Can a relationship work when one person has much more money?

[ser]

I was just wondering if anyone could offer some advice and a good way to move forward with this please. I am a single mum to two boys in their first and second year of uni (relevant because they are at quite an expensive stage). I work full time plus some overtime to support them, and obviously myself, as best as I can. I have been divorced for 14 years and have only just started dating again so I’m completely new to the scene and would love some advice about a few things please.
I met a lovely man nearly 2 years ago. We go on lots of dates and enjoy each other’s company. We go out for meals and drinks and have been away for weekends together. We both have our own lives in terms of hobbies, friends, our own houses etc. and are keen for it to stay that way. The problem is, he has considerably more money than I do. He is generous and pays for meals but the majority of the time, if he’s bought dinner, then I like to buy the next one. I prefer to keep things 50/50 as much as possible. We both love holidays and travelling and he has mentioned a few places that it’d be great to go to together. The trouble is, I absolutely could not afford it (and would not expect him to pay for me). Where do we go from here? Is there any future for us? I don’t really want suggestions of him paying for me as I’d not really feel comfortable with that. I’m beginning to wonder if the relationship is a bit of a non-starter because there’ll be so many things in the future that I can’t do because I don’t have the money he does. I have sort of explained this to him and he just says it’s fine, there’s lots of other things we can do etc. but I also overthink things like Christmas and birthdays where he can afford to get nice things for me and I can’t really do that back. Am i overthinking things or shall I just part ways and (maybe) find someone in a similar financial bracket to me?

@ser I should have mentioned also that although I have always made more, the divide wasn't always this large, but when we met early 2020, we obviously launched into COVID, so our 'dating' wasn't really subject to meals and treats and holidays as it wasn't an option - it was free/cheap stuff we were allowed to do like coffee and walks etc.

I can see why you feel the way you do - conversely I do sometimes worry that I undermine DP by automatically paying for stuff, however as I said, he does WAY more at home than me, doesn't need to be asked and is my absolute go-to for anything that 'needs doing'. As you say, he's doing it because he wants to, don't feel pressured that you're not doing enough, it's not a trade deal!!

Well you have to skew your outings/trips to your budget then, which is perfectly doable. My DH earned 20 times what I did, but we were pretty serious from the get go so I had no problem accepting him paying for trips!
But it’s the same with friends. You go out to dinner you don’t pick a Michelin star restaurant if their budget is Pizza Express.
As you do not plan on living together then the default is your budget and you have to be upfront about what you can afford. if he suggests a weekend in Rome you simply say ‘sorry beyond my budget! How about a weekend in the Lake District’?

Your circumstances will change as your kids get older. Had this situation with my partner. When we first got together he had nothing after he had paid his bills, then 5 years in we were earning the same, now I earn significantly more again. Its a bit different as we are a family with a shared child but generally I book the holidays/tickets etc but hes never been shy to pay for ice creams etc when out day to day.

Definitely sit down and have an open conversation with him. Good luck.

Having children at uni is very expensive! So is this not a temporary problem? I wouldn't split up with someone for this reason if he is not complaining about doing the things you can't afford now.

Dear god woman - have you not read the online dating boards here ????!!!! I don’t think you should throw away a decent relationship with a decent person over this issue . In your 40s and beyond it is really difficult to find decent unattached men . Not impossible and I am not for a second saying that you should compromise your principles and just accept anyone for the sake of a relationship .

That doesn’t seem to be the case here and you are being very sensible in maintaining your independence both financial and otherwise .

I have been in relationships where I have earned less than my partner and ones where they have earned more . It should be about compromise and I would hate to be with someone who was very tight with their money and keeping a constant score even when there is a large disparity in incomes .
I think that this like many relationship areas is one where you sit down and talk about it and see what you can compromise on . You will both need to be honest about what you want and what you can afford . You will need to think about what you would feel comfortable with . If your DP wanted to go to a particular holiday destination and you can’t afford it - would you feel comfortable with / be able to afford eg your flight / a few meals out and he paid for the accommodation ?

I think if you DC are at uni your outgoings will hopefully reduce over the next few years .

I think relationships where the man is the higher earner can work but the other way round I'm not so sure.
There was a thread on here recently where the woman was comfortable and the man only renting and she was strongly warned to watch out that he'd be after her money.
I suppose responses on a male-dominated forum might be the opposite though.

not quite in the same stage of life but my partner of 2 years earns triple what i do (albeit prob has double the outgoings) and i feel uncomfortable with him paying for things and try to make it even. but we talked about it, he told me he would never pay if he felt i was taking advantage (which i wouldnt anyway) but he feels i put in plenty of effort in things that he just throws money at i.e. i will find nice recipes we will both enjoy and make an effort that way. save programs/films i know will both enjoy until we are together etc. he says he enjoys being able to treat me to things i normally wouldnt be able to afford. i am always honest when i say i cant afford it and he never makes me feel inferior etc. if hes intelligent enough to earn lots of money then he will understand this. enjoy your relationship!

This

My partner and I are both retired. We've had different life paths (we got together in our 50s) and I am much better off than she is. We live separately and I pay for holidays, meals out, gigs etc. We go out rather than to each others houses

She has been great for me. She is stable, down to earth and huge fun and we share the same sense of humour. I'm routine bound - she likes stirring things a bit. She's made me more confident and chilled (I can be quite stressy) and all my friends love her - both for who she is and for what she has done for me

She has a lot of family responsibilities and when we are out and (especially) on holiday she can leave those behind and let her hair down. We've just comeback from a cruise and it's been lovely to see her so relaxed. I'm glad I can help her to do that

I did date a man who earned 3 times what I earned (I earn a decent amount), who didnt once offer to take me away for a weekend!
Your man sounds like a lovely man by offering to take you away. But if you can't tell him how you feel, I would question whether he was the right man for you. You need to be open in a relationship, or it wont work.

After 2 years it’s time to just be honest. If he wants to go on an expensive holiday just tell him: I would love to go, it sounds amazing etc but it’s way out of my budget. Tell him you feel uncomfortable and if he offers go and enjoy it! He needs to know. If he doesn’t offer after that conversation then imo he isn’t in it for the long term. Why should he curb his lifestyle, he seems to love your company and if this long term in many relationships one partner earns much more. Be totally honest is my advice.

I think this is a situation where you just need to talk about it openly.
Tell him that having 2 kids at Uni is ' open cheque book season' for next few years and you have very little left by end of month.
Tell him you want to spend time with him and do nice things but in reality, for a few years, holidays and meals etc may need to be a bit lower budget.
This gives him an opportunity to say that he is happy to find some of this whilst money is tight. If he says this, you need to work on your willingness to accept .

It’s interesting as I’m on the other side. I have a bit more money than he does - both own homes, cars ect but I have more disposable income. We’re two years in and I’m starting to feel it. He doesn’t like me paying for stuff so it means we end up not doing as I don’t want to push him financially - but if I just paid for it myself he’d accept it.

There is an issue on the horizon where I’d have to essentially pay for him and his teenage daughter which would put thousands on to the price tag and I’m not sure how I feel about it

What a weird comment.

I imagine at her age OP is past the stage of worrying about what other people think her life “should” look like and focus on what she wants.

I would say it's a bit more than dating after two years. It is a fairly serious relationship, have you talked about where it is going? If he knows you don't have a lot of money it's perfectly reasonable for him to pay for meals or trips, if he wants to. In fact he really should, you are spending money on things you can't afford to be with him, he is just spending pocket money.

My DH earned 5 times what I did and even now in retirement he earns far more than me. We’ve been married 20 years.

I’m your partner in my relationship, I have a good job and more money than my partner who has 2 children, it is a delicate balance, I also have an expensive(ish) hobby- so there is a balance, we go out - have holidays etc and I probably do pay for more days out and dates then she does- we don’t live together ( and I don’t really want to) - my advice would be just enjoy it - but keep yourself financially safe- look to plan free / low cost events and enjoy each other’s company

Your second post explains clearly, the disparity may be a temporary issue while your 2 children in university. So this is likely to get better, not that you’ll be on par, but the disparity will reduce when they graduate and when they get jobs. Good partners and relationship also have some elements of needing to work through.

Talk to him. Be fair, honest and tell him what you think. Ask him how he sees the relationship. What is wrong with the man who has more money to pay more? I mean, that is how usually is or ...plus he has quite a young girlfriend....