Long time lurker, first time poster.
To cut to the chase I have found texts on my husbands phone to a male friend of his that effectively end my marriage. My spidey sense has been in overdrive recently although the actual signs that all was not well were/are fairly subtle. Small but noticeable changes to his mood (short with me and our child frequently), more distant but not by much and always easily explained as tiredness, work stresses etc. Unfortunately for him, my intuition has always been very strong and my bullshit radar is unmatched.
He was out with work colleagues this week and fell asleep with his phone unlocked and in his hand. I woke up in the middle of the night and went through it which I'm not even a tiny bit sorry about.
Anyway, hes had a friend from adolescence who I have never liked. He's a pompous, arrogant prick and I keep my distance. The friend is also married with children. My raging spidey sense made me check their WhatsApp conversations and of course, I was right to.
Interspersed with every day life sort of chat are links to porn. Some of its your typical stuff but there is also a huge amount of gay/transsexual - basically a total penis fest. Now. I could ALMOST get my head around this. Human sexuality is complex and I know that its normal for people who identify as heterosexual to fantasise about sex with someone with the same body parts as them. However, what I cannot get over is the sexually charged nature of their discussions. Its not just discussing the content but discussing how theyre wanking, how hard they came. These messages go back months and probably longer but I'd seen enough to know that this is an established pattern between them. More recently the messages are of my husband discussing wanting to buy a sex toy and has shared with his friend all the things he has shoved up his arse. Again, if this was something my husband broached with me and pitched it as something he wanted to try in the bedroom, great. We have a good sex life and I am by no means a prude. However, no mention of this has ever been made to me. Things appear to have escalated around a month ago when they were exchanging messages of a wildly graphic nature about my husbands excitement at being abroad with work and nothing to do but pleasure himself in the evenings. My husband has also mentioned an upcoming work trip I have where he will be alone as his mother is watching our child due to the nature of his job and him not being able to be available in the evenings quite often. There doesnt seem to be any plans (yet) for him to have sex with anyone else but he makes mention of basically wanting a dick to enjoy and it almost reads as testing the waters to see if this friend takes the bait. He didnt but the sexualised chats do continue.
Obviously my marriage is over. Theres no coming back from this as far as I'm concerned. Even if he's not in denial about being gay and this is all fantasy, the deal breaker for me is the sexually charged conversations with someone who isnt me.
Our financial position isnt the worst but its not the greatest either. All of our money goes into the one account and everything gets paid from that. I have no separate money or finances because I genuinely never believed I would need to. More fool me. We jointly own our home and have a high number of outgoings. As it stands, I cannot buy him out of his share of our home nor can I afford the mortgage. My parents are financially well off and I do think there is scope for them to bail me out so that our child doesnt have to leave the only home he has ever known but that's not a right now problem.
I took pictures of all the messages and have them in a password protected folder on my phone. I plan to start quietly getting information together such as his pension stuff, important documents relating to our home etc. I would like to have as many of my ducks in a row as possible before confronting him and telling him that I want a divorce.
How on earth do I "play it cool"? I am incandescent with rage as well as trying not to think about the betrayal, my entire adult life being a lie and the lasting impact on our child. I cannot go there as I will fall apart and I need to be strong. I dont want him getting even a hint that all is not rosy.
If anyone has been in a similar situation I really would welcome any advice or words of wisdom on how to muddle through until its time to confront him.