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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP is miserable with humdrum home life

74 replies

ladygarden · 29/01/2005 21:22

DP has just marched out in a sulk. I don't know where he's gone. All day he has not had a positive thing to say about anything. The way he looks at me is more sad despair rather than affection. He moans about everything. All week he can't wait for the weekend, but than when it comes just doesn't seem to know what to do with himself.

I know he misses our pre DD life of going out all the time. I try to explain that things don't have to stop, they just have to change and we have to adapt but it all seems too much for him. DD wasn't planned and whilst he loves her very much he can't accept that he's not a young bachelor boy anymore. We moved from London when DD was born and live fairly near my parents and he complains about a lack of social life and things to do.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to be with someone who seems so unhappy being with me. I feel so frumpy and undesirable but being a mum just doesn't leave me with the energy to deal with all his complaints...

OP posts:

Joanna3 · 31/01/2005 16:57

Sorry to hear this Mystery. In the long run you will look back at this stage in your life and realise your dp was doing you and the kids a big favour. What kind of family life can you have with someone who goes out when he pleases, treats you like dirt and probably does nothing to help you round the house. My ex dh's idea of looking after the kids was to sit them all in front of a footie match and totally ignore them. He was rarely able to get up at a sensible time at w/ends as he was too drunk/hungover. What a waste of space he was. He has actually had to become a bit more responsible as he now has sole charge of the kids every other w/end. Why are so many guys like this.... I think its partly because us girls let them get away with it for too long. Good luck

Original poster

ladygarden · 31/01/2005 18:27

Back from the CAB now and a pretty bleak picture it is too. As we're not married he has an obligation to DD but none to me. He is not obliged to house us either (all this is a bit of a shock to me). And as the lady so tactfully put it I will be skint.

It almost makes me wonder if I can lure him in and marry him quick as a safety net... yeah I know, might as well throw my dignity out of the window too...

I don't work at the mo, as the field I work in (graphic design) just doesn't seem to have any part time positions but I have been doing some work from home. The CAB lady suggested I retrain to do a job that I can do part time. I have always loved my job and it really upsets me that I might have to do another job to support the child we have had together whilst he can carry on as ever before.

I think all in all I will suggest that he moves out for 'a while' to see how he enjoys it. I can't kick him out as the house is in his name (can I?) Also I might suggest Relate, though I tried at the weekend and he gave it a firm no. Oh, and this hasn't been a short time thing at all Custardo, I've been on mn on and off for months bemoaning his behaviour...

OP posts:

sobernow · 31/01/2005 18:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

merrygoround · 31/01/2005 20:20

Ladygarden, I don't think you've said but is the house in your dp's name? Have you ever contributed to the mortgage?

weightwatchingwaterwitch · 31/01/2005 20:26

LG, sorry the news wasn't better. Nah, don't marry him, although it is shite that you would be in a better position if you had earlier, I know. SAHMs who aren't marry really do get a terrible deal when it's all over. If you do go for separation I bet you'll realise how much hard work he really was. Sorry, I know that's not much consolation.

weightwatchingwaterwitch · 31/01/2005 20:27

Well, quite, sobernow.

expatinscotland · 31/01/2005 20:46

He may not be eligible to house you, but you'll be considered homeless by your local housing authority - which is in some councils a housing association - and therefore priority for being housed. No, it may not be ideal for you, but it's better than the street, and if you can get an association home all the better. I know in our council, housing is at such a crisis that the council is leasing loads of nice flats from private landlords in order to accommodate priority cases such as those coming from a relationship breakdown where children are involved. So mums in this situation actually get to live in some very nice private accommodation. It is worth looking into. Also remember that if you get a job - ANY job working 16+ hours/week you are eligible for working and child tax credits to help with bringing up your child.

There's help out there!

Joanna3 · 01/02/2005 10:25

Hi Ladygarden how are you today? As you say your dp is under no obligation to you but will have to support dd. And the Council will have to rehouse you as you have a child. I am not an expert in this area but I think you have to demonstrate that you are not intentionally homeless, i.e that your dp kicked you out. Is there any possibility of your family helping out with childcare if you returned to full time work? I know it is not an ideal situation to be in but there are so many of us that have been where you are now and got through it. It always helped me to think of the children when I was going through my separation and remember that I had to keep strong for them. It might be a good idea to fix a timescale in your head e.g I will look for a full time job once dd is at nursery. The childcare will be cheaper then of course and in the meantime you could keep your hand in by doing part time work. Things might improve between you and dp in the meantime but at least you will have a gameplan in place should things stay the same. Also you protect yourself should dp decide to call time on the relationship (as mine did). Good luck

Cha · 02/02/2005 15:01

So sorry to hear the horrible situation that you are in, LG. I am in the fortunate position of owning our flat so I see now that the risk I took when I booted dp out was not the same as the risk you will have to take.

It makes me so mad that after all these years of feminism, women with children are still in such a precarious position. I am and always will be a committed feminist but I really do believe that feminism has failed mothers. Big time.

However, one thing we do have is places like mumsnet to help, advise and support. There's not a dadsnet or anything like it to support or help men and that is no one's fault but their own.

I hope you and your family can find a solution to this, LG. You sound so strong.

Original poster

ladygarden · 03/02/2005 09:13

Not sure what to do and now DP has discovered mumsnet and is quoting it to me.

OP posts:

weightwatchingwaterwitch · 03/02/2005 09:24

Why's he quoting us LG, we're all saying he's an arse! Sorry things aren't any better.

Caligula · 03/02/2005 09:44

And he is. Here's another quote: Why doesn't he conentrate on sorting out the serious problems in his relationship instead of trying to score points like a pathetic, immature, permanent adolescent?

Caligula · 03/02/2005 09:53

conCentrate...

concentrate, concentrate, concentrate...

Cha · 03/02/2005 14:53

You what??! He has discovered this thread and is doing what? Seriously tho, LG, hope things are OK. Please post.

expatinscotland · 03/02/2005 15:24

Oh, he's reading this. Good, we can address him, then. LP's partner (I'll leave off the 'darling'): if you're reading this, yes, we are all saying you are a waste of space. You need to grow up and be a man and a father to your child or move on and let them both find s/one who will treat them with some respect.

AEROBICS · 04/02/2005 15:09

this is to ladygarden and all in similar boat. ten years ago i left my the dh as he had no interest in our two kids, infact i left him in love with someone else. (not a good move) some men dont realize how lucky they are to have a partner that cares/loves them and children. my ex dh was often drunk and left me to do all the childcare totally.night and day, the selfish man. he hated me for leaving him for someone else. however that fizzled quickly and i had a very difficult few years much to his pleasure ! went to the well woman centre and joined a brilliant group bout partners. it really empowered me and helped me get out of an abusive relationship which i was in at that time. had a large learning curve re: relationships. present partner isnt perfect and gets very angry at nothing. another bid kid.

Cha · 08/02/2005 16:09

Ladygarden - are you OK?

getalifeyousadlot · 11/02/2005 17:36

orangina · 11/02/2005 18:01

Is LG ok? Was that last post from her (not so D) P? LG, if you are out there, please post.

orangina · 14/02/2005 14:23

ladygarden... if you are there, please tell us you are ok.....

Tinker · 14/02/2005 20:12

This thread is a bit worrying now isn't it? Hope lg is ok.

Original poster

ladygarden · 14/02/2005 21:13

Hiya. Thanks for the concern. I'm OK. Feeling a bit paranoid that DP is reading but OK. Visiting Relate and trying to sort stuff out...

OP posts:

Caligula · 14/02/2005 21:43

Good news that you're going to Relate, LG.

Hope it all works out for you.

orangina · 15/02/2005 14:57

Glad to hear you are there LG, and I hope you work things out so that you are happy.... good luck...

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