Do your parents guilt you into getting on with your siblings?

[Thickasabrick89]

I have a 34yo brother who lives at home and because my mum feeds, clothes, washes his clothes, packs his suitcase, sorts out insurance, manages his rented property etc he has no responsibilities really.

My stance is fine whatever, your life is how you want it to be but what irritates me is that I'm forced to make an effort with him when it is never reciprocated.

For example my dad always says 'you need to spend more time with your brother' so in the past I've invited him camping, activities, etc. He has cancelled last minute at times. One time we were going to the cinema (we never have dates) and my parents agreed to look after our daughter for the 2 hours if I took my brother along. We did and he walked out half way through as he didn't like the film (which I knew he wouldn't like anyway).

I do have a child now so it's trickier but in May 2025 I planned an art class activity (he loves art, I'm pretty terrible but went along with it as he enjoys it) and I said afterwards 'please plan the next activity and I can book it in the diary and we can do something else like this'. August 2026 and still nothing even after reminders of our discussion🤣.

It was a last ditch attempt really to get him involved because if this had been a friend who never reciprocated, the friendship would have fizzled out long ago.

The other thing is my brother is very sexist (thinks women should be solely responsible for the house and childcare- at the weekend even questioned why we don't have hanging baskets outside and that it is my job to sort as the female of the house), entitled, rude and if it wasn't for the fact we are blood related, the relationship would have ended long ago.

My dad always says how terrible it is that I don't spend time with him. My brother also complains we don't live closer (we are 45 mins away, he has a car but doesn't drive it). We have told him numerous times to come over after work but he is always too busy. (Trickier for us as our daughter goes to bed at 6:30 so it's easier for him to come to us). Instead we visit at weekends.

When I mentioned I have tried to spend more time with my brother to my dad, mentioning the art class and previous activities of the past I've coordinated he just says that because I'm selfish I chose an activity/activities I wanted to do and just dragged him along (far from the truth) and that he is not an instigator, I need to always plan things all the time and it's my responsibility to sort going forward as it's in my nature. Also that if I never planned things with my friends, I'd never go anywhere either.

He also won't listen to me when I try to tell him how my brother speaks to me. He just says he's just sticking up for himself.

I also understand there is an expectation after my parents are gone for me to I don't know...care for him? Help him? Be his support to replace my parents? I'm far too busy living my own life for that nonsense.

Nevertheless what do other families do when there's an expectation to spend time and be cordial to a sibling they don't really like? Grin and bare it? Force yourself to enjoy their company? Act kind and interested? I hate this expectation and that my parents will ALWAYS side with him over me. His best friend is my mum so I don't even get to spend time with her alone, she always insists my brother comes along too.

Feel free to tell me I'm wrong

OP, your brother sounds dreadful and your parents are enabling a grown man. None of this is your responsibility. Your father has no right to criticise you. Walk away completely and let them get on with it. Unless of course you actually want to be the default “carer” once your parents are too old? They are grooming you for that role.

Well, when my parents get old i would expect him to be responsible for the day to day activities such as food shopping, washing, doctors appointments, car MOT etc as he lives in the home while I would be more involved with the admin side of things.

We both have POA but my parents are of sound mind and capable so it's not a concern at the moment.

I typed a long post in reply to your OP, but I deleted it, because it was too personal and there was a lot of projecting in it!
The gist of it was that you aren't wrong, they won't change and you need to create strong boundaries around your relationship with your brother!

I think the pp is referring to the expectation that you would be caring for your brother.

I don't do things just because someone else thinks I should. I'm an adult to makes their decisions, so if my parents think I'm being a cow for not doing what they say then so be it, they don't get to tell me what to do.

I would not put up with any of this and I would be clear with parents about why.

But why would you be responsible for any admin? Does your brother have a disability? If so, that needed to be made clear in the opening post as it changes the responses you will get. It still doesn’t mean you have to take over that role.

He’s not going to do any household tasks in a million years given how he is with his mother waiting on him. He would come to see all your parents household tasks in their home as your job.

I would reconsider being an attorney for them given how dysfunctional your family of origin are. It can be hard at the best of times but when family relations are not good this can make things even worse.

Drop the rope here on all of them and do not allow yourself to be continuously guilt tripped by your father. You have done nothing wrong here and there is really no sibling relationship to speak of. You would not tolerate this from a friend, family members are no different.

No no and no op

I have a sibling that’s been enabled all his life by my long suffering parents although it’s their own damn fault.

I can’t tell you how much I have tried over the years with this sibling I really can’t
I’ve been guilt tripped many many times by my mother in particular

don’t want to be too outing but I have done above and beyond for them over the years due to many reasons and I’ve now just recently stepped back and said I’m done here.

he threw his toys out of the pram over something trivial and I just snapped.

step bak

My brother hasn't got a disability but I do feel some responsibility to my parents in old age too and whilst it would be silly to do day to day things- my brother can do that, jobs that I could do from my own home on their behalf I can do.

Maybe I'm being naive here but surely my brother wouldn't expect me to go food shopping for everyone including him and wash all clothes...in the washing machine in the house he lives in when I live 45 mins away. That would be madness and my husband wouldn't let me do that anyway, I can't be responsible for two houses when my brother is responsible for none.

Is there an unspoken issue here? Does he live with them and get their help because he has undiagnosed autism or ADHD or mental health issues? Were they always so preoccupied in assisting him in childhood? Were you the 'glass child' (seen through by parents who spent too much time focused on their less able child?)

I might be tactical in this situation and instead of sticking up for yourself about him, which seems to put them on the defensive, start coming over as needy. Let your family know whenever you are struggling, exhausted, overworked, kids sick, short of money, lonely, missing them, washing machine broke down, feeling low etc etc. It seems like they assume all is always well with you. Voice that you'd love some help or need some support - love him to visit, love family to come and engage with DC more etc etc. See if that filters through.

If not, get blunt. Our dynamic is one ND adult child, one very successful NT adult child, and I have been guilty of defaulting to expecting NT child to reach out first but have recently noticed it works both way. They can both be thoughtless, both be demanding, both attempt affection and get it ignored or underappreciated, both misread or overlook eachother's attempts to show love and appreciation. I'm trying to leave it up to them now, but it is hard. As parents, we long for the siblings to love each other because we won't be around forever, and then that sibling relationship is what keeps family connected.

As for the expectation you will care for him, make it clear you can't and won't. That he is perfectly capable of managing his own life, you have faith in his abilities and think he needs to get into the habit of being responsible for himself now, so he can replay your parents' kindness by caring for them as they get older, because you have a family of your own.

There seems to be a lot of 'My dad is telling me to...' going on here.

You don't have to do any of it. Your brother is an arsehole, he's not very nice to you and you don't enjoy spending time with him, so why should you put yourself out to make time for him just because your dad tells you to do it?

Leave them to stew in their own juice.

Mine tried... repeatedly. In the end, I was so fed up that I was very blunt about it. I pointed out that my mother wasn't close with her sibling, either, so she wasn't exactly a shining example in that respect! We're adults, I haven't liked my brother since primary school (he was very much one of the cool kids, and I was as far from that as possible), and to be honest, he made a vast chunk of my childhood miserable because it was "funny" to him. Oh, and I'm quite keen to maintain the 100-mile distance between us. She wants him to move closer to me, because it is a much nicer area, where she would prefer to live, and it would mean that it wouldn't look like favouritism if she moved here... and she wouldn't have to miss out on her grandchildren growing up.

I was guilt-tripped into going to his wedding because, "...your brother will never forgive you". I wish that I had never bothered to go. His guests were largely surprised to find that he had a sister, because I don't get mentioned.

It's only this year when I haven't been prompted to wish him a happy birthday, congratulations, buy presents, etc... because I said that he hadn't bothered for the past few years, so why should I?

If my brother had the sort of views that your brother has about women, I'd have dropped him even earlier than I did.

What would happen if you tried 'grey rock' ie every mention of your brother gets the exact same standard response.

'Im not going to arrange to see him because he's sexist and I dont want to be around someone like that?'

Exactly same response every time, no matter how upset your parents get.
Bring it back to it being a consequences of his own actions. Your parents will live.

My brother and I aren't close and my parents never try to guilt trip me about it. Tell your dad to butt out!

You ARE being naive. Of course your brother, and your parents, will expect you to do all tasks that brother will not.

Read up on toxic family dynamics because you are caught in one and you don’t seem to grasp all the implications. Your brother is the golden child and you are the scapegoat and utility child. You are expected to make life easy for your brother and all your resources and time and energy beling to him. The more independent, healthy, wealthy, and family oriented you are the angrier your family will be as you don’t give everything to your brother.

You keep acting like having a house, life, child, and work are accomplishments to be respected. In your family’s eyes they are distractions from the only real and important person which is your brother.

If your brother has no responsibilities now what makes you think he will take on anything in his parents house in their dotage?. It is and will be left by them all for you to sort out so I would step away now. I would again reconsider being an attorney particularly if you are acting jointly and severally with your brother.

Put boundaries in place now, and don’t feel guilty. He is not your responsibility and your parents are enabling his behaviour. As for the sexist remarks, I really don’t understand why people put up with that just because they are family! Next time he says something along those lines about hanging baskets, I’d respond with something sharp to shut him down, you’re letting him walk all over you right now. You deserve better than to be treated this way, and they are absolutely going to expect you to look after him when they’re gone.

Is it possible he is on the spectrum?

From how you’ve described him I think this is exactly what he would expect. There is no way he is going to do any practical caring when your parents need it. Unless he suddenly changes personality.

Your parents have encouraged and enabled this awful behaviour. Honestly I’d give them all a wide berth. Has he been engaging with the manosphere bullsh*t too?

I bet you £100 he is autistic with a demand avoidance profile. Read about it.
I’ve got similar an older brother I tried to keep the peace. Spent years “helping” plus all the guilt trips from parents and how to “help”

However now it’s just Xmas I will tolerate. Some people you can’t help. Or facilitate/ organise things so everything can function without you do all the work / all the every day things.

You have your own life, don’t be guilt tripped via your parents.

In life it’s give and take and equally happiness and when always it’s someone eg you doing the work it’s just not enjoyable. He is not your child to baby if you don’t want to.

Don't sweat it out. I did it for 20 years as a sister. It doesn’t get better so I’d not feel guilty by the way he lives he won’t change.

Also it’s about acceptance too as almost he can’t function - so just organise other people (and get your brother to pay) so you are not doing all the work

Me and my brother had an argument at Easter. My mum always buys me an Easter egg (her idea I tell her to just get Dd one). Anyway she said I’m not getting you one this year. I said fine. Row with my brother. She said if you make up I’ll get you an Easter egg. I was like what am I 6?! 😂

Is that not what you said in your OP?