Am I overreacting about my husband’s late nights and drinking?

[Rebecca83759]

I’m looking for some advice when you and your husband clash on something - this being alcohol and nights out.

I’m not a big drinker at all, a couple of glasses of wine and I’m happy. I don’t do nights out really - meal and a couple of drinks with friends is more my bag.

My husband on the other hand enjoys a night out and never wants to be the first to leave, resulting in often coming in 2-4am.

This hasn’t changed since we met in fairness and I perhaps underestimated the impact this would have long term, especially now we have a 4 year old. I probably hoped it may change with family life.

Since having our son it maybe happens 3-4 times a year but with the World Cup and a few social celebrations it’s been 3 times in 6 weeks.

I don’t sleep well until he’s in, he’s often then hungover the next day etc. He doesn’t see an issue with it and says I’m overreacting when I raise it as an issue.

It feels like a constant battle in our household around this topic. The rest of our marriage is good so it feels hard being constantly stuck on this point but it is a big deal to me. He doesn’t understand why I have an issue and says it’s just because I don’t like doing it - maybe he’s right. I don’t know. But ultimately his behaviour hasn’t changed because he doesn’t see a problem.

I suppose I’m looking for some thoughts as to whether it feels excessive or whether I am being too critical. And also how you overcome having such differing thoughts on a matter?

I think if it continues to increase in number of occasions, there might be a problem, but if it goes back to being once a quarter, you're being unreasonable.

You need to figure out a way of self-soothing when he goes out, so you can sleep and not brood over it.

Are you worried he'll cheat or is cheating when he's out like this?

It could be the same, if he worked away, should he change his job because she can't sleep .

And again, please tell us about these effects. What are they?

It’s not a salient point. The OP has clearly said that it’s because of special occasions in the last few weeks. If that continues, well yes sure it may be a salient point, but there is no indication from the OP that that is the case.

You come across as controlling, thid man goes out on average 3 -4 times a year and you resent him for it and make it hard for him? And the World Cup, a once every four year event you’ve made that difficult too.

you need to apologise, there is no way I’d stay married to my husband I’d on the handful of times I went out a year he behaved like this.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I understand some posters on here get a little over come at the thought of someone socialising and drinking. But good grief, calling someone someone an alkie as they go out 3-4 times a year and every four years for the World Cup has to be a mumsnet record level of hysteria.

He’s hungover the next day.

He denies any issue re his drinking.

Tells the op she’s overreacting (sounds familiar )and that she says such things because she does not like it.

He does not want to be the first one to leave when drinking with his mates .

I guess he’s still a reasonably young man and lets his hair down a few times a year. I did at that age with kids and I’d have been raging if my husband (who is a homebody and teetotal) tried to control my very few nights out a year! I get his drinking brings on hangovers (and that is annoying) but if he’s normally a great dad and husband then you need to let go a bit.

Maybe he stays to the end because he's not allowed out very often, Do you ever go out with him, say to a band or comedy club, ie, not just pub type stuff.

Yes. 3-4 times a year. You’ve already said you think he has a problem and are desperate to point out why. None of what the OP says indicates that objectively he has a problem, and equally nothing you’ve said indicates a problem. The OP may not like him going out 3-4times a year, but that’s a completely different issue.

I never want to be first when to leave when I go out with mates and I’m t total. I don’t see how this is relevant to having a problem.

Lolz I rarely get out these days myself cus little kids etc -
so when I do I do go all out! End up last one standing - I love a good party and sometimes it’s 7am getting in the door or I’m out at an after party til middle of the next day

my husband does similar -

you don’t change what you enjoy just cus you have kids - it’s just becomes less regular and there’s nothing wrong with it

You are flogging a dead horse on MN OP if your H's benders are causing a problem for you.
Many MN posters apparently have no problem witb their partners going out and getting legless and coming home in the early hours. Apparently they see not knowing when to stop drinking as normal.

Unfortunately alcohol consumption is such a personal thing.You being unhappy with his alcohol consumption is not going to change him. He has to be the one to realise drinking to the that extent, even if it is relatively infrequently, is not a healthy attitude to alcohol. You getting upset about it won't change him. So unfortunately you need to either put up with it or make decisions about your marriage.

Yep, 3 - 4 times a year I am absolutely fine with my husband getting drunk with his friends, I don’t control him, he doesn’t control me.

Fair enough. You are ok with your H's drinking.
Just because op isn't doesn't make her "controlling".
A lot of people have very strong and emotional reactions to alcohol and seeing other people, especially people they are close to, ott drunk. For many very valid reasons. Just because OP isn't laid back, as you are, about her H getting legless and staying out late , doesn't mean her feelings aren't valid.

The OP hasn’t said anything at all about the amount her husband drinks or that she sees it as a concern. Her issue is the “frequency” he goes out. She says nothing about him not knowing when to stop, just that he doesn’t want to be the first to leave. She also says that he’s sometimes hungover but not every time which would suggest it’s not about the level of alcohol or that he goes on “benders”.

she has an issue with him going out 3-4 times a year not about the level of his alcohol consumption. That’s it, that’s the extent of her complaint (unless there’s a huge drip feed) because she doesn’t do that herself and because she can’t sleep till he’s back.

There are so many people on MN who are determined to see an issue with alcohol consumption and actually state that they need to “make decisions about the marriage” when the OP isn’t about that at all.

But then if she has a problem with how he is then maybe she’s with the wrong man

he shouldn’t have to change because she can’t sleep 3 times a year because he’s not home early

this is the ops problem - he’s always been like this, why would it be assumed he’d change one day.

I’d be reconsidering my relationship of my husband said I couldn’t go out as late as I want - I’m an adult and can do whatever I please and don’t answer to anybody else 🤷‍♀️

I thought she was gonna say weekly

but 3 times a year wtf 😬

Well yes. That's exactly what I said in my first post :She either accepts what he is like or she rethinks the relationship. She can't change him if he doesn't want to change

3-4 times a year is absolutely fine. An increase due to watching the World Cup is fine too, as it’s only every 4 years.

Give the guy a break! I’d hate my H to be so controlling.

If it increases to 1-2 times a week, then there’s an issue.

Not only are you being completely unreasonable but I bet it puts a proper dampener on the 3/4 times a year he does do out which is so incredibly unfair. If he’s a bad/violent/abusive drunk then it’s a different story but you’ve not mentioned it. If anything you sound really controlling

I’d say even at 6 x a year that would be fine or even if it’s 1 every 6 weeks. It’s a night out and you have 1 child. Surely he is ok to have a night out and do as he wants as long as it doesn’t inject family life all the time. I have 3 kids my husband has had 3 nights out this week as that’s how it’s fallen. No idea when he came in and I don’t track. Ok he was a bit jaded the next day but still fine. Also probably won’t happen again for another few months. I wouldn’t like to tell him he can’t go. I’d hate to be told I can’t go and do something I’d like to do.

Yes and Attila the Meerkat is probably right. MN doesn’t understand Alcoholism or the current medical thinking around it. But he is controlled by it and this will probably get worse as he ages or will have more physical and psychological consequences.

3-4 times a year … so once every 3 months?!? YABU.

In our house, if Dh has a night out where he is going to be home later than my bedtime, he stays with a friend or they stay somewhere all together. Sleep is precious to me, particularly as I have multiple chronic illnesses and a lot of fatigue. His going out with friends never impacts on my sleep.

Either they meet for lunch or early evening and he’s home, usually in time to help with bedtime. Or he will go stay with friends for the night or they’ll get an Airbnb or go camping for the night. Nearly all his friends also have young children at home, no one wants to be stumbling in at 2am waking everyone up. So they make a night of it.

It’s maybe 5 nights a year so not hard to organise and when he’s local, he’s home by 8/9am to take over with the kids so I can have a break. I don’t have ‘nights out’ (I don’t drink and you couldn’t pay me to voluntarily stay up past 11pm 😂), but I also go away a similar amount of nights each year so I don’t wake him up. It works really well and everyone gets sleep.

My ex was like this. Its wasnt the going out, that was fine. It was the state he would get himself in, who he was going to bring back (mates and continue drinking/making noise), whether he would go round a mates house and not come home at all. Whether he would lose his phone and be able to get home. Be that drunk he would get robbed/beaten up. Ring me early hours asking for a lift as theres no taxis. I honestly hated it. Divorced him over his alcohol problem eventually. Living without anxiety now- its bliss. Not my problem anymore!