Do your parents guilt you into getting on with your siblings?

[Thickasabrick89]

I have a 34yo brother who lives at home and because my mum feeds, clothes, washes his clothes, packs his suitcase, sorts out insurance, manages his rented property etc he has no responsibilities really.

My stance is fine whatever, your life is how you want it to be but what irritates me is that I'm forced to make an effort with him when it is never reciprocated.

For example my dad always says 'you need to spend more time with your brother' so in the past I've invited him camping, activities, etc. He has cancelled last minute at times. One time we were going to the cinema (we never have dates) and my parents agreed to look after our daughter for the 2 hours if I took my brother along. We did and he walked out half way through as he didn't like the film (which I knew he wouldn't like anyway).

I do have a child now so it's trickier but in May 2025 I planned an art class activity (he loves art, I'm pretty terrible but went along with it as he enjoys it) and I said afterwards 'please plan the next activity and I can book it in the diary and we can do something else like this'. August 2026 and still nothing even after reminders of our discussion🤣.

It was a last ditch attempt really to get him involved because if this had been a friend who never reciprocated, the friendship would have fizzled out long ago.

The other thing is my brother is very sexist (thinks women should be solely responsible for the house and childcare- at the weekend even questioned why we don't have hanging baskets outside and that it is my job to sort as the female of the house), entitled, rude and if it wasn't for the fact we are blood related, the relationship would have ended long ago.

My dad always says how terrible it is that I don't spend time with him. My brother also complains we don't live closer (we are 45 mins away, he has a car but doesn't drive it). We have told him numerous times to come over after work but he is always too busy. (Trickier for us as our daughter goes to bed at 6:30 so it's easier for him to come to us). Instead we visit at weekends.

When I mentioned I have tried to spend more time with my brother to my dad, mentioning the art class and previous activities of the past I've coordinated he just says that because I'm selfish I chose an activity/activities I wanted to do and just dragged him along (far from the truth) and that he is not an instigator, I need to always plan things all the time and it's my responsibility to sort going forward as it's in my nature. Also that if I never planned things with my friends, I'd never go anywhere either.

He also won't listen to me when I try to tell him how my brother speaks to me. He just says he's just sticking up for himself.

I also understand there is an expectation after my parents are gone for me to I don't know...care for him? Help him? Be his support to replace my parents? I'm far too busy living my own life for that nonsense.

Nevertheless what do other families do when there's an expectation to spend time and be cordial to a sibling they don't really like? Grin and bare it? Force yourself to enjoy their company? Act kind and interested? I hate this expectation and that my parents will ALWAYS side with him over me. His best friend is my mum so I don't even get to spend time with her alone, she always insists my brother comes along too.

Feel free to tell me I'm wrong

I did spend years like you trying effort was all one way so stopped - they never bothered.

Think it was easier as my kids were clearly not a priorty - they act more interested now they are adults rare occaions they see them. I rarely see them and after last time have no interest in doing so.

I tend to hide behind DH and distance fair bit and being vauge - yes must do that and try and and not see them without DH.

I try for a few stock phrases - hmm yes must do that, oh right hmm.

Don't know if it helps but MIL brother did step up when his parents got old - as did a mate of ours who went home after uni and likely had some kind of break down - but I think it depends what actually going on with your brother and what options you faciliate - clearer boundaries are a must here.

Dm always liked to interfere in my relationship to my late db who was 12 months younger than me. Db did have issues and was almost definitely on the spectrum and we did get on quite well but dm had very definite ideas about how I should interact even if db didn't want me to do that. I always expected that I would look out for him once dm and df died and I might have even moved him in with me in the end but very sadly he died and I am now siblingless.

You have a whole family problem

Yep.

My sister also could not find her way in life, and was also unbelievably destructive. She was constantly intriguing and machinating with everyone. Like she'd tell person X that person Y said a horrible thing about them, but they weren't to have it out with person Y because she "didn't want to get involved". Cue horrible arguments that tainted relationships forever. I was a particular target but she did it with everyone.

I actually left the continent for another continent to escape her, her long game plots, and her crazy-making behaviour.

Meanwhile my divorced parents - who themselves complained bitterly at the resounding ruin she visited on their lives whenever she entered their sphere - told me I had "a duty of care" to my sister. I was scolded for exposing some of her plots and lies, some of which seriously affected not only my personal life but also my professional life (she oozed her way into every facet of my life), because it made her "upset". I should be "more tolerant".

I loved my mother dearly, so put up with it and kept trying. I even told my mother's dead body that I would look after my sister, such was the conditioning.

But sanity prevailed and the next time my sister pulled another of her mad stunts, I drew a hard line. She could not tolerate it, so it's ended in estrangement.

My parents were bloody hypocrites who were trying to pass on their parenting baton to me while they were still alive. Parenting my sibling should never have been my role.

It's not yours either. Your parents created your entitled sexist loser brother. You are not obliged to support them on this, and in fact enabling their behaviour does your brother no good.

They need you to stick to this role, because they need a child to slavishly serve them and they know your brother is a complete loser who will never lift a finger for them. So they bully and lambast you to keep you under their thumb.

Actually, you have all the power. You don't have to put up with this. I'm sure it has absorbed and continues to absorb a lot of your time and energy and has fundamentally affected how you see yourself.

I suggest you read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson.

Your brother sound like a real spoilt man child brat/get. You owe him nothing and you need to dial down your contact with him. It is not your job to please or look after him

So please don't let your parents try and guilt trip you.

Just concentrate on yourself and your family. You come first.

👍