When your parents grandparent badly

[Frimpyfrumpy]

As the title says, it's a grandparent one, more specifically, my mother and my youngest child.
Youngest recently got his A-level results and has an apprenticeship place for next month. On results day there was some uncertainty about whether he'd be able to accept the place or not (it's all sorted now). I didn't tell my mother because I didn't want to get into the whole thing, we are not close, and tbh she's never been interested in DS and has never tried to hide that fact. A few days after results day, I got a very blunt message asking if he got the grades he needed. Still not wanting to go into it, and wanting to protect DS's privacy, I told her he hadn't decided what he wanted to do and was considering other options because he wasn't sure about the commute. I thought this was perfectly reasonable and left no room for criticism or arguing. I was wrong.

She is suddenly very very invested in DS accepting the place. Messaging me to say he's wasting an opportunity, she doesn't understand why he would throw it away, she knows some people she thinks he should speak to for advice, has he accepted it yet, what is he playing at etc etc.

In amongst all this, not a single positive. She hasn't said well done to DS (she hasn't contacted him at all). Just this sudden pressure on me. TBH it's in character but I am just finding it so bizarre. She's never had any interest in him (despite being the exact opposite with the eldest, to the point that I went LC because I felt that I couldn't make her behave but I didn't have to facilitate her behaviour).

DH says she's just a silly old woman, ignore it. But I just don't get why she's so bothered all of a sudden. All I can think is that she's been bragging to other people and is panicking that she might now be made to look foolish. It just really upsets me that she thinks she can behave the way she has, and still think she has the right to an opinion on his choices.

Don’t let her get under your skin. “He’s still considering his options, I’ll update you once he’s decided” and leave it at that. Ignore the rest of her histrionics. You know what she’s like and she won’t change, so don’t give her any more headspace.

You give her too much power in your mind.

Vague.
The diet of Less Information is best for such people ..

Oh wow, I see my own life with my mother flashing before my eyes.
My advice, keep her posted on his and your decisions in the most detached way possible.
She will come round.
Not all women are naturals at this. My mother loved my kids but they were accessories, always dressed up and bragged about to friends . But she did love them, just in her way.
Welcome to the world of ageing parents.
Just please be patient with her. But be firm as well. Often older people...I'm one...have a different frame of reference to life, my mother was delighted when my daughter got her PhD, not for the reward of 4 years gruelling research bit because of the "prestige"....her words. But she was proud, just on her own terms.

Yes, I know, I do over inflate her power. Trying to stop is an ongoing process. I'm trying. It's almost total grey rock now and has been for a long time.

DGPs like this need to be put on an information diet. Continue to push back and deflect/ignore.

My SIL finally exploded at our PIL after too many ‘worried’ comments and questions when DN was going through a difficult time after college. Basically she’d had enough of the inferences that DN was a failure. They’ve not been as bad with our two because they’ve done the conventionally acceptable things - DS1 got a first, has a DofE gold, and got a graduate job straightaway and a year later bought a house. But we still enact the info diet when necessary.

My own DGPs were very different. I was academic, my cousin in the same school year less so, but very talented in other ways. My DGM especially used to express her pride in all of us for our different strengths. None of us were ever made to feel we were a disappointment.

I’ve just remembered that I tried to knock this whole issue on the head before DS2 was even born as I knew they wanted him to be a girl. There were quite a few comments about how they had really wanted a girl (said in front of DH and BIL), and I made it clear that no child of mine would ever be a disappointment etc. I think DH thinks I was too sensitive at times, but I think I realised that they were like this and I wasn’t going to let my DC be affected by it.

@Maray1967 I'm glad it's not just me! It has been strict information diet for years now but occasionally I slip up, and every time I do, I'm reminded why I don't tell her anything. It's partly my own fault for telling her he was offered it in the first place.

It's just so strange that she's very excitedly lecturing me about it but it doesn't even occur to her to say well done to ds.

Ignore. When dd got 3 A*s at A'Level, my mother said "only 3". I put the phone down. She called me back three months later to apologise.

She’s always been like this because her personality dictates so. It’s nothing whatever to do with she being elderly now.

I would reduce all contact levels further down to zero sum. It is not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist and you’re probably one of the few who actually bother with her when she is really not worth bothering about.

She being a narcissist made your eldest the golden child whilst your youngest became the scapegoat/less favoured sibling. I think she’s been bragging to her hangers on (these women cannot do relationships at all and have no real friends) about him and his uni place; thst is why she is currently more invested. It makes her look good in the eyes of others. Have a read of the current Well we took you to Stately homes thread on these pages. Read about NPD and see hoe
much this relates to her behaviour.

Even after you’ve given her all this info, you know you can just not respond to her messages for a week or 2 (or more)?

And then if you feel generous, give a vague update and disengage again. The quicker your responses, the more you’re feeding her. Slow down, disengage. Any questions that require you to explain and justify your or DS’s decision - completely ignore them. You dont owe her detailed explanation and justification.

Drop the rope she holds out to you here. It’s not entirely your fault; you’ve received the Special Training to put your own needs dead last with the parents need first. She will likely continue to rail against any boundary you care to set here. Keep her on a strict information diet.

Precisely why i haven't seen dm since 2012.
She most definitely wasn't qualified to give me parenting advice .

I ignore far more messages than I respond to, tbh and I literally gave her bare minimum info (and what I told her wasn't entirely true).
I always wait a minimum of 2 days before replying to anything. But she just keeps on messaging.

I am just always left completely baffled by her behaviour and tie myself in knots trying to figure it out.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I am an old stately homes poster, haven't been around for a while

Grim for you. In future I would reduce information even further and say 'all fine, he got the results he hoped for'. If your mum draws the wrong conclusion that's her problem.

If I were you, I’d be very forthright at this stage. I’d answer/text back and after her comments, I’d say to her - ‘do you realise you haven’t actually said well done to him?’

The first adult who said ‘well done, you’ve got three A levels’ to DH all those decades was actually my DM. His own parents were upset with his grades.

At least she is not telling you that DS should be going to university, that apprenticeships are worthless and he'll be ruining his life.

(Sorry, I know that doesn't help. I would ignore and go back to talking about the weather. I'm no contact with mine now).

I’m a bit confused as from what you say you didn’t tell her whether he had got the results he needed, but were deliberately vague. So how can she know whether or not to say well done to him? She’s probably frustrated that she doesn’t know whether she can or not.

This is a woman with whom you are not close and do not get on, so she will of course "grandparent badly" from your point of view - how can she do otherwise?

Just say thank you for your ideas - I will let you know how it all goes.

This

How can she do the "right" thing when she is in the dark? Can she ever do the right thing?!

I’d be most upset, in all of this, of the partners dismissive agist mysogyny toward your mother.

‘ just a silly old woman’ is his response.

so…. That’ll be you, in a few years time, then?

errr… this is all rather muddled.

OP can I clarify: DS has received his A level results and accepted a place on an apprenticeship which he starts in a few weeks time.
your DM is asking and you haven’t told her. You’ve strung her along with excuses and lies and she is asking, perfectly reasonably, for a direct answer to how he got on and what he will be doing next.

If I’ve understood correctly, just tell her. Stop playing games.

you are massively making something out of nothing. Why?

It’s nothing of the sort and you are fortunate not to have such a mother in your life.

Ops mother has never shown any interest in DS and only wants to know his results so she can brag to her friends about how good she is.

Firstly, these are DS's grades. They are not OP's to tell other people. If her DM wants to know how he did (bearing in mind this is an 18 year old, not a small child) the most obvious thing to do would be to contact him and have a conversation, during which she would say "well done" or offered supportive words if he'd done less well than he hoped. And she would do it on results day, not get annoyed a few days later because no one had proactively told her.

OP is not giving her mother information due to past history. She knows her mother only wants it for bragging rights. The person who is game playing here is her mother. If you have a genuine relationship with someone you don't only contact them when you want something.

The question you need to ask yourself is how we have ended up in this position.

This is a woman who regularly pressured me to let her take my eldest on holiday (without me) from barely a few months old. She never asked to take DS. Never. When I suggested that she take DS instead, she laughed in my face and said 'oh, I don't think so.'

Please explain how this is my fault.

Because she has a history of awful behaviour, particularly towards my DS.

Therefore I didn't want to be fully transparent about what was going on because she cannot be trusted to be either thoughtful or kind, especially not regarding my DS.

The thing to understand here is that she barely knows my son. She has never spent any time with him. She's never been interested and has made that very clear. It's still clear now. She was told he did fine in his exams. But no effort to reach out to him, to say well done. She has his number. I didn't tell her on the day because of the above. She was not a priority on results day. We had more important things to deal with.

So given that she has no time for him, why the sudden urge to send me multiple messages over this?

How is her behaviour my fault?