Am I irresponsible to go away when my husband is making threats?

[Ejs890011]

It’s the same thing over and over again with my husband mental health.
every 6-8 weeks he says he has self harmed but when I later ask him it’s lies.
he is getting help but this has been gone on for 4 years
only started as I am going away for the weekend with my friend to a festival. He keeps saying he want to be with.
then questioning why I am wearing tight shorts to the festival when I normally don’t wear tight things. Then asks I am saying I want to go have fun with my friend he thinks I want to go have sex as he perceives that as fun times which it isn’t I want to go dance and just have fun.
he is saying things like he is stabbing himself with a pen as it helps. But when I said how did the ink get on your tabacco pouch when you are stabbing yourself he said he put it on there deliberately so I wouldn’t find out that he had been stabbing himself.
also he is saying he inhaling deodorants.
like I want. To say my mum and dad should look after our son this weekend. I shouldn’t feel like I should be guilt tripped into not going but I am scared for my son’s safety.
does that make me irresponsible?

Tell your parents what this man is doing and saying, and yes ask them to look after your dc while you go away.

While you are away, tell your friends about him too, because you need as much help as you can get to escape from this dangerously abusive person.

You are not being irresponsible, he is being a manipulative arsehole.

You need to leave him.

What makes you irresponsible is staying with this man and forcing your son to grow up in this utterly shit and dangerous environment. Instead of going on a weekend bender with your friend, why not focus on taking some action on getting your child away from this man? Or if you won’t leave him, look at getting your parents to take your son long term to keep him safe?

I actually have a diagnosed personality disorder and mental health is not fun. I always get annoyed as I don’t do this sort of behaviour I feel he is just attention seeking am I right? It’s been going for so long now I am used to it but I shouldn’t be

Leave him. He needs to go and talk to a psychiatrist and shouldn't be left in charge of your kids.

I mean I wouldn’t be going anywhere if leaving meant my son was subjected to that!!

Leave your son with your parents, go to the festival and then come back and leave this horrible person -
he’s no good for you or you son so raise your standards
you say this has been going on for 4 years!!! Why are you still tolerating this???

Call his bluff by contacting the police for a welfare check.

I suspect he'll feel enough of a total dickhead with actual cops asking about these stupid claims that he'll be less likely to manipulate you this way again.

Then dump his ass. You and your child deserve better.

Yes leaving your child with this man would be irresponsible.

Now he keeps telling me I need to stop playing games and tell him what I want! But I have done that before it just ends up the same cycle. I had 2 hours sleep last night, he keeps saying things as well let’s not chuck things away we worked so hard for our son. Because we did 3 years of IVF and had 4 miscarriages

I'm very sorry that you're in this situation. It's way bigger than this weekend by the sounds of it. Please make plans for you and your son to leave permanently, or to get your husband out. Your husband is trying to control you and you can't keep living like this – you need to keep your son and yourself safe. He's an adult and you are not responsible for his mental health.

If you want to go the festival – and wanting to occasionally have a life outside being a parent is not irresponsible – leave your son with your parents and instruct them not allow your husband to be on his own with him.

Years ago I was stalked for months by an ex who kept threatening to kill himself if I didn't meet up with him. In the end when I was practically having a breakdown and on the verge of getting the police involved I decided I was never going to let him control me again and blocked him. Needless to say he did not harm himself, but even if he had it would NOT have been on me.

He is a dangerous man who is using threats of self-harm to control you. He is extremely abusive and controlling.

This really is that bad, and you & your dc are at risk of harm if you stay with him. Please listen to what we are saying, and keep your dc safe.

Never mind what you have 'been through' together, look up the 'sunk costs fallacy' and you will realise that you shouldn't decide to continue doing something just because of the effort put into it in the past.

He has just messaged me saying this
Said to speak to the doctor. Why are you not answering my simple question. To me it feels like now you don’t want things to work out because you’re not replying.
Playing games isn’t helping the situation so can you please just tell me before I come home please.

I actually am just asking him how his wellbeing appointment went

You don't have to live like this.

Take your kid to your parents. Tell him it's over. Go to the festival. Expect him to pretend to hurt himself while you're there. Leave your phone with your parents.

How do I word that I want to separate until he is better?

He isn't going to get 'better'. This is who he is.

Leave your child with your parents and enjoy your weekend. When he messages you saying hes going to self harm you need to ring the police for a welfare check

I promise you now he will never ever threaten it again once the police show up

My ex used to threaten suicide a lot. The last time he did it I told his mum, he said i was lying so I sent her the screenshot of our conversation...... he was absolutely furious with me, very embarrassed and NEVER pulled that shit on me again

He isn't unwell. He's manipulative. He can't get "better" from that. He will just learn different tactics

He is a controlling abuser, he is showing you this clearly. He may or may not have mental health issues, but that’s beside the point.

Contact WA, look at support online. Don’t discuss your plans with him, it’s likely to make him ramp up the abuse. If your parents can have your DC when you are at the Festival arrange this.

Go to your parents. Tell him that you are not a qualified MH nurse and that if he is genuinely ill and wants to get better then he needs to seek professional help, but that for the sake of your son you are leaving.

You are not his carer and people need to be responsible for their own MH. No one can help him unless he is prepared to do so - and manipulating you into playing by his rules is not helpful.

I can pretty much guarantee that he did not tell the person anything remotely resembling the truth at his 'wellbeing' appointment.

He will have told them a pack of lies about everything. He won't have told them that he threatens self-harm in order to control you. He won't have told them of his uncontrollable and unreasonable jealousy about you going away. He won't have told them that you are afraid to leave your dc with him.

Am I irresponsible to go away when my husband is making threats?
You're irresponsible to be with him at all. I truly can't fathom how much a woman must utterly despise herself to tolerate a "man" like this in her life.

Sadly this is most likely.

My Mum used to pull this kind of stunt with my Dad. He worked part time and without fail, on the days he was due to go to work, she would threaten suicide. She was so manipulative and controlling.

He doesn’t have a mental illness that he needs treatment for. He is an abusive man, who uses threats to control you. If you feel ready, see if you and your son can move in with your parents until you get yourself sorted. You do not owe him any explanation, beyond ‘I am leaving’.

"I will be going to the festival as planned, and will take dc to my parents. Going to a festival is completely normal. You need to take responsibility for your mental health and ensuring your safety. I will support you to do that, but not by allowing your mental health to constrain my own life as well as yours"