Another lying bastard. Help me play the long game.

[WellWTFisthis]

Long time lurker, first time poster.

To cut to the chase I have found texts on my husbands phone to a male friend of his that effectively end my marriage. My spidey sense has been in overdrive recently although the actual signs that all was not well were/are fairly subtle. Small but noticeable changes to his mood (short with me and our child frequently), more distant but not by much and always easily explained as tiredness, work stresses etc. Unfortunately for him, my intuition has always been very strong and my bullshit radar is unmatched.
He was out with work colleagues this week and fell asleep with his phone unlocked and in his hand. I woke up in the middle of the night and went through it which I'm not even a tiny bit sorry about.
Anyway, hes had a friend from adolescence who I have never liked. He's a pompous, arrogant prick and I keep my distance. The friend is also married with children. My raging spidey sense made me check their WhatsApp conversations and of course, I was right to.
Interspersed with every day life sort of chat are links to porn. Some of its your typical stuff but there is also a huge amount of gay/transsexual - basically a total penis fest. Now. I could ALMOST get my head around this. Human sexuality is complex and I know that its normal for people who identify as heterosexual to fantasise about sex with someone with the same body parts as them. However, what I cannot get over is the sexually charged nature of their discussions. Its not just discussing the content but discussing how theyre wanking, how hard they came. These messages go back months and probably longer but I'd seen enough to know that this is an established pattern between them. More recently the messages are of my husband discussing wanting to buy a sex toy and has shared with his friend all the things he has shoved up his arse. Again, if this was something my husband broached with me and pitched it as something he wanted to try in the bedroom, great. We have a good sex life and I am by no means a prude. However, no mention of this has ever been made to me. Things appear to have escalated around a month ago when they were exchanging messages of a wildly graphic nature about my husbands excitement at being abroad with work and nothing to do but pleasure himself in the evenings. My husband has also mentioned an upcoming work trip I have where he will be alone as his mother is watching our child due to the nature of his job and him not being able to be available in the evenings quite often. There doesnt seem to be any plans (yet) for him to have sex with anyone else but he makes mention of basically wanting a dick to enjoy and it almost reads as testing the waters to see if this friend takes the bait. He didnt but the sexualised chats do continue.
Obviously my marriage is over. Theres no coming back from this as far as I'm concerned. Even if he's not in denial about being gay and this is all fantasy, the deal breaker for me is the sexually charged conversations with someone who isnt me.
Our financial position isnt the worst but its not the greatest either. All of our money goes into the one account and everything gets paid from that. I have no separate money or finances because I genuinely never believed I would need to. More fool me. We jointly own our home and have a high number of outgoings. As it stands, I cannot buy him out of his share of our home nor can I afford the mortgage. My parents are financially well off and I do think there is scope for them to bail me out so that our child doesnt have to leave the only home he has ever known but that's not a right now problem.
I took pictures of all the messages and have them in a password protected folder on my phone. I plan to start quietly getting information together such as his pension stuff, important documents relating to our home etc. I would like to have as many of my ducks in a row as possible before confronting him and telling him that I want a divorce.
How on earth do I "play it cool"? I am incandescent with rage as well as trying not to think about the betrayal, my entire adult life being a lie and the lasting impact on our child. I cannot go there as I will fall apart and I need to be strong. I dont want him getting even a hint that all is not rosy.
If anyone has been in a similar situation I really would welcome any advice or words of wisdom on how to muddle through until its time to confront him.

Thank you for this, it is really helpful advice. Planning to open my own bank account and have been searching for solicitors so I can go and get some advice.
I am a good actor and think I can just about hold my nerve but Im find it so difficult!!! I wont be having sex with him, I just couldn't after such a deep and unforgivable betrayal. I have a lot going on at work so will just use that as an excuse as to why Im not wanting to have sex.

Thank you for such a lovely and kind reply 🩷

Literally. Ive never discussed anything in such graphic and intimate detail with anyone except for him!!!

I'd say you will get through this by focusing on your dc and making sure they see everything is as normal. That's your job now, and you will need to treat it as that until he is gone. Be polite to him, talk to him as if you are still the same person he knows and try and blank out what he's done as far as possible. You don't want more details, you've seen enough and your decision is made. See the objective of him leaving as 'the far hill' that you can see ahead and will aim for and focus on that to stay motivated. You're strong and will get through this.

Youre right. This is such a helpful way to look at it. I dont feel strong but I also know that I cannot let this destroy me so will draw on strength somehow!

This x 1000. As soon as it is shared with someone outside of the relationship that takes it into different and - in my opinion - unforgivable territory. What a fucking mess.

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this. Although you had suspicions that something was going on , it will have still been a shock to you .

Not the same circumstances for me , but I too had suspicions and found some incriminating stuff too with more coming out .

i think as others have said try and not keep it all to yourself . I would reach out to a close friend / your parents if you think they will be able to be discreet and not alert your H .

We all have our lines in the sand when it comes to relationships boundaries and I don’t see this one as borderline at all . It isn’t particularly helpful to hear from others that it wouldn’t be relationship breaking for them .

Likewise we all have our breaking points of how long we can stay quiet , live with and try and be normal after such a devastating revelation .
I lasted less than a week and found I wasn’t sleeping and going a bit crazy .

So be kind to yourself , look after yourself physically and emotionally. Do what you can , get legal advice , have a back up plan . Please don’t feel guilty / beat yourself up for what you do / don’t do going forward .It is not you that has broken the relationship but your H .

You are only human and unless you are an amazing actor it is very difficult to maintain this position for a long period of time .

@WellWTFisthis

How do you 'maintain' until you have your ducks in a row? You do it by using that same hidden strength that allows a human to lift a car off a person in moments of intense emotion. There's really no why or how, you just DO.

I think if you keep your eyes on the prize (getting out and getting divorced in a way that benefits you) you'll be able to pull the wool over his eyes. Keep to your regular 'schedule' as much as possible. If you find yourself 'cracking', don't be afraid to exploit any reason you can think of for being 'off' (headache, cramps, upset tummy) you can get away with, just be judicious. If he has hobbies or activities that take him out of the house or engage him completely encourage him and wave him off happily, assuming it wouldn't be too much of a volte face. If you have a good reason to be out, use it to go for a walk, see a friend, anything. As far as sex, well, you do what you have to do to keep him in ignorance, there's nothing wrong with that. Just be sure that you are using extremely reliable contraception.

As far as telling your parents, give consideration to whether or not they'd be able to know and still act normally if they see him and whether or not they'd be able to keep things to themselves. If not, best to keep quiet, for now. If so, you don't have to go into the gross details. At best you can tell them that 'things aren't good' and you aren't happy and want out. At worst that you suspect him of being unfaithful without going into details.

I suggest before you tell them that you see a solicitor. Find out what's what and what a divorce may mean to you. Take a 'snapshot' of finances; yours, his, and joint incomes and assets. And especially the mortgage details to help you know whether a buyout is practical before you ask your parents. Think also about what you'd like as child arrangements and discuss those too. Knowledge is power, forewarned is forearmed. You don't have to 'do anything' you are just educating yourself.

If you have one friend or relative that you trust implicitly to keep your confidence, tell them now. Having someone to lean on and blow off steam to can help immensely.

Remember, keeping the status quo will benefit you greatly in the long run. Blowing your top now will not. You'll get your moment to give it to him with both barrels. Til then just keep repeating "The time will come, the time will come". Because it will.

It is a mess but at least you know now and can step forward positively to start on your new path.
Speak to a solicitor. Find a paper trail pensions, deeds, payslips etc.
Keep your head as long as you can. And move as quickly as you feel you can. 💐

Make a dummy account on Fabswingers and search for users matching his rough age/sex/location. See if you can find him on there. Lots of cheating men use that site, especially those into that kind of shit.

Each to their own but @WellWTFisthis is best just using her energy for moving forward with her new life, looking after herself and her child. She has enough evidence to decide her marriage is over, she has more than enough unwanted drama.

This is absolutely fantastic advice, I've screenshotted your post and will read it when I feel my resolve weakening. I feel physically sick constantly and I am desperate to confront him but know this isnt going to serve me well in the long run. Thank you 🩷

Agreed. I have no interest in doing more digging. If theres more then it will all come out in the wash, it always does. I do not have the mental capacity to uncover anything else. I have enough information.

Im really sorry you are navigating a similar situation. Thank you for sharing your experience, I appreciate it.

You're quite welcome. Completely different situation and reason for me, but I've been at that place of 'say nothing, plan everything', but mine was more of an "if I decide to leave" situation rather than "I'm done!". But when the time came that I had to leave I was able to leave swiftly and with ducks in a row. I am retired and my children are grown and the laws of the US state I live in guaranteed that my claim on our house (which I don't want) wouldn't be affected. You have a home you want and young DC so even more reason to keep your cool than I had.

I will warn you that in this 'waiting time', from time to time you will feel that fury boiling up from your belly and a strong, almost irresistible, desire to 'blow'. But you must push that down with all you've got. Again, I speak from experience. I can't count the times I had to 'go to the loo', 'check the mail', or 'run to the store' to get myself away to do some deep breathing. But you can do it, I know you can. We have an amazing sense of self preservation which gives us strength. But even so, that chance of 'blowing' is a good reason not to dawdle in seeing a solicitor. Once you've done that, you'll have the knowledge you need to make a firm plan

My exh was outed by his best friend. They had fallen out and his friend come round while he was out and told me everything. This was over 30 years ago so before texts etc really. Exh had been meeting men in toilets and on nights in lorry parks. I asked friend to keep quiet to give me time to get out safely.

I always suspected dh was at least bi. We had dc, he controlled all the money and I knew if I confronted him he’d simply kick me out. Things were very different back then. So I started squirrelling money away, got a new bank account, stashed birth certs etc. to cover the fact I didn’t want me near my physically I lied that my new birth control (youngest was ten months old) was effecting me and making me bleed. I put my moods down to that too.

I saw my gp and had tests. I did have an std. bastard.

over the course of six months I let some close family know and they helped us flee. Then facilitated child access for a year or so.

how I kept a poker face when I wanted to rip his face off I just do not know. How I kept myself from laughing when he’d booked a few days off work and suprised me by having a vasectomy absolutely oblivious that I was leaving him oh my god lol!.

you’ll get through this. He’s obviously bi/gay and it doesn’t matter what it’s that he’s betrayed you. All the best x

Can you go for a quick jog in the morning before the house wakes up and listen to some sweary music? Might just help with putting the shock and anger somewhere.

You sound like you've got a plan and the password protected file is definitely the way to go. Best of luck!

Just a quick thought, are you 100% sure that it is that particular man he is messaging? Ie that it isnt someone else but saved under that familiar friend's name? I guess it doesn't make a difference to what he's done but its not uncommon for an affair person to be saved under a false/misleading name on the phone. Good luck in making your plans to exit - horrible situation.

Urgh I hope your sti tests are negative.

My dil found evidence my ds had been meeting men for sex .

Poor lass was fucking traumatised.

Never told ds I knew.

But I hope you out him to his family. No way should you take any blame for the end of your marriage.

Sorry he is such a disgusting man.
I don't get it at all.

I'm 37 weeks pregnant and found my OH has been liking hundreds of naked women online on social media, nice. Who knows what else he has done.

Good luck.

Wish i was as composed as you x

That must have been a terrible shock. I really hope your parents can help you out so that you can buy him out. I would certainly do that for my children if I could afford to.

OP
What more do you need to end things?

I have plenty gay friends who have dated or hooked up with a "straight" married man on grinder, it's amazing how common this is.

Gosh, I'm sorry you're going through this OP. What a horrendous situation!

I think AcrossthePond has given excellent advice and I don't have much I can add to that. What I will say though is that, if you don't have anyone IRL that you can discuss this with, you can always use this forum to let off steam or get support as you move forward. Many women have done similar and there are many genuine posters here who will support and carry you along the way. If you feel the Relationships section is too visible then there's a separate section called Off The Beaten Track (OTBT) which is partially hidden and doesn't come up automatically on people's "active topics" feed, you have to go looking for it.

I wish you much strength as you navigate this and hope that your parents, when you eventually divulge to them (and you don't have to give them ALL the gory details), are able to support you through.