Am I overthinking his self-centred behaviour, or are these warning signs?

[Gamer26]

I'm in my late forties, recently met a man in his mid fifties, been dating six months give or take a few weeks now.

I've noticed a few things, not sure if they're red flags as such, but stuff that pisses me off. I'm kind of sitting back and observing now as it were. I know us humans are always on our best behaviour at the start of dating and people take time to reveal themselves.

Right from the start with him, though, I noticed he very often just doesn't stop talking. He barely pauses for breath, when he does, and another person tries to speak, he just keeps going. I notice he does it with his adult children as well, so it's not just me. I thought it was nerves at first, but it isn't. He also seems to manage to make every single conversation about him.

A couple of examples. Over the weekend I was talking about renovation work that I'm planning for my house, which needs seriously updating from the 70s. He managed to turn the conversation onto his daughter, who is dating a man with a lot of money who owns a Grade I listed property, which from the sounds of things, is a bit of a pile and needs a whole load of specialised work doing to it. He mentions this a lot, it seems to make him feel good to know his daughter is dating a man with money and prospects, but we were talking about my house, not him, or her, or her boyfriend. I tried to ease back into my plans for the back garden, but off he went again, repeating a story I have heard at least 5 or 6 times now.

On Friday, my mother and I both felt as if we were coming down with something and I texted him to say I wouldn't be meeting with him as we both felt off colour. On Saturday, when I rang him, he banged on about himself for pretty much one hour before asking how my mother was doing. When I said we were both feeling much better there was just silence and then he changed the subject. I don't think he had even read my text that we were ill.

When I had flu earlier in the year, I was ill for two weeks and not once did he ask me if I needed any groceries dropping off.

I saw him earlier today and he did help me out with something, he said he owed me a few favours after I had helped him out, but then immediately afterwards expected a shoulder rub when I was exhausted from lifting furniture. We had a couple of beers together and some dinner and then I got the last bus home. He hasn't even bothered to ask me if I have got in safely. I live in a very safe area, but that pisses me off, it feels like a total lack of care. I could see he was online on Whatsapp for ages after I got back in ..... not to sound like a teenager here.... but he could have just checked in on me.

Feeling as if I'm just a convenience to him in some ways. Like someone to talk at, to get shoulder rubs from and to keep him company when he feels lonely.

He sounds very very boring and I couldn't be doing with that never mind the rest of his shortcomings.

Chuntering ha ha.... well it certainly seems to be endless, as someone else said, I am merely an audience for him. I think the reason I haven't legged it up until now is that, believe it or not, when he does actually listen, when he finally manages to focus on someone else for more than a minute, he can be very wise and kind, but then once he starts and interrupts, he's just gone.

Someone earlier also mentioned ADHD, but it's still no excuse even if he does have it and it's undiagnosed. I am neurodivergent but I don't have to fill every quiet gap with jabbering on and on about myself.

The issue with not checking up on me is that he usually does. I got in around 11.15 pm and I could see him online. He had said sleep well in a text while I was on the way home, but no "are you back home safe?", which he usually does. I sent a text to tell him I was back in. It sat unread until 6 am this morning, but he was online on Whatsapp until shortly before midnight.

It doesnt sound like there is a great connection, in any way. He sounds self centered, detached and not showing much interest in you. He probably enjoys having someone to talk AT and sex, not much past that.

I would find this relationship very lacking.

You're right. We do laugh together though, sometimes, we seem to share a similar sense of humour. That's not enough for a longer term, more serious relationship however.

Oh and as it turns out, he's not really interested in sex with me either. He hasn't actually said he's asexual, but I have my suspicions.

This shouldnt' even be a question. YOu've been seeing a man for 6 months who, i thas become clear, is NOT long term partner material. He's boring, self absorbed and there's insufficient sex.

end it and move on.

So it seems all you get out of this relationship is an occasional laugh and occasional good advice. I’d set about finding a female friend to give you that op, far less complicated!

Oh. So he’s after a relationship where he can just chunter at someone, without getting too involved in any other ways.

Im sure there is a right woman out there for him (maybe). It doesnt sound like it’s you though…

Oh believe me, if I'd had a pound for every time I've said (shouted) that at him I'd have at least £5K.

The ability to listen to people and stop thinking about themselves for more than 5 seconds seems to be an ability these types of men sorely lack.

100% red flags - also any bad things men have in their personality just get worse as they get older - he should be thinking of you and feel a need within him to think and care about how you are

He sounds bloody awful. Get rid proto.
I have a friend (loosely said) who is like this. I was talking about my dad who had recently passed away to another friend (B), friend (A) interrupts me and starts talking about her neighbor...who I don't know and don't care about...I lifted my palm up and Said, "Do you mind, I haven't finished talking to friend (B) and this is important to me " Friend B had also recently lost her dad so we were grieving in similar ways. Friend A got really stroppy and walked off but I am glad I pulled her up, cause she does it all the time .

I strongly believe that there are actually quite a lot of people out there who say they want a partner and connection, and would be hurt if you suggested otherwise, but they arent interested in having a connection with Amy Smith, complete individual with hopes and dreams and quirks, they just want a warm body who is okay company who they can talk at. Worst part is, im not even sure its malicious, I think they just think thats what every partnership is like because they are so self involved they dont stop to ask what they give the other person on a connection level. This guy sounds like that.

Sounds a bit like my ex. He got worse with time. Sometimes I wondered if some small animal had climbed in his ear and hollowed out his brain. He seemed to have no self-awareness. At the end of the relationship he proved that he was fully egocentric and entitled. Big disappointment as a husband.

I would have a final date with him but be absolutely honest. Every time he starts on a story, I would interrupt and say "I've heard this already", "I was speaking, let me finish please", "can you stop talking please, as you haven't taken a breath so far". His reaction will then tell you all you need to know. If he's genuinely surprised that he's doing it and a bit of self awareness creeps in and he stops for a while until you tell him again, fair enough. The more likely thing is that he'll get annoyed with you stopping him talking and at which point you leave and call the whole thing off.

Agree with this. I’ve encountered a lot of men who just want “somebody” and aren’t at all concerned about who that person is beyond a superficial level.

There are high numbers of men’s profiles on online dating which is simply a list of what they want from a woman. Absolutely nothing about what they offer, and I think that’s because it literally hasn’t crossed their minds as relevant.

So true. There seems to be hordes of couples (it’s possibly even ‘most’) who don’t like each other at all. As if it’s compulsory to be in a relationship.

I know a bloke like this. It’s exhausting.

He's a cocaine addict.

You've only been dating 6 months, just call a halt to things, he's annoying you anyway so nothing lost

He doesn’t care about you. Trust your gut.

Give him the elbow. This sort of can't stop talking about himself and never listens to what you say man is not to be tolerated.
👎

After only 6 months? Yuk. You know what you need to do.

My sister does this, she has aspergers.