How do I leave after years of lies, cheating and addiction?

[Cheatinghusband]

I've (41F) been married to my husband (49m) for 20 years and I honestly don't know who he is anymore.

Everything I thought I knew about him seems to have been a lie.
I've recently discovered that he has had a cocaine addiction for nearly two years and has been driving his children around while high and carrying drugs. He seems to have absolutely no regard for the safety of anyone else.

On top of that, he's been cheating on me, or attempting to, for at least seven years.

I've found countless messages over the years arranging to meet escorts. Every time, there are promises that it will never happen again. However, the last few months have been the worst yet.

In April this year, I discovered he'd actually met an escort and paid her £300. He'd saved her as a WhatsApp contact, so I contacted her and she confirmed everything. He even tried to cover the payment with photoshopped receipts. His excuse was that he thought I was cheating on him. I've never cheated on him.

In May, I found a dick pic on his laptop and discovered he was using Stripchat. He'd spent thousands paying women to strip for him and was messaging them about me - telling them our marriage was over, that I was unreasonable and that he wanted to leave me for them.
We separated, talked everything through and agreed on boundaries, honesty and transparency.

Then in June, while he was away on a work trip, I noticed suspicious payments. He said they were work-related. When he returned, I found him logged into Stripchat again. More money spent, more messages, including paying 18-year-old girls to undress and trying to arrange to meet another woman.

We separated again.

Then I discovered the cocaine addiction and fake email accounts. He agreed to stop taking drugs, have regular drug tests, start counselling and attend couples counselling.

In July, I discovered he had purchased a second mobile phone to hide his location. He would leave one phone at work which was sharing his location and take the second phone out whenever he wanted to 'go for a drive'

More lies.

And now it's August.

Things had seemed calmer. He was giving me little snippets of information and acting as though he was finally being honest.

The night before another seven-day work trip, he fell asleep drunk. I looked at his phone and found a search for "escorts in Las Vegas."
He says he was drunk and doesn't intend to meet anyone.

I've also discovered that he's visited massage parlours for "happy endings" and has paid women for sexual services on at least two occasions in May.

And here I am, once again, heartbroken and wondering why I am still contemplating having a relationship with this man.

I know I need to leave, this is the advice that I would give anyone else. But I don't know how to start my life again, as a woman in her 40s.

Kindly why are you wasting your precious time on this earth with this disgusting man? How will you feel wasting another 10 years and asking Mumsnet if you should leave aged 51? What you know is the tip of a gross iceberg. He will have spent thousands and thousands on sex workers and drugs. Don't bring your children up around him, he is behaving dangerously and you know it.
You are clinging on to tiny slivers that it might not be as bad as deep down you know it is. He pays for sex workers, has done for years, has a coke addiction. You know who he is. He will never change, you must know.
You haven't said what your financial and housing situation is but start to reach out to put a plan together. Get in touch with family, friends anybody who can help. Get benefits advice. Look for housing. Be strong and practical. See a positive vision of your future away from this grimness.
Starting out again at 41 is nothing compared to living out your days like this. Peace is something you cannot understand until you leave and experience it. Good luck x

Honestly being single will be multitudes better than being in this miserable situation. Please book an appointment at Citizens Advice Bureau or get some other form of legal advice so you know what you'll have to do to leave and what you might be entitled to take with you.

How do I leave after years of lies, cheating and addiction?
As quickly as possible

For a start you need to stop "contemplating having a relationship with this man" and come to terms with the fact that your marriage isn't worth the certificate, and that his vows no longer mean anything to him.

Go and see a solicitor. Do cashback at the supermarket and sneak out the payment in cash if you're worried he's going to kick off. Establish what your assets are.

Speak to Women's Aid or a counsellor or therapist - you are not in a heathy relationship. Mentally, you need someone on your side who has some distance.

If you aren't ready to leave now, then at least check out emotionally. His behaviour is not the behaviour of a man who loves you or his family.

Finally, do not let the thought of a future without this man scare you. It can't possibly be worse than the past or the present. You are young, intelligent, and deserve to give yourself the best life possible, and that's one without him in it.

Ruuuuuuun for the hills. You will be so much happier. Do not look back.

That is disrespectful of him to do this to you. Why have you given him so many chances , he knows you will just come back after a lack of lies and promises he thinks you’ve swollowed

Do yourself a massive favour and leave him
he’s got an addiction to woman - stripping, massage , escorts .
I really hope you’ve had an STI test

You don’t say anything about if you
work
children
rent.mortgage house
joint tenancy or joint mortgage
joint bank account Is he running debt up in a joint account?

See a solicitor to discuss your options make sure you know everything about your living situation, mortgage? Rented? Take copies of bank statements for all the accounts you can find. Find paperwork about pensions and other investments.
And if I were you, next time he is driving under the influence, especially with children in the car, ring the police and report him

My god OP, you have put up with and forgiven a lot. You say you don't know him at all but of course you do - he's a liar, a cheat, a sleaze and a drug user - that is who he is.

You say you don't know how to start your life again as a woman in your 40s - do you not think that your life without him would be immeasurably more peaceful and free? Instead of all your time and attention being focused on this man and his shitty behaviour, you'd have time and energy to spend on what YOU want to do. Think of all the ways you could spend your time - new hobbies, new friends, new adventures! A peaceful home life where you can please yourself - eat what you want without having to consider anyone else, watch what you want, sleep in peace not having to worry about what he's up to. You can join an exercise class, a ladies sports team or running group, plan some wonderful trips to visit places you've always wanted to see, do some volunteering, become active and interested in your community.

Your life with this abusive man is small and miserable. There's a big wide world out there, full of opportunities! Leave the bastard and grab onto your new life with both hands! You deserve happiness and most of all, you deserve peace.

You have children. He is a danger to them. Walk away now and make sure that if he's going to have access to the kids it is supervised and he doesn't drive with them.

You are still young and have many good years ahead of you. Don't waste another second with him. He is not the person you thought or hoped he would be. Don't let attachment or fear of the unknown stop you from freeing yourself from this and protecting your kids.

You are not doing anyone any favors by accepting his lies and making excuses for him. Just make the decision to leave and do it.

I can’t think of one reason to stay. Why are you tolerating this?

I’m sorry but what the hell would he have to do to make you leave? Addicts are liars , you cannot believe one word they say even after they are supposed to be clean. What’s your housing and financial situation like? Cocaine bankrupts people and ruins lives.

Thank you everyone for your honest replies. I think I needed to hear this.

We have two teenage children together, the mortgage is in his name and our finances are completely intertwined. I work, but we have so much debt that I don’t have enough left to simply rent somewhere and start again.

He’s away with work for a week, which is giving me some time to think and hopefully start planning our separation. Ideally, I’d like him to leave the family home. He has little interest in family life and is very focused on work, and I don’t want the children and me to be the ones uprooting our lives.

I think the biggest reason I’ve stayed is because I’m terrified of being on my own. I have no family or close friends, and he and my children have been my whole world for 20 years.

I feel trapped and helpless, but I know I can’t continue like this forever. I just don’t know where to start, particularly financially.

But I don't know how to start my life again, as a woman in her 40s

@Cheatinghusband A journey of a thousand miles starts with one step. Your current life has been destroyed by him, and it isn't going to bet any better if you stay, is it?

This is exactly what I need to do. Last month, when I found out about more lies, I started looking into hobbies and trips and almost booked a solo cruise, but then I chickened out. I’ve never done anything on my own and the thought of it terrifies me, but no more. I’m going to book a trip for when he returns and start learning to enjoy life without him. I just need to muster up the courage to take that first step. ❤️

If you contact Women's Aid, I'm sure they'll be able to advise you on the practical steps you'll need to take including who to approach for financial advice.

You have children, so it's not as though you'll have no-one in your life when you leave this waste of space. You're also not the only person starting a social life from scratch in your forties, I'm guessing that with teenage children you'll have a bit more freedom to go and join some activities. Love the idea of a solos cruise - so many people on solos/singles holidays will be just as nervous as you. You can do it!

You can do it my lovely! You will find strength you didn't know you had, I promise. It's ok to feel the anxiety and fear of doing something new and doing it alone but push on and do it anyway! I'm rooting for you ✊️

He sounds awful, clearly you need to leave him, but I think get legal and financial advice before you make any plans.
You say "we" have massive debt...whose name is the debt in? is it secured against the house?
You need to find out how much equity there is in the house, and as it is in his name, you should register your rights in it, so that it can't be sold ( or repossessed) without you at least having notice.
I think your talk of going on a cruise is unrealistic - if you say you can't afford to live without his financial input, and finances are the reason you've given for staying with him, spending thousands on a cruise is not going to improve your position. I suspect you need to be squirrelling money away, not spending it. I know this doesn't seem fair given how much he is spending on drugs and sex workers, but you have to think how you can move forward. I'd be looking at getting every penny you can from him now, because there won't be much left on paper at least if you divorce him. Things like getting out extra cash when you do a supermarket shop, if it's coming out of his account or a joint account. Put what money you do have somewhere he can't access it, find out what benefits you might be entitled to, and make a proper plan.

It’s effectively constructive dismissal ie he’s behaved so badly you literally have no choice but to end it anyway. So he has ended it himself by his outrageous behaviour that no reasonable person would be able
to put up with.

But you are already on your own - in fact you are worse than on your own because you are stuck in a toxic mess with a man whose secret behaviour makes him a stranger to you. I suspect you will be vastly LESS lonely outside this awful marriage than you are inside it. More chance to make friends, to be with your kids in a calm atmosphere, to scale up your work, to control your own time, etc. and as for saying you can’t afford to leave because of the debt, the longer you stay, the worse it will get as he spends more on escorts and strippers and so on. At least once you divorce, you can manage your money and his debt is no longer anything to do with you.

Finally, I have at least one friend who now absolutely refuses to have anything to do with her mother because she feels her mother should have separated from her father many years ago to protect her and her brother from her father’s behaviour. I think the mum thought that she was doing what was best for the children by not splitting up the family and letting them be in the bigger house, have more money for extras etc. But all my friend sees is her mother having been the pawn of a pathetic man whose disregard for the family tainted her teenage years. You don’t want this to be you.

This is really great advice OP, hope you take it.

You're a woman in your 40s. So what? It's great - it's the point at which you stop giving a fuck about people who don't prioritise you. You're not a leper.
Do stop wasting your life on this idiot, use any constructive advice you get here about planning exit etc but for the love of god, before the year is out, serve this disloyal, unfaithful, hot mess with some long overdue divorce papers and start afresh.

“But I don't know how to start my life again, as a woman in her 40s.”
“I’ve never done anything on my own and the thought of it terrifies me, but no more”

You married at 21 and missed the opportunity of your 20s to live independently. But the flipside is you’re still young (very early 40s) and your DCs are already teenagers. It’s your time now.

FWIW, my mum was 18 when she married my dad and 52 when their divorce was finalised. She had a brilliant post-divorce life. Sadly, she died youngish (67) buy those 15 years were great and, in due course, included a second marriage to a wonderful man.

You’ve got this, OP. Don’t allow fear of the unknown to keep you in a sham of a marriage.

He's currently away, and when he called me from the car today, I noticed he'd left our Life360 circle. I had checked Life360 at around 1am and he was still in the circle. When I checked again at around 2pm today, he was no longer in it.

I called him to ask why he'd left. He said he didn't know how it had happened and that he hadn't even been on the app.
When I got home, I checked his emails and found an email from Life360 at 4am saying he'd requested to delete his account. He had deleted the email, but I managed to recover it.

I called him again and gave him the opportunity to explain. Initially, he said he didn't know how the email had been deleted. Then it became that he had deleted it because he thought I'd assume he'd deliberately left the Life360 circle. He said he'd been playing with his phone at around 5am his time and must have accidentally clicked something.

I've actually checked the process myself. To delete the account, you have to go through several steps and then confirm the deletion via email. It's not something you accidentally do with a couple of taps.

He still insists he didn't deliberately delete it and that he "didn't do anything" last night.

But the day before he left, I caught him searching for escorts in the country hat he is visiting.

So now he's away, he's disappeared from Life360 sometime between 1am and 2pm, there's a 4am email confirming he requested the account deletion, he's deleted that email, and he's insisting it was all accidental.

I honestly don't know what to believe anymore.

Come on luv , he’s a lying little shit . He isn’t going to change .
your going to be saying to yourself in 10 yrs time
why didn’t I go back then when I was younger !

I am very sorry OP. He doesn’t sound like he’s going to make you happy and you are free to leave this relationship at any time.
I would first think practically. Do you work? Can you get a job or a better job? Do you have any savings? Women’s Aid and Refuge have information leaflets or you could consult a lawyer - you’d generally be entitled to 50 percent of marital assets if you are married.

Good luck with making the change.