Did I do the right thing leaving after repeated breaches of trust?

[ThisGreatOchreNewt]

Hello

I’m pretty devastated. I left my fiancé on Friday as I could no longer deal with the emotional safety issues.

in our time together she lied about deleting her bumble account, lied about her whereabouts, lied about how much she was messaging her ex, complained that the engagement ring diamond wasn’t a big enough carat and then told my darkest secrets to her friends. This turmoil made me anxious, unsafe and overwhelmed.

We’d been on and off recently and I visited her and had a bit of a breakdown, i told her how much things affected me, how vulnerable I was feeling and was deeply upset. It felt cathartic. It felt like at last we’d made massive progress as we bounced back better than we had before.

the following day I found out that she’d shared my breakdown and how the doctor had recommended antidepressants to her friends. It was a constant leak to her friends about me. I get that friends are confidants but surely a relationship is a wall of secrecy.

I left her on Friday quite abruptly and now she has blocked me everywhere and says she never wants to see me again.

I’m so sad as I thought we’d made it through yet the safe place I thought it was, just dissolved beneath me and I felt truly shattered by it.

My deepest regret is not talking to her about it all but after the last conversation was leaked to her friends, like many others and those that I said don’t tell anyone, I felt like she didn’t have my back.

I do love her a lot. But this feeling of being unsafe was higher and the love is just too much of a cost. It’s so sad.

I feel that the blocking is unjust. It’s brutal and we no ability to separate amicably and show some warmth. Last week we made love and were happy but underneath it, I knew she was talking about my emotional fragility with her friends.

I think you have made the right decision.
You won't get (and I think most breakups don't have) that warmth and closure and a lovely calm ending. But you know that she was not good for you.

Hello, oh love I am so sorry to read your heartbreaking post!!

It does sound to me tho that she is not the one for you - look how upset you are! I have never been this upset by anything my husband has ever done! The fact that you don't feel safe with her says it all, and to have her then block you completely says some more.

Not for you.

But the shock!!!

I think once the shock has worn off and you can think it all over a bit more, you will come to see that this relationship is not good enough for you, and you shouldn't have to work this hard for a relationship leading to marriage. It should just be what you need, automatically.

So I am not sure she was the one for you, you have rightly called it out, and now she has shown yet again that she is not for you.

Time for you to stop back and focus on you. Quiet times, good friends, let the dust settle xxx

First of all I'm sorry that the person you trusted the most has let you down. A healthy and decent relationship can only exist if there is honesty and trust and you have neither. Do not go back to her even if she begs you.

Secondly, there is no such thing as a safe space. It does not exist except inside you.

Trust is one of the most important things in any relationship, and you have done the right thing in ending it. There's no point in continuing with any kind of relationship with someone who has repeatedly betrayed you like this.

She doesn't love you and you can't trust her. If you constantly have to forgive hurtful behaviour, knowingly carried out with no consideration for your feelings, that is a recipe for your future unhappiness. There should never be a second time. Be glad she's dumped you, even though its painful now. And don't take her back in a few weeks when she's again in the mood to see you suffer. She enjoys it.

Thank you for all the lovely replies. They mean a lot. My friends say very similar things.

After the lies about the ex, I should have left then as I was very upset, but I tried to forgive her. But she never really said sorry. She just said “we see things differently”. As one of my friends said “fantasy and reality”.

The one thing that is most confusing is the total block. It’s not like someone had an affair or we had abuse issues. it just didn’t work. But to totally block the person you were to marry is very odd.

You could say the same thing about abruptly leaving the person you were going to marry.

It is what it is. You still did the right thing.

I get that.

And I have apologised for that. But I was still right to leave.

has she apologised. No.

What would you actually want to happen even if she apologised for everything?

Her ignoring you now is probably the quickest way to closure for both of you.

I think if she apologised for everything. Was accountable and could see the impact of her actions. I’d consider talks to reconcile.

Don't wait for an apology or for her to unblock you.

This relationship is now over, you won't be getting married and you will be better off finding someone else in the future who doesn't abuse your trust.

Honestly, I know it's hard but she is not the person you want her to be and never will be. Do not contact her and make plans to move on as a single person.

Not gonna happen.

She lied and lied, and told her friends the secrets you asked her not to.

There's a good reason she's no longer your fianceé.

she was so different in the beginning. I noticed the change in her some time back and thought she was having an affair.

having spent many more months with her, I can tell the person at the beginning, isn’t who she ever was. The mask slipped and she became someone I didn’t recognise.

Some people are just like that. They are just hard-wired to not care about their partners boundaries, and they never take responsibility for their actions.

They can also be loving and caring outside of that, but then act in the completely opposite way at other times. They also tend to block/disappear with no ill-effects when the inevitable breakup happens.

For me, it's tantamount to abuse. They have to be conscious of what they're doing, they just can't stop it.

You're better off.

Yes this is pretty much her. Lovely on the outside but a real undercurrent of spite. Most see it when they first meet her. It’s something I was blinded by.

It sounds like you've done the right thing breaking up with her. If you can't trust her with your private thoughts and feelings, there's really no way to stay in the relationship.

Being blocked might feel brutal but I think she's doing you a favour. Better to have a clean break, you'll get over her quicker with no contact.

I think if she apologised for everything. Was accountable and could see the impact of her actions. I’d consider talks to reconcile.

I mean this nicely. I hope she doesn't apologise!!

I know for sure we’re both hurting quite badly. In our own way.

if she does apologise. I’ll listen but I need to be really careful.

If she's hurting quite badly, she could end up hurting you even more.

Hurt people hurt people, as they say.

Indeed, she's already hurt you by responding to her own hurt by blocking you.

Move on, for everyone's sake!

Well she’s completely silent. Apologised for my part in this but complete silence. We were engaged. Last week we made love.

it’s amazing how some people just switch offf. She does suffer badly with abandonment so maybe she is just down a hole.

How old are you, OP? You sound quite young. The fact you talk about possibly reconciling when she has let you down so badly suggests you are vulnerable. It’s very hard to walk away from someone you’re planning to marry, but she doesn’t sound remotely mature enough to be in a relationship, let alone get married, and you deserve a life partner whom you can trust and rely on.

Both 40s.

We are both child abuse survivors. It made our dynamic and conflict styles very tough at times.

I’ve had a lot of therapy and she hasn’t yet.

You have done the right thing. I hope that you find someone who makes you feel happy, safe and secure. This person was not right for you, you know that. Take care of yourself, break ups are hard, the sharp pains will ease, give yourself time.@

Well I’ve just been sent a photo of her on bumble. 4 days later.