Am I overreacting about my husband’s late nights and drinking?

[Rebecca83759]

I’m looking for some advice when you and your husband clash on something - this being alcohol and nights out.

I’m not a big drinker at all, a couple of glasses of wine and I’m happy. I don’t do nights out really - meal and a couple of drinks with friends is more my bag.

My husband on the other hand enjoys a night out and never wants to be the first to leave, resulting in often coming in 2-4am.

This hasn’t changed since we met in fairness and I perhaps underestimated the impact this would have long term, especially now we have a 4 year old. I probably hoped it may change with family life.

Since having our son it maybe happens 3-4 times a year but with the World Cup and a few social celebrations it’s been 3 times in 6 weeks.

I don’t sleep well until he’s in, he’s often then hungover the next day etc. He doesn’t see an issue with it and says I’m overreacting when I raise it as an issue.

It feels like a constant battle in our household around this topic. The rest of our marriage is good so it feels hard being constantly stuck on this point but it is a big deal to me. He doesn’t understand why I have an issue and says it’s just because I don’t like doing it - maybe he’s right. I don’t know. But ultimately his behaviour hasn’t changed because he doesn’t see a problem.

I suppose I’m looking for some thoughts as to whether it feels excessive or whether I am being too critical. And also how you overcome having such differing thoughts on a matter?

3/4 times a year- yabu
3 times last six weeks also yabu to be tracking and it impacting you so much.
And I speak as a teetotal insomniac- you not settling when he’s out is the problem.

I think if he was doing this more than once a week over the course of a year it would be a problem, or if you suspected other women or drugs were involved.

Once a week or less, or a few times more if there’s a big thing like the World Cup, I don’t see the problem.

We are actually similar - I barely drink but I don’t think it gives me the right to dictate what he does. It does give me leverage to go and see my friends or do other stuff without him, and he used to eg bath the baby the next night if he’d left me doing bedtime the night before.

Figure out your quid pro quo, you can’t control what he does when it is this low-level.

3-4 times a year is not frequent.

How you choose to spend your free time and what you do for enjoyment is your choice. Go to bed, stop waiting up and also make plans for the following day with your child so you can have a nice time. An occasional hangover is not a crime and make it clear it isn’t your business.

When his decisions overly impact you then I can see there is an issue, but it doesn’t. You also knew this is how he likes to spend time from the start.

What is the longest period of time to your direct knowledge has he gone without alcohol?.

To my mind he has a drink problem in that it’s controlling him rather than the other way around. He cannot just have one or two drinks and he’s always the last to leave. Does he drive post these drinking binges?. The fact too he says he does not have a problem with it and tells you that you overreact are also warning red flags.

I would also be concerned about the effects this is having on your child too because he is seeing you as his mother preoccupied by another persons drinking. It’s not the amount so much but it’s the effects his drinking is having on you and in turn your child,

Alcoholsm is not a problem you can flx. He has to want to do that and currently at least he sees no issue. He may never see an issue with his drinking. Btw did his parents drink like this too ?,

I thought you were going to say he was doing it every week / every other week.

Doing it once every 3 to 4 months might be annoying, but it's not a big deal on it's own.

She says he generally does this three to four times a year. You think that means he has a drink problem?

You not sleeping well is on you not him. Can he sleep on the sofa or somewhere when he comes in?

If it’s effecting his ability to parent that is a problem. For 4 times a day you need to have a trade off - DH you’re out late on Saturday night so I can solo parent until 12 lunchtime on Sunday morning but in return you will solo parent until for 6 hours on the Saturday.

No it’s the effects his drinking is having on her and in turn her child.

OP, what exactly is it that you object to? Or do you just object on principle? As, on the face of it, he has the occasional big night out, more around big social events like the World Cup. That doesn’t seem like a big deal.

She’s also known him to drink like this for some time now . Am not suggesting he has a drink problem but if he keeps going as he is he is well on the way to being dependent on it.

It’s the effects his drinking is having on them that is the problem.

‘Drink like this’ and ‘going that way’…the man goes out three or four times a year.

And what effects are those? OP’s reactions aren’t his responsibility, what are the other ‘effects’?

Also, you literally said he had a drink problem and accused him of alcoholism. You didn’t ’suggest’. On what basis?

3-4 times a year? YABU.

I do it at a similar frequency, concentrated around Christmas. I have been known to be a bit useless the next day.

I sleep in the spare room, I am an adequate if not enthusiastic parent the next day.

The other 361 days per year I’m on the ball and happy to cover my partner having a little blowout with their friends.

A man who goes out drinking once a quarter is an alcoholic? Boy, you'd pass out if you knew what I drink. Only on MN!

To be fair what the issue is it because you don’t go out or can’t?. If he is happy to watch the kids while you go out don’t see an issue . The fact you can’t sleep until his is home is a you issue really .

If he’s out 3/4 times a year, why is it a “constant battle” in your house?

It really depends how the rest of the relationship is. Does he pull his weight or think childcare is your job? In the context of an equal relationship where he is otherwise doing his bit then it sounds fine for him to have the odd late night followed by a lazy day.

Sounds like it's your attitude to it that's causing the battle..I would not have an issue with this at all. I would encourage to enjoy a night out with mates

I go out far more often than your DH, let the bloke have his social life.

Christ it’s not very often is it! I thought you were going to say every weekend.

Just leave him to it the next day and go out with your DC.

I’m the same as you. My husband probablu goes out once every six months and I don’t like it. I can’t sleep and worry about him getting too drunk to get home. But it’s MY issue, he always gets home and not his fault I can’t sleep. I’ve had to learn to let it go and let him have fun without mentioning my anxiety.

If he's old enough to be married, he's old enough to get himself home after a night out. He's a grown man!

You're being unreasonable. It's not like it's happening often. If you can't sleep until he's home, that's your problem, not something he's causing.

Drinking 4 x a year is not a drink problem. OP not being able to sleep does not mean he has to become a prisoner. That's for her to sort out not him

The frequency of his droning has increased, most of you have missed that salient point.

And again it is the effects his drinking has on other people like the Op that is the problem.