after DD1 was born. So having been on both sides, I can safely say that IMO being a SAHM is the hardest job I have ever done in my life.

Also, just for the record. He went out in MY car at 10:30am and is STILL out at his friends farm, tinkering with cars.

You should make sure that you enjoy the little time off that you get and grab it while you can without feeling bad. (I should also follow my own advise!)

whatdayisit · 28/06/2008 19:33

Sorry, I haven't read all the posts, but I work part-time, with a lot of men married to SAHM's and I can state categorically that none of them believe how hard it can be. TBH, I sometimes see their point, when their wives are complaining they've bee soooo busy getting their nails done, going to the gym, on a 3 hr shopping trip....The men have to try and squeeze these kind of things into their weekends and then they've got wives who want them to spend time with the children, to the SAHM can have a break!

I know very well how draining being at home full time with small children can be, but some of these men work pretty hard too you know and they get hardly anytime to themselves.

bonio · 28/06/2008 22:19

No not all men.

Some jobs ARE harder than being a sahm or sahd.

Some are easier.

We all argue our own corner about which is which

bonio · 28/06/2008 22:20

I have been both and in my case going out to work was a lot harder than being home with the children

LuckySalem · 28/06/2008 22:21

I don't think all men think that way. My DP does so I feel for you... Hope things get easier for you.

Nighbynight · 28/06/2008 23:05

Well I am the sole breadwinner, and it is a lot harder than being a stay at home parent.

you have to get up in the morning and go out, in my case do a long commute, then look cheerful and interested all day (!) with no time for mumsnetting, work hard, then a long and tiring commute home. I have to be on time to work, I have to deliver my work at the right time, I can only take my lunch break at a set time. I can't even post letters during the week because I never get near a post office.
The worst aspect of it though, is the 100% responsibility for the family finances. If I mess up, or am unlucky, we lose our house (if mortgaged). I used to sit next to a guy who confessed that his heart beat faster every single time someone opened teh double doors at the end of the office. That was how they used to announce redundancies, and this guy's wife was one who felt that her place was at home bringing up her children, so he also had teh sole responsibility. Many people who have never been in this position don't realise how lonely and scarey it is.

so, I can naturally see your partner's point of view.

FairyMum · 28/06/2008 23:24

I personally think that all parents have the "i am more tired" "my life is harder work"-type arguments. We both work FT and still argue about who has the hardest job, who does the most housework, read the most bedtime stories etc. I don;t think these arguments are sahm/wohm-arguments only.