Should spending on children and gifts count towards the household budget?

[10Littleducks]

Just that. Do you include spending money for dcs, stuff they need for their hobbies, birthday and Christmas presents ect in the household budget?
Dp thinks these things shouldn't be included in my contribution to the household, and only the bills I pay should be included, and that it doesnt count that I pay for all these things, basically he thinks im not pulling my weight financially. He earns more than me. I very rarely buy nice things for myself.
The bills I pay for plus these extra bits that I pay for make our contributions around equal (although obviously these things can fluctuate month by month, i have worked it out roughly on a yearly basis before though).
We have separate finances (I know this isnt popular on mn but dp is irresponsible with money so i feel it gives me a bit of protection to keep it separate), kids are teens with fairly expensive hobbies so over the course of the year it certainly adds up what I spend on them.

This sounds like financial abuse to me.

Yes, definitely part of the household budget.

I'm kinda realising this is somewhere things can be unbalanced.

Eg the husband pays for the cars/ house...so assets.

And the wife pays for food / clothes etc...and has nothing to show for it, the food is eaten and clothes worn out.

Appalling. We have separate finances but agreed that a sum would go into joint account to cover all child and related spending.

And the fixed bills are the easiest to pay as the are reliable more or less the same each month. The person who pays for food, presents, clothes and so is always shafted.

If they don't 'count' then presumably he's happy to start covering these things himself then yes?

Joint things come out of joint household budget. The children are joint children, so why is he expecting you to pay for everything for them?

Please sign all gifts from you alone and don't get this asshole anything for his birthday. I bet you had to pay their nursery fees.

What?

He thinks the kids are your financial responsibility alone?

How does he justify that?

Do they have his surname? I'd say if he doesn't think they're anything to do with him, I'd be changing them to mine.

Invoice him.

Someone on another post put “he thinks they’re your kids” as in he doesn’t seem them as his responsibility. This could just be financial but also responsibility, mental load and everything else

We have had a joint account for all our income and expenses since we got married.

I use MS Money to record all our current account and credit card transactions, downloaded from our bank. It produces a “monthly report” - a profit and loss account on a cash basis, showing by how much income has exceeded expenses or vice versa at the end of the month. Being in the red every month spells trouble!

There is also the option to have a budget. DC are grown up now, but I used to have separate account headings for each DC’s pocket money, clothing, education and gifts. In fact, there were amounts in the monthly budget for gifts to every member of the extended family and “others”, like thank you gifts to teachers, professionals, etc. At least then, Christmas and the twins’ birthdays did not come as a big financial shock!

I cannot see how any business or family could disregard a section of their committed expenses? It’s not like buying school uniform is an optional extra?

Either you and DH pay all your expenses out of a shared bank account for all your income, or you should work out all your bills, including expenses for the children and put in amounts pro rata for your earnings? So, if you earn £20,000 and he earns £60,000 pa, then he pays 3/4 of all the expenses and you pay a 1/4.

OP, You are being financially abused imo?

Could you ask him to pay for these other expenses every time they come up?
Either he does with good grace and then you can put more towards bills etc or he doesn’t and you can then push to ask if these should be household expenses and if not who is responsible to pay etc

What the fuck. This man is an absolute turd.

Why is he not paying his share of all the child related expenses? Why are theses bills your responsibility? This is madness.

Of course they should. You could maybe disagree about whether incidental things are joint or individual costs (food and drinks for you at a soft play, extra items on the food shop, non-basic toiletries or clothes). But anything kid related is a joint expense, unless you want to do something optional that’s outside the agreed budget. School uniform is certainly a joint expense!

Well either they're included as part of your contribution to the household or he needs to be sending you money to cover his half of those expenses.

Does he just think he's not required to contribute to his own kids?

Yes, of course, assuming they are his children. Days out, holidays with dc, hobbies and sports, clothes, family meals out, any spending money they need come from our joint account. I didn’t virgin birth these children myself. 🙄 They are our joint children and our joint financial responsibility.

That doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes spend my own money on them. Sometimes I really fancy going for sushi and I take a child with me. Then I’m sometimes inclined to pay for it myself because it’s more for me than them. But for more ordinary things. It all comes out of our joint account, which Dh pays into more than me as the higher earner. He also treats them to things from his own personal spending money.

Obviously, if they are your children and not your joint children, I’d expect you to pay for them on your own, but that would be factored into the proportion you contribute to overall household spending. As in, you’d pay in less as the lower earner with children you are supporting solo.

“JustGiveMeReason · Yesterday 21:59
I don't know how this is even a question.
If you have had dc together, then providing for them is clearly part of the family budget. It is bizarre to think otherwise.”

This with bells on. He sounds like an arsehole.

💯

Does he acknowledge the concept of government-backed child support payments to flow between separated parents? What does he think these payments are supposed to cover? Why would both parents (fathers in particular) be paying these things, what does this suggest about who is considered responsible for them? Etc.

They aren't free though, are they? Ask him to swap you these things for a 'bill', after all, if you're taking a bill off him and they don't count then he should be better off 🤷‍♀️

Obviously yes.

Absolutely everything house, family and holiday related is household. I would also add gifts to family and friends and car servicing and repairs unless there's an expensive status type car. Out of budget are personal hobbies, make-up/ hair/ salons and clothes. If either of us sees something "for the house" that isn't necessary but we like then whoever wants it buys it (eg some solar lights for the garden or a painting etc.).

We transfer monthly into the household account proportionate to income. When extra/ unexpected expenses come up we'll top it up in roughly the same way.

As a pp said, if school uniform isn't a household budget expense, he'll be fine paying for it all himself.

If the DC are his too then yes, your spending on them is part of the household budget. What happens about childcare?

My DH and I had separate finances and I regularly paid all the DCs expenses:
-uniform/home clothes; pencil case fillers and anything else under the sun
-activities (ballet, music, swimming); often with 'extras for galas, concerts, shows
but DH paid for all the food shops and/or the part-time child care whilst I worked p/t. And he liked saying that I was p-t French teacher and that the DDs were doing ballet.

Absolutely everything child related for us comes out of family spends and not personal spends.

Did he not know that children need clothes and food and things?