DP is miserable with humdrum home life

[ladygarden]

DP has just marched out in a sulk. I don't know where he's gone. All day he has not had a positive thing to say about anything. The way he looks at me is more sad despair rather than affection. He moans about everything. All week he can't wait for the weekend, but than when it comes just doesn't seem to know what to do with himself.

I know he misses our pre DD life of going out all the time. I try to explain that things don't have to stop, they just have to change and we have to adapt but it all seems too much for him. DD wasn't planned and whilst he loves her very much he can't accept that he's not a young bachelor boy anymore. We moved from London when DD was born and live fairly near my parents and he complains about a lack of social life and things to do.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to be with someone who seems so unhappy being with me. I feel so frumpy and undesirable but being a mum just doesn't leave me with the energy to deal with all his complaints...

What's harder, being a single mum to one or a miserable partner with two kids?

He doesn't sound the type that's gonna jump at the chance to go to Relate. If a/thing, he'd just turn it round to make it look like you're a nag.

So go YOURSELF. He doesn't control everything . . . b/c he can never control your sense of self-respect, your trust in yourself, your integrity, etc.

LG, you'll come second forever as long as he shows you the lack of respect he's doing atm. God, at 35, he didn't tell his friends you were pregnant? What exactly is his problem? How long have you been together?

Also, just one thing about him being a solicitor and doing you over if you split - without wishing to be pessimistic, he could walk out on you and do you over anyway, so staying with him in order to avoid that isn't a good strategy, because you might not be able to avoid it. It's much better to stay with him because you and he are happy together and are providing a happy home for your DD, but obviously that's going to take some working on.

Must go to bed now, good night, I hope you get some good advice on here.

There was an astounding fact on "Child Of Our Time" two weeks ago. They said that 70% of parents have smacked their children. They went on to say that a parent is far more likely to smack if they have an unsupportive partner. I'm not saying you'd smack your child, but it's interesting to hear an expert stat, and important to realise the strain your dp's negative attitude can put on you, and thus what can be translated to your child.

As a single parent, there are definitely times when I wish I had a partner. But, when I read/hear about the tension/upset a negative/unsupportive partner causes, I'm glad to be on my own. Sorry you're going through this, and hope you can find some way to make things better.

Oh no ladygarden, yet another stunningly selfish bloke Caligula's kill 3 birds with one stone idea sounds like a good one and I agree with sobernow and everyone else, he's being utterly selfish and childish. I have a friend with a dh like this, he spent the first couple of years of each child's life (they have 3) being a 'lad', going out til all hours, getting drunk, ooh it makes me cross. In this case he also bought a soft top 2 seater!!!!! Tosser, classic mid life crisis stuff in his case. Anyway, I just wanted to say sympathy and I think you need to tell him how you feel, tell him very clearly what he needs to do to sort it out and explain what the consequences will be if he doesn't. It's TOTALLY unfair. Do you know anyone who has a great and supportive partner? If so, you could make sure you spend some time as a couple with them just to show him how it's done (although I appreciate that this level of explanation shouldn't be necessary) and to maybe shame him into sorting it out?

You have my sympathy!! Been married almost 10 years, 2 children age 2 + 4. Work my but off as a full time mum. Hubby gets five star dinners, clean house,clothes etc etc etc.. and then he tells me every single $%^ day that life is so unfair, he's gotta work hard, while I sit in front of telly all day. I have no friends, family all in another country, haven't been out for years, and this while his life hasn't changed since his single days. He does NOTHING in the house and doesn't get up for the kids at night, cause he's gotta got to ... work! the next day. He clearly despises me, and has told me many time to f off. And I can't afford to leave him. There, now I feel better. Sorry for that..

sorry haven't had time to read all the posts - but just wondered - do you get an opportunity to go out together. Do you have babysitters you can use. We have started to try and go out once every 2 weeks together and its really made a bit difference.

snap lady garden!, i thought id wrote this post and not rememberd!, some differences but same old story!
why do we have to carry all the burden and feel like we've done wrong by having a child?and our was planned

oh dear, we all seem to be having the same problem - DP and I took Friday off to sort stuff out. However, we never did have get round to talking through the heavy stuff and so, although we had a nice day, it hasn't solved the underlying problem between us.

I have no idea what is going to happen between us now, I am not sure I have the energy and I cannot see anything changing in the immediate future. Sadly I have turned much of my attention towards the practicalities instead. I would like to think that things can change but I don't think they can now. I did mention Relate but that was a no-no straight away. I wasn't very surprised. (LG, my DP will be 33 this year so old enough to get a grip. I had to get a grip when DS was born so he should too! GRR!)

Ladygarden, you sound like me so much. I really hope we all find our answers soon. Let us know how you get on? Lots of love xxxxx

dp also 34!..must be a phase they go through around this age

My dh had his first child at 34 and was nothing like this! I'm sorry but what a bunch of tossers. Insomnia, you don't have to leave, you could chuck him out.
I can't believe someone in their mid-thirties would go on about university life. How utterly pathetic is that? But don't let him make you think he would 'win' if you divorced. That's a really common tactic some men use. Why not get yourself some legal advice about what you'd really be entitled to. You are not 'privileged' to look after your daughter, someone has to do it, and if it wasn't you, someone else would have to be paid to do it. If it's work when they do it, it's work when you do it.

tough. tell him to grow the hell up for gods sake.

i cant actually say that changing nappies, potty training and cleaning poo and wee off the floor was the highlight of my day or remotely intellectually stimulating in the least and isat at home wondering what pubs i could have been in and what fun i may have been happening if i hadn't had kids - from time to time until someone staring crying or screaming or both.

i dont mean to be rude or deliberatley offensive but i would leave every material thng i had and i would start all over again in a hostel if i must becuase i value my dignity and self respect much more than money. thing is - my hubby knows this.

so i think a strong talking to is in order - whether you mean it or not - i would suggest that he get his act together becuase everything he WORKS for means nothing to you without the love support and respect that goes with it.

Ladygarden, will you please point out to him that:

a) HE had a baby as well as you
b) HE presumable chose to have this baby
c) Life has changed BIG time for you as well as him.
d) HE has to shoulder the responsibility for the changes it has had on BOTH your lives.

A resounding "Grow Up" like other s have said.

Be strong sweetie, you will get through it. Treat yourself kindly with or without him, but aboveall, for your own sake. You know, make yourself feel good, do something for you, do things that make YOU feel good.

Stay strong and one day at a time.

Morning all.
Thanks for all your sound words of advice.

We had a big argument yesterday which resulted in my shouting and scaring DD (Robert Winston was right about that then!) and telling him to go if he didn't like things to which he told me he wished he could.

All lovely of course. This morning as he as leaving for work he told me all mournfully that I should think about what I want to do. This is usually a cue for me to panic, apologise and things to go back to normal. But I really think I need to look at the options. Where do I start? Citizens advice? Go to a solicitor?

You can't just make a person grow up. If he really thinks he'd be happier on his own, maybe he would. I really try my best to support him but he just doesn't realise what I do.

Ladygarden, just wanted to add my support to what has already been written. I can really relate to what you are going thru. My ex was just like this, did nothing round the house, went out at all hours and came back blind drunk (age 40). Also did very little with the kids and never seemed happy with family life. Kept trying to act as if was young and unattached. I kept hoping he would change one day and was always trying to talk to him to get him to understand how unreasonable he was being. I was also very tolerant and tried to see things from his point of view. Unfortunately all this did not change things and he was one who walked out on me a couple of years ago. Now he lives in a nice flat, swams around in a stupid sports car and admittedly does see the kids everyother week end. He is actually better with them now than he was. I really believe that some guys are just selfish tossers who will NEVER change however many conversations you have with them, special meals you make and week ends away etc etc. You need to make plans as to how you will survive on your own and as Caligula said it is better that you face up to this rather than being jumped into it by your dp leaving you suddenly. Remember he will have to pay you 15% of his net salary in child maintenance even if you are not married and although life can be hard on your own you won't have to put up with some selfish b...t imposing his will on you. I really don't mean to be harsh here but as women we have to take some control back and let these guys know that they can't act like this. Good luck - loads of sympathy and cyber hugs.

Thanks Joanna. Your situation does sound like mine. You don't say where you are living or how you are coping - I need to hear positive stuff! I am off to Citizens advice this afternoon I think.
I actually spoke to my mum about it this morning. I don't like to worry her but she was very supportive. She couldn't believe he wanted to leave, and told me not ot waste my life trying to keep him happy when it's not possible. I was quite impressed!

ladygarden, your mum sounds great. I'm glad you have some good support. You should definitely go to CAB and get some advice. At least that way you know what your options are. Sounds like your dp may be in for a bit of a shock.

Good luck.

Ladygarden well done for being so positive and assertive. You may find it pays off and you don't need the CAB advice, but just going there and finding out your rights will back up your feeling of confidence and make your DP actually realise that he's got something to lose too, and his presence in your house isn't the great gift he seems to think it is.

And if you do need positive stories - I can tell you in all honesty that my life as a single mother is infinitely happier, more fun and more joyful than it ever was with my xp. I was terrified at the prospect of being on my own, part of me was prepared to put up with anything rather than take that jump into the unknown, and the first couple of years were difficult; I am now financially far less well off than I was with him, but I feel lucky being free of him.

Good luck at the CAB.

Ladygarden I live in London and have had to go back to work 4 days a week to support the kids. Like Caligula it has meant a considerable worsending of my financial situation. However my mum and family have been very supportive as have my friends. Yes it is hard but so much better than living with someone who treated me with a total lack of respect. The CSA guidelines say your dp has to pay 15% of his net salary to you for one child (20% for two)so dp can't leave you high and dry. The CAB will be able to advise you further on this. Are you working?

It is really scary contemplating life on your own and I would be kidding you if I were to say it is going to be easy. But I think it is better making a fresh start than spending more years living in the hope that someone will change. What you get back in return is your self respect and hope for the future. You will be surprised by how much respect you will get from other people as a single parent, its not like the old days when mums on their own were pariahs. Obviously I would have preferred my relationship to have worked out but sometimes you just have to accept that you have changed and the other person has not been able to. The other consideration is the effect that your dps behavour will have on your dd. We are all here for you on mumnet so keep posting!!

This time last year I was in a similar situation LG - dp (then 37) useless, in the pub more than at home, resentful of looking after dd - yet loved to tell his pub mates how much he loved her....! I gave him the ultimate wake up call by kicking him out. He has since shaped up a lot (there is still a way to go), but I was always aware he might not. I just knew I could not go on feeling so miserable and unsupported, and not being the happy mum I wanted to be as a result of how angry and upset I felt. I felt tons better once he was gone - the first few days were terrible as he was living in his van, but mumsnet gave me loads of support - but I never doubted I'd done the right thing. I felt it couldn't be good for dd to live in a strained atmosphere with angry / resentful parents. He had lots of time to think and quickly realised that the "freedom" to spend every night in the pub with no nagging partner in the background was not all it had seemed, and he missed us terribly. He quickly showed that he could be more responsible, and in fact we all got on better than we ever had. We ended up getting counselling, he moved back home after almost 6 months of living apart, and he grew up at least a bit. He still backslides, but the crucial difference is that I KNOW that I don't have to put up with shit. Good luck - you sound very strong, much stronger than I was, and good for you for what you've done already.

What tossers men are sometimes. Really feel for all of you with horror stories about big babies who refuse to be men. I know because I had one of them myself. This is just my experience but FWIW, treating them mean does do the trick. If they still love you, which my dp does.

It really struck a chord, LG, when you said on your post today that he left the house mournfully saying you really needed 'to think about what you want'. In the past that too was my cue to feel afraid and be all appeasing or else... Trouble is, baby-men just get the message that whatever immature thing/s they have done is OK because nothing happens apart from nagging and tears (some men see this as a simple side effect of life with a woman... bless).

My dp would threaten to leave if I told him the harsh truth too long and too hard and because I was afraid of being left alone with one, then two, little kids it was always me that backed down. But one day, after about the tillienth row about his laziness, selfishness, disrespectfullness etc something just turned over in me and when he said he'd leave then, I just said yes, I think that's a good idea. His face. Wish I'd had a camera. Seeing his reaction just gave me more strength and I went for it. Told him to leave and when he didn't, insisted. He left that evening a broken man and spent the next two weeks coming round every day after work, cooking dinner, taking the kids out all weekend to give me a break, telling me how much he loved me and what a t**t he'd been. He suggested Relate (something I had wanted for years) and at that point I said OK, come back but if you EVER give me cause to feel this way again, that is it.

What we did saved our relationship and I can honestly say that I am now happier than I have ever been. He, though far from perfect , has now grown up and takes his partner and family seriously. Relate was fantastic and I now feel that we will be together for the rest of our lives. It is an unfortunate truth, IMO, that baby-men cannot grow up on their own, they have to be made to.

Big hugs and strength to all of you in the same situation xxx

Merrygoround - our posts crossed! What a coincidence that we both have had the same experience. (others take note...)

Merrygoround, its nice to hear that some men can change if they are put under enough pressure. You definately did the right thing giving dp an ultimatum and you obviously had the strength to carry your threats thru if dp had not shaped up.

ladygarden I am in almost exactly the same situation as you are....I have 2 DS aged 7 and 3 and was told last night by my dp that he wants to end our relationship.

He too is hankering after the single life - he has pretty much a good taste of it already as he goes out at least 2 nights a week with mates - not drinking but roleplaying would you believe. I just totally do not get it.

I feel I am living with Kevin the teenager sometimes, and after reading some of the posts here I think you should be inspired, as I know I am.

It is terrifying isn't it, thinking of your little one growing up with only one parent, but deep down you must know, like me, that a happy one parent must be miles better than 2 unhappy parents.

If you take action now, hopefully your DH will see you are deadly serious about sorting your relationship out, and it may shock him into getting some help from relate etc.

We did go years ago, and it definitely helped a lot. Unfortunately DP is now past the stage of trying and just wants out

Good luck and big hugs
xx

how did you get on LG? big respect for your courage and determination in such a short time xxxxxx