I really don’t want these relatives to stay with me

[rookiemere]

So I started a thread a few weeks ago about my circumstances .https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5560531-to-not-pay-their-air-fare?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share DPs are very elderly and after a gradual deterioration, there was a steep decline over the past year and thankfully they are now in a care home close to me, rather than an hour’s drive away.
It has been a very tough time, I am an only DC although DH has been wonderful. My work contract ended and because I was going up and down to DPs for everything I only managed to get a low paid part time job and I am really just getting over and processing things at the minute.

Anyway long back story and more in the linked thread, but DF is from another country originally. He has been very generous to his nieces - my cousins - and offered to pay for their air fares to visit as their DF died quite young in difficult circumstances. Two of my cousins pay their own way, but one has made the trip annual and they pay for her DH as well. All fine and totally up to DPs as their money. Except last couple of years DPs not well enough to host them so they stayed with us. They are hideous house guests. The DH stays out late every night, my cousin sits round the house most of the day waiting for him to wake up, so there’s always someone around, they don’t contribute to groceries and he drunk most of DHs expensive whiskey and the DH talks a lot incessantly.

So I got an email saying they wanted to come over to see my DPs and asking for addresses of B&Bs . My other thread was should their air fare still be paid and as a result of that I offered a reasonable amount from DPs account ( this has all now been checked from a PoA perspective so that’s all fine ). I didn’t hear from her for a couple of weeks so I chased on dates, only to get a snippy email saying she had been busy, they weren’t sure if they would get a financial contribution for the flights so that was great, saying how worried they were about my DM when it’s always been about seeing DF and if I was absolutely sure it was ok, they would love to stay with us. Except I didn’t offer for them to stay with us - DH has put his foot down and said they can’t stay for the whole visit. I basically talked him into letting them stay for 2 nights.

Because I am a craven people pleaser, I emailed back and said they could stay 2 nights but no more, and since then crickets. And now the more I think about it the angrier I get. They weren’t rushing to come over when I was on my knees trying to manage two DPs at home with dementia. They sure as heck won’t be chipping in if the care home fees run out. There’s more but this is already a super long OP. I just feel so upset about the whole thing, up until now I had been blaming cousins DH for being the CF but her latest email was pretty emotionally manipulative. If it wasn’t for my DF and not wanting to fall out with other cousins, I would just tell them to F-off. I don’t know what I want from this thread, maybe some good sentences to use with them.

Oh ffs. Just email and say “not heard back from you but actually lots going on so won’t work for us to have you stay. Best to book your b&b for whole stay.

You really need to grow a back bone here. Just be brief and direct. You don’t owe them accommodation.

Sorry I should have said in my OP, although DF doesn’t retain much these days, there’s a long family tradition of hosting people when they come over from his native country and he would be very upset when they visited him if they said I hadn’t let them stay. The 2 night thing was a way of getting over that without hosting them for the whole time.
DFs dementia is at the point where he can cope with nice short calm, happy conversations and it’s easier to justify a short stay rather than none.

Stop prodding them and if they ask again, send them a link to AIRBNB.

’Dear Grabby Relative,

just to keep you in the loop our end, work is super busy since we last messaged and sadly we won’t be able to have you to stay whilst you are in the country. I had a quick look on Airbnb and there are some super places that would be suitable for you all, you will know far better than me the type of accommodation you require so I shall leave it with you.

Do let me know when you have finalised your dates, flights etc

Best Rookie’

If you have them to stay for two nights they're still going to complain that you're inhospitable. You might as well tell them that since you didn't hear back from them it's not convenient for them to stay.

Wouldn't your dad also be upset that they've let you be run ragged and had your income affected while they're done naff all to help though?

Don't feel guilty.

I agree with the other posters saying drop another text/email saying haven't heard from them and they can't stay at all now and suggesting some nice airbnbs.

Worst case scenario they throw their toys out of the pram and don't come. Who cares. Stop trying to please people who don't care about you.

I’m sorry I maybe posted the wrong thread title. I do generally have a backbone and if DF weren’t around or able to understand stuff on a basic level, I am at the point where I probably would tell them to do one. But he’s not and for the sake of keeping things smooth for him, I am prepared to play nice for a couple of nights. I definitely won’t be prodding them again, best all round if they don’t come at all. I am also a bit worried of their visits to the care home will go, regardless of accommodation. DH thinks they’re over to try and get DPs will changed, at first I thought that was overly cynical but my cousins last email shocked me it was so calculating. He no longer has capacity so it won’t happen, but I don’t want him getting upset and stirred up.

This is probably true. I am already pissed off that our huge hospitality over the last two visits was pretty unrecognised. But I think not contacting them at all is the way to go, maybe they’ll give up on the idea if it isn’t fully bankrolled.

You think they want to change your parents’ will-to presumably leave less to you and more to them? And they want to stay free in your house whilst they do so?!

Even if you know there’s no way the will can be changed, if you think that’s their intent, I wouldn’t have them to stay for even two nights. It would make me too cross.

They’ll still tell your dad you were inhospitable so you might as well say no altogether!

@Shinyandnew1 I don’t know for sure they want to discuss the will at all. To be fair to my cousin I believe she sees my DF as a substitute father figure. I think the thing that made me maddest was that on a family chat with my other cousin ( her Dsis) they said the DH was coming over because he was so fond of my DF. It’s ridiculous, he just wants his free annual trip to our country but he’s like an emotional vampire having to big up his very small bit part in this whole thing. Annoyingly if he hadn’t wanted to come my cousin would have come with her Dsis and we would have happily hosted them for the trip - she is pretty normal when around her sister.

Have you not got building work going on, rendering your house almost completely unlivable? Doesn't sound like your dad is well enough to be popping round to check.

@ProudPearl I did think of having an excuse, but I am a rubbish lier.

Maybe if they procrastinate long enough they can come and do dog sitting when we’re away in November. That’s probably the least worst scenario.Although I don’t really trust them to look after rookiedog since the DH took him for a walk at 3am last time and he almost got lost running after a deer.

Just email back "haven't heard from you, we're unfortunately all booked up now so you'll need to book a b&b for your entire stay if your still planning to come. Thanks."

This is not a criticism but an observation.

I think you are burnt out and sad/angry at your parents circumstances (quite understandably) and you might be projecting some of that exhaustion and frustration onto your cousin. That is not to say I think you should let them stay - I don't.

Your father had a close relationship with the person and used to pay for them to visit. You have reflected on that and used your POA to continue that. That is no skin off your nose at all - it's your dad's wishes and his money.

You don't have to have them stay or as you give suggested you can offer a short stay. If they ask why or you want to give an explanation you can tell them the truth - that you are burnt out/tired/sad from caring for your parents, losing your job etc and don't feel able to host due to this.

Your Dad might have taken pride in hosting family but unfortunately he is not able to now and he can't control what other people choose to do.

Now that your parents are in a care home I hope you are getting some time and space to rest and recover. Can you do something nice for you and your partner - like a holiday if you can afford to?

You had to chase them for dates, so just don’t reply at all or chase in any way (this is called dropping the rope). If they do message back eventually you can just say “sorry when you didn’t get back to us we have filled our calendar with plans for those dates, I recommend X hotel and have heard good things about Y Airbnb”. If this feels too dishonest to you actually make plans for those dates!

to your dad you can say “yes Dad I asked them but they never got back to me” which is true!

or simply blame it on your DH if your Dad asks. “DH is having a rough time/ repainting the bathroom/ fixing the spare room and we couldn’t possibly offer guests poor hospitality “

Family or not, these people are arseholes, OP. Do not have them stay, in fact, considering you think they are coming over to fiddle with the will, do not do anything to facilitate a visit. Who fucking cares if the family think you are inhospitable? They are not the ones putting up with them! If you let them in your house for two nights, I guarantee they will not leave without a struggle.

I think this is very true. My life is on paper very good now DPs are in care home, although my job is part time and poorly paid it means I have spare time to enjoy some hobbies and walks and DH and I are often off for breaks, so really we are very fortunate. But I do think I have a lot of unresolved issues from the period that my caring responsibilities ramped up and from my childhood. I thought I was getting over those, but this cousin has always been the golden cousin and yes it’s got me quite a lot out of kilter and brought up emotions I was trying to stuff down.

OP stop tying yourself up in knots and just drop the rope. DF will
likely misremember, these people
are CFs too. Email them one last time and say they can’t now stay for 2 nights because you’re now busy. . Don’t even ask when they’re coming or to look you up- just email and leave it - you are like a moth to the flame - stop yourself

@krustykittens if they do come and are reluctant to leave after 2 nights, I am going to leave it to DH. He will be happy to deal with the situation!

@Wreckinball maybe you’re right, I am like a moth to the flame. I don’t know why I chased her up - maybe because previously she claimed she hadn’t got an email from me which I had sent, or maybe so that accommodation wasn’t super expensive as last minute. It plays on my mind a lot as DF will ask about it if he remembers and I need to keep it bland and non commital.

I am definitely dropping the rope now. I am not going to email back and rescind my offer. It was a stupid thing to offer, but I guess I was still hanging on to the hope that she actually gave a shit, which she clearly doesn’t. I did say the reason they could only stay 2 nights was because I was worn out from the previous year, so let’s see if there is any acknowledgment of that.

I think you need to be 100% sure that they have accommodation booked for after the 2 night stay has passed. There's a danger that everywhere will be booked up (or so they may tell you) and once they're in your house it'll be that much harder to shift them

This is perfect. Sod them.

I can’t help but think you having to throw them out agains their wises, this will cause huge family trauma which will really upset your dad. I’d just say no in advance!

I do have some leverage as not sent airfare over yet. I can confirm they have accommodation booked before I do so.

Am thinking there is a reasonable possibility they won’t come . It’s not just cost of accommodation they seem to be a bit rubbish at modern life so using the internet ( both in early 60s).